Thoughts and Prayers
I lost my son and I'm sad, but I am not wondering who took him or why. If there is a force of goodness in the universe and we call it God, I believe that this God would be with us whenever we act in love. There is nothing that can prevent sickness or accidents or even death... I don't think prayer can affect outcome... but I know that love can heal the heart.
Tonight I read a Caringbridge website of a little girl name Kate McRae with a brain tumor... things are looking grim... and the family is calling for prayer that she will be healed. It breaks my heart because she's going to die and everyone is going to feel sad like their prayers were not answered or they didn't pray hard enough. Kate is wondering why Jesus doesn't save her. What kind of religion is this that makes little girls feel like their prayers are not answered? That she is not worthy? In reality, the millions of prayers for Kate were all messages of love... because that's all they can be. And they ARE successful... not at healing cancer but at supporting Kate and her family with love.
I was a fierce mama tiger about Andy... from the day he was born. I didn't want him to get jabbed and stabbed and spinal tapped unless I was there to protect him. When he had cancer, I didn't want anyone to make him feel like survival was a question of attitude... that people who WANT to live and know how to pray are the ones who do... this is just another myth that breaks people's hearts every day. If the lucky people who did beat cancer could simply give thanks without taking credit for having some kind of superior spirit, it would really help those who succumb (despite passionate desire for life) to not feel like failures.
I'm thinking about these things in a different way and hope I won't offend anyone. I don't mind if we look at things very differently... in fact I honor that. I have an abstract understanding of love and energy and I keep trying to find words for it... ways to say that I care about spirit but that there are certain kinds of prayer that look like an exercise in guaranteed sorrow to me. If I'm going to pray it's not going to be for stuff, or outcome, or change. All I can pray for is my own ability to let go and let love guide me. All the love I feel for Andy is a daily prayer, a beautiful prayer of thanksgiving for the time I had with him, for the goodness that was in him, for the peace in his heart at the end.
It's been so good to be in correspondence with other FMOers the last few days... writing about how we seek truth, enlightenment. Lots of good poems, lots of quotes, lots of ideas. I will share some quotes about prayer, below... again just my POV...
Peace, Sarah
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"Prayer invites God to be present in our spirits and in our lives. Prayer cannot bring water to parched land, nor mend a broken bridge, or rebuild a ruined city, but prayer can water an arid soul, mend a broken heart, and rebuild a weakened will."
-- Rabbi Abraham Heschel
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"Prayer doesn't change things -- prayer changes people, and people change things."
-- Rev. Lon Ray Call
Tonight I read a Caringbridge website of a little girl name Kate McRae with a brain tumor... things are looking grim... and the family is calling for prayer that she will be healed. It breaks my heart because she's going to die and everyone is going to feel sad like their prayers were not answered or they didn't pray hard enough. Kate is wondering why Jesus doesn't save her. What kind of religion is this that makes little girls feel like their prayers are not answered? That she is not worthy? In reality, the millions of prayers for Kate were all messages of love... because that's all they can be. And they ARE successful... not at healing cancer but at supporting Kate and her family with love.
I was a fierce mama tiger about Andy... from the day he was born. I didn't want him to get jabbed and stabbed and spinal tapped unless I was there to protect him. When he had cancer, I didn't want anyone to make him feel like survival was a question of attitude... that people who WANT to live and know how to pray are the ones who do... this is just another myth that breaks people's hearts every day. If the lucky people who did beat cancer could simply give thanks without taking credit for having some kind of superior spirit, it would really help those who succumb (despite passionate desire for life) to not feel like failures.
I'm thinking about these things in a different way and hope I won't offend anyone. I don't mind if we look at things very differently... in fact I honor that. I have an abstract understanding of love and energy and I keep trying to find words for it... ways to say that I care about spirit but that there are certain kinds of prayer that look like an exercise in guaranteed sorrow to me. If I'm going to pray it's not going to be for stuff, or outcome, or change. All I can pray for is my own ability to let go and let love guide me. All the love I feel for Andy is a daily prayer, a beautiful prayer of thanksgiving for the time I had with him, for the goodness that was in him, for the peace in his heart at the end.
