VERY SAD DAYS
I HAVEN'T BEEN ON THE COMPUTER FOR A WHILE. JUST WASN'T IN THE MOOD. I JUST HATE THE ANTICIPATION OF DAYS THAT WILL TRIGGER ME. MY DR. SAYS THAT SOMETIMES THE ANTICIPATION IS WORSE THAN THE ACTUAL DAY. LAST WEEK I WAS NERVOUS BECAUSE YESTERDAY WAS MY BIRTHDAY. THE FIRST WITHOUT GETTING UP IN THE MORNING TO A BEAUTIFUL HAND WRITTEN CARD AND FLOWERS, BUT MOST OF ALL THE BIG HUG AND KISS MY JACKIE WOULD GIVE ME. THE ANTICIPATION OF THAT HAD ME CRAZY. IT WAS ALL I COULD THINK OF. WELL, NEEDLESS TO SAY, I HAD A TERRIBLE DAY. I WENT TO THE CEMETARY ON MON INSTEAD OF YESTERDAY. I JUST WANTED TO STAY HOME AND CRY. SO THAT'S WHAT I DID. MY SON WANTED ME TO COME OVER BUT I JUST COULDN'T AND I DIDN'T WANT TO FORCE MYSELF TO HAVE TO PRETEND THAT MY HEART WASN'T SO HEAVY.
HE UNDERSTOOD. HE GETS IT. HE SAID HIS SISTER'S DEATH CHANGED ALL OUR LIVES BUT "ME" THE MOST AND THAT WHEN MY SISTER IN LAW DIED AND SOMEONE ASKED MY BROTHER IN LAW WHAT THEY COULD DO FOR HIM, HE ANSWERED " CAN YOU BRING BACK KAREN". PAUL HEARD HIM SAY THAT AND HE HAS CHILDREN. HE KNOWS HOW I AM GRIVING. I WAS SO AFRAID THAT HE MIGHT FEEL THAT HE WASN'T AS IMPORTANT TO ME. BUT HE GETS IT. THANK GOD. HE IS SO WONDERFUL TO ME. NOW, NEXT MONTH ON MAY 10TH, JACKIE WILL BE GONE ONE YEAR. I CAN'T BELIEVE IT. I FEEL LIKE IT JUST HAPPENED. THEN MAY 14TH IS MOTHER'S DAY. THIS IS ALL I THINK ABOUT. I FEEL LIKE I'M OBSESSING. THE KLONIPIN SEEMS TO BE WORKING OK FOR ME. I'M STILL CRYING, IT DOESN'T STOP THAT. BUT I'M VERY DOWN LATELY. I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MYSELF. I HAVE TOO MUCH GOING ON RIGHT NOW WITH THE SEPARATION FROM MY HUSBAND, WHO THINKS I SHOULD HAVE STAYED TO GRIEVE WITH HIM. I TOOK CARE OF HIM FOR 33 YEARS AND NOW I NEED TO TAKE CARE OF MYSELF. IT'S A WHOLE OTHER STORY. I'M JUST SO HEARTBROKEN AND WHEN I HAVE THESE KIND OF DAYS, I DON'T THINK I WILL EVER BE ABLE TO COPE WITH JACKIE'S DEATH.
HE UNDERSTOOD. HE GETS IT. HE SAID HIS SISTER'S DEATH CHANGED ALL OUR LIVES BUT "ME" THE MOST AND THAT WHEN MY SISTER IN LAW DIED AND SOMEONE ASKED MY BROTHER IN LAW WHAT THEY COULD DO FOR HIM, HE ANSWERED " CAN YOU BRING BACK KAREN". PAUL HEARD HIM SAY THAT AND HE HAS CHILDREN. HE KNOWS HOW I AM GRIVING. I WAS SO AFRAID THAT HE MIGHT FEEL THAT HE WASN'T AS IMPORTANT TO ME. BUT HE GETS IT. THANK GOD. HE IS SO WONDERFUL TO ME. NOW, NEXT MONTH ON MAY 10TH, JACKIE WILL BE GONE ONE YEAR. I CAN'T BELIEVE IT. I FEEL LIKE IT JUST HAPPENED. THEN MAY 14TH IS MOTHER'S DAY. THIS IS ALL I THINK ABOUT. I FEEL LIKE I'M OBSESSING. THE KLONIPIN SEEMS TO BE WORKING OK FOR ME. I'M STILL CRYING, IT DOESN'T STOP THAT. BUT I'M VERY DOWN LATELY. I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MYSELF. I HAVE TOO MUCH GOING ON RIGHT NOW WITH THE SEPARATION FROM MY HUSBAND, WHO THINKS I SHOULD HAVE STAYED TO GRIEVE WITH HIM. I TOOK CARE OF HIM FOR 33 YEARS AND NOW I NEED TO TAKE CARE OF MYSELF. IT'S A WHOLE OTHER STORY. I'M JUST SO HEARTBROKEN AND WHEN I HAVE THESE KIND OF DAYS, I DON'T THINK I WILL EVER BE ABLE TO COPE WITH JACKIE'S DEATH.
