Thoughts and Prayers
I lost my son and I'm sad, but I am not wondering who took him or why. If there is a force of goodness in the universe and we call it God, I believe that this God would be with us whenever we act in love. There is nothing that can prevent sickness or accidents or even death... I don't think prayer can affect outcome... but I know that love can heal the heart.
Tonight I read a Caringbridge website of a little girl name Kate McRae with a brain tumor... things are looking grim... and the family is calling for prayer that she will be healed. It breaks my heart because she's going to die and everyone is going to feel sad like their prayers were not answered or they didn't pray hard enough. Kate is wondering why Jesus doesn't save her. What kind of religion is this that makes little girls feel like their prayers are not answered? That she is not worthy? In reality, the millions of prayers for Kate were all messages of love... because that's all they can be. And they ARE successful... not at healing cancer but at supporting Kate and her family with love.
I was a fierce mama tiger about Andy... from the day he was born. I didn't want him to get jabbed and stabbed and spinal tapped unless I was there to protect him. When he had cancer, I didn't want anyone to make him feel like survival was a question of attitude... that people who WANT to live and know how to pray are the ones who do... this is just another myth that breaks people's hearts every day. If the lucky people who did beat cancer could simply give thanks without taking credit for having some kind of superior spirit, it would really help those who succumb (despite passionate desire for life) to not feel like failures.
I'm thinking about these things in a different way and hope I won't offend anyone. I don't mind if we look at things very differently... in fact I honor that. I have an abstract understanding of love and energy and I keep trying to find words for it... ways to say that I care about spirit but that there are certain kinds of prayer that look like an exercise in guaranteed sorrow to me. If I'm going to pray it's not going to be for stuff, or outcome, or change. All I can pray for is my own ability to let go and let love guide me. All the love I feel for Andy is a daily prayer, a beautiful prayer of thanksgiving for the time I had with him, for the goodness that was in him, for the peace in his heart at the end.
It's been so good to be in correspondence with other FMOers the last few days... writing about how we seek truth, enlightenment. Lots of good poems, lots of quotes, lots of ideas. I will share some quotes about prayer, below... again just my POV...
Peace, Sarah
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"Prayer invites God to be present in our spirits and in our lives. Prayer cannot bring water to parched land, nor mend a broken bridge, or rebuild a ruined city, but prayer can water an arid soul, mend a broken heart, and rebuild a weakened will."
-- Rabbi Abraham Heschel
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"Prayer doesn't change things -- prayer changes people, and people change things."
-- Rev. Lon Ray Call
Tonight I read a Caringbridge website of a little girl name Kate McRae with a brain tumor... things are looking grim... and the family is calling for prayer that she will be healed. It breaks my heart because she's going to die and everyone is going to feel sad like their prayers were not answered or they didn't pray hard enough. Kate is wondering why Jesus doesn't save her. What kind of religion is this that makes little girls feel like their prayers are not answered? That she is not worthy? In reality, the millions of prayers for Kate were all messages of love... because that's all they can be. And they ARE successful... not at healing cancer but at supporting Kate and her family with love.
I was a fierce mama tiger about Andy... from the day he was born. I didn't want him to get jabbed and stabbed and spinal tapped unless I was there to protect him. When he had cancer, I didn't want anyone to make him feel like survival was a question of attitude... that people who WANT to live and know how to pray are the ones who do... this is just another myth that breaks people's hearts every day. If the lucky people who did beat cancer could simply give thanks without taking credit for having some kind of superior spirit, it would really help those who succumb (despite passionate desire for life) to not feel like failures.
I'm thinking about these things in a different way and hope I won't offend anyone. I don't mind if we look at things very differently... in fact I honor that. I have an abstract understanding of love and energy and I keep trying to find words for it... ways to say that I care about spirit but that there are certain kinds of prayer that look like an exercise in guaranteed sorrow to me. If I'm going to pray it's not going to be for stuff, or outcome, or change. All I can pray for is my own ability to let go and let love guide me. All the love I feel for Andy is a daily prayer, a beautiful prayer of thanksgiving for the time I had with him, for the goodness that was in him, for the peace in his heart at the end.
It's been so good to be in correspondence with other FMOers the last few days... writing about how we seek truth, enlightenment. Lots of good poems, lots of quotes, lots of ideas. I will share some quotes about prayer, below... again just my POV...
Peace, Sarah
===============================
"Prayer invites God to be present in our spirits and in our lives. Prayer cannot bring water to parched land, nor mend a broken bridge, or rebuild a ruined city, but prayer can water an arid soul, mend a broken heart, and rebuild a weakened will."
-- Rabbi Abraham Heschel
================================
"Prayer doesn't change things -- prayer changes people, and people change things."