It's been so good to be in correspondence with other FMOers the last few days... writing about how we seek truth, enlightenment. Lots of good poems, lots of quotes, lots of ideas. I will share some quotes about prayer, below... again just my POV...
Peace, Sarah
===============================
"Prayer invites God to be present in our spirits and in our lives. Prayer cannot bring water to parched land, nor mend a broken bridge, or rebuild a ruined city, but prayer can water an arid soul, mend a broken heart, and rebuild a weakened will."
-- Rabbi Abraham Heschel
================================
"Prayer doesn't change things -- prayer changes people, and people change things."
-- Rev. Lon Ray Call
Replies
I absolutely love everything you wrote. It says it all perfectly. I remember after David had died, listening to a speaker / survivor at \" Light the Night \" -the fundraiser for the Leukemia Society - say that she made it because of God and prayer......and all I could think was, so I didn\'t pray enough then? He wasn\'t worth it to this God? I don\'t pretend to understand the universe and the forces within it, but like you I believe God, as however or who-ever we perceive, is a vehicle for love and compassion and goodness - and if there is a creator, he weeps just as we do for our loss.
Joanna, My minister said at Jim\'s memorial service, \"God did NOT do this, God was the first to cry.\"
I\'m not really sure what to say here. I also don\'t want to offend anyone. I enjoy reading what you write, Sarah. I, too, think everybody has the right to their own opinion and views. But Jesus has definitely answered specific prayers for me. Some have been significant requests and some have been less so. One example..\"Please lead me to the wreckage\" and amid a sea of vehicles, in about one minute I was in front of the wreck in the salvage yard. On another occasion \"Oh Lord, I so want to hold my baby Lisa again.\" That night, a young lady I barely knew was sitting next to me. Out of the blue she turned to me and asked me \"Would you like to hold my baby?\" (I had said nothing about my feelings to her in that regard prior to that.) I felt the solid evidence of answered prayer in my arms!
I\'m not any more \"special\" than the next person. These are just a couple examples. I read once about it being a good idea to write down one\'s prayer requests for one year and then review that to see what happened. I did that once and was amazed at how many times God had provided the solutions and I\'d just forgotten.
Why did God not stop the wreck from happening? Why were we at the exact intersection when that huge truck barreled on top of us practically? One second one way or the other.why? why? I don\'t know. Only God knows for now. But one day He will tell me in person, I believe. God didn\'t kill my familythe other driver did. God swept my family up in His loving arms and whisked them off to Heaven. And held me up with His arms wrapped tightly around me. I felt an intense closeness with Him. I could never deny that. Jesus saved my family. He saved their souls, the only part that matters. And He saved me also from despair. This is what I believe. And why I believe He has the power to change events, or really anything except interfere directly with our God-given free will. God does hear and answer personal prayer, this I firmly believe with all my heart and have experienced. (((HUGS)))
I agree that LOVE is the key! Prayer that begs and pleads for God to do something that our human will wants is useless. But quietly listening for the \"still, small voice\" to teach us and to guide us and to show us the way of LOVE is effective.
We live in an imperfect world, a world where it often seems that unkindness and despair are the rule and that love and kindness and hope are rare exception. As Sandi mentioned from the book \"When Bad Things Happen to Good People\" ~ it\'s random. Bad things happen. The important thing if/when something unspeakably sad and tragic happens, like losing our children, is to look for inspiration and healing in every direction that we possibly can and to lean on our sense of a higher power to gently lift and guide us towards the light of healing.
Thanks for this thought-provoking journal entry!
xoxo Debbie
Thank you Sarah for a beautiful and touching journal. I really feel the same way. I try not to ever question my god he is a higher power that someday when I go to heaven I will see clearly all that happens and why.
You express here what I believe...thank you so much for putting this into words and sharing this belief with us. It is all about LOVE....for sure. The quotes on prayer are amazing! You are a true treasure and your journals inspire me. Thank you! Peace and Love, Anne
Thank you for this journal entry, Sarah. It is so difficult, at times, to wonder why our prayers are not answered as directly as we would wish them to be. So then I think Faith comes into play. My brother used to tell me that he had so many questions to ask God when he \"gets there\". I think we will all see clearly one day. Hugs, Belinda