Replies
I know how you feel (I\'m one of very few who can say that). There are days when the horror gets me again (like yesterday) and then days (like today) when I know my mind is \"protecting\" me because I feel numb. That\'s okay. You have a lot to deal with, your husband being a major factor. You\'ve been doing this, so far, without therapeutic support. Hopefully, WITH a good therapist you will resolve the worst issues surrounding this event: PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY AND GUILT which has NO place here. Both our daughters were adults who made a choice based upon serious mental/emotional instability: WE ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE NOR COULD WE HAVE STOPPED IT. You need to really KNOW and FEEL that and it takes a lot of time. I started therapy 2x a week nine days after my daughter went to God. You have just begun. Give yourself a chance, feel some hope that THIS horror won\'t last forever. I was told that a year ago by women ahead of me on this path and they were right: it\'s different, it\'s still bad, but the horror has abated somewhat. And others I know who are three years along say it will continue to change, to be \"gentler\". If I didn\'t have the realization that it had, already, and will continue, I couldn\'t survive another day. You need to connect with other moms here whose children have chosen to end their lives and see that it IS possible to survive. Just hang on, no one is alone (even in an empty room).
jill
You know, I was in your position 2 1/2 years ago....I too felt exactly the same way...The first year really is the hardest....You are lucky that you have an understanding son. My daughter is hurting too but she doesn\'t let anyone help her. She is holding it all in which is not good. I think in my second year I felt the heaviness and pain in my heart lessen. I also went to psychics whick helped me greatly. I never thought that it was possible that I would smile when I think of Melissa instead of cry...but it did happen when I least expected it. I am sure that you will reach that point too. It does take time though...we all must travel this journey at our own rate...don\'t let anyone tell you how you should feel!! Love and tight hugs, Connie C.
Gail I wish I could give you a real hug. I know that pain in your heart of missing Jackie, it hurts so bad. This is a long hard journey we are on.
You also have the separation from your husband to deal with. Don\'t accept any guilt from him, you need to do what is right for you to move forward.
I\'m holding you tight in my mind and I pray you have some moments of peace. Terry
My son died by suicide...by depression...by mental illness...by temporary insanity...it is a complicated grief to think that your child \"chose\" to die...to leave you....but it was not a rational choice....it was not your fault and you could not have changed what was to be.....it never makes it better but as time goes along you will be able to see it for what it is....the result of an illness. I pray you have peace with each passing day. It is difficult but is possible. I am glad you have chosen to be in therapy....Hang on...this life is so unpredictable....I can only manage it with God....hugs, dale..brandon\'s mom
All these \"days\" lumped together is harsh. I am fortunate that mine are spread apart. It also helps to have all my first\'s and most of my second\'s gone. I know that at this point you can\'t imagine feeling this way forever or worse NOT feeling this way forever. Both are inconceivable. It will get better. Some of the mothers above have the experience of suicide in the family, I can\'t speak about that so I will let these beautiful people speak on that subject.
With love,
Leda
The first year is awful - anniversaries are terrible but your doctor is right in a way, the anticipation is worse. For me, I found the second year not so good - the numbness wore off and the reality set in. Some-one said to me that there were so many \" firsts \" to go through - just as Leda said - and she was right. We do all go through them - and then they are not \" firsts \" any more. You are dealing with a lot right now so take good care of yourself first. And by the way, your son sounds wonderful and that\'s a great tribute to you! love Joanna x