-- Rev. Lon Ray Call
Replies
Thank you Sarah, in reading this I feel I have gained some clarity, I feel like I can breath. Im exhausted from trying to understand...I thank you for giving me peace and something to hold on to. Im not offended in the least. No matter what religion we are, God is love. This has helped me to think differently and that is a good thing. After work tomorrow, I will have my daughter read this too, she is struggling. As I lay here, I will ponder more on this before I go to sleep. Peace to you too, Sarah Much love, Ess
Thank you so much for this! You have reached me in such a deep and profound way. You have shed light on my struggle with my faith that, my parish priests have been unable to do for me. I will save your journal entry and reread it often. Please know that you have made a difference in MY life today.
I have come to look forward to always reading your journals, Sarah, because they invite us to ponder in various ways. It is all about the love and I remember when my late brother died and my dad lay in a heap on the floor and asked said to my mom, \"What about all the prayers?\" And she responded, \"They were answered... just not in the way that we would have liked.\" It has stayed with me all these years and helped me navigate through my own arid desert with the death of Doug. Your comment about those who beat cancer to just give thanks... is powerful. Much love and gratitude for our willingness to share and to grow together on FMO. Joanie
Sarah, I love this journal - it is such a healing POV. I can\'t make sense out of a beautiful young man like Andy having cancer and losing his life or my sweet son who was a wonderful Daddy dying suddenly at 37! And the good news is I don\'t have to! Terrible things just happen! Yes, we can maybe have a bit of control in some cases by choosing a healthy lifestyle but lifestyle didn\'t shorten our kid\'s lives. Even at that we all know of people who smoke, drink to excess etc and live to 90. I bristle when people say just have enough faith & you\'ll be healed! Or the equally distressing - their attitude made all the difference! Baloney! My son and I are believers and while my faith sustains me it didn\'t mean my son wouldn\'t pass away too soon. He had a heart anomaly and that\'s what took him to Heaven - nothing more & nothing less. My faith in God is still strong because I can pray for God to help me through this grief and learn to love deeper and I believe love is healing. And God is love. I love the 2 quotes you posted. May God continue to change me and may I become His instrument of love and peace. Thank you, Sarah for these life changing words. Love to you and Andy, Linda
My mother says: God does not guarantee anything except that you will never be alone. Me, I have never had a regulation understanding of a god... I\'m more of a chaotic pantheist like there is spirit everywhere in everything... but I totally cheer for the GOD IS LOVE line. Love love love. We all know how to do that.
xox
I completely understand what you are saying, and have felt the same way. Don\'t worry about offending, hon. This is your journal, you write what exactly what you want. My prayer today is for your strength. Hugs, Barbara
Great journal! I love those quotes too! Love & Hugs, Kelly
Ahhh Dearest Sarah - a voice crying in the wilderness - we hear you, we do! I was surprised when our Pastor spoke of Prayer - not so long ago - he said like any request - there are three (3) possible answers. We live our \"faith\" like GOD will always say YES - but like any protective parent - that\'s not always the best answer. The answer can be \"YES\" - \"NO\" - or \"NOT NOW\". As I ponder your words - I know that the answer does come from a place of LOVE - providing what is needed - not necessarily what is wanted. Right now there is a song playing softly in the background and the only words I could hear was : \"I\'m everything I am because you loved me\". My prayer for today is that we all come through this with our LOVE intact. Thank you Beautiful One - Suzzanne
We all have differing opinions here at FMO and I respect that.....
\"As for me, I will call upon God...\" (Psalm 55, 16) Prayer was always intended as a means of communion between the Creator and the created but in saying that....God is sovereign and has dominion over life and death. It is WE who struggle with the things we do not understand or have control over....so that to me is where our faith and trust comes in. I have faith in my Lord and trust that He knows what is best for me and His creation. That also includes when it is time for us to be outta here. I have heard several thinkings on whether or not it was God\'s will to take my son in such a horrific manner...and my God allows me to doubt and question. It is human nature...the very nature He instilled in us. I know that God means for us to have life but life is not just in the here and now...it goes on....and He desires that we be with Him forever. We were created FOR Him. That is where Brandon is and that is how I sustain my faith...through knowing the promises God has given us through His Word. It gives me immense comfort.
I agree with what Linda has written. God\'s grace has seen me through the worst time in my life. I will NEVER understand it HERE. I only know from my personal experience how it has affected my faith...it has only gotten stronger... and God has sent me signs that I cannot deny.
As for the little girl who is dying...it is sad for that child\'s family and my Lord grieves with the brokenhearted.....I believe she will be in Heaven when she takes her last breath. Her family will have questions that will either strengthen their faith or cause them to find faith...or deny it altogether. I hope they have faith to sustain them during this sad season.
Sarah, I love both of the quotes.....I also love how you have poured your heart and love into your journals and share them with us. I just love LOVE!!
You are a treasure...a kind person and a cherished new friend. I think we all tread this uneven land with equal footing; a sad and questioning heart.
Much love and peace to you ....dale, brandon\'s mom
Ohh Sarah ... for Kate, i felt the same ... as i was wildly working my way through her cb website. LOVE. SPIRIT. AMEN. great post. de
I can add nothing to what has already been said. I do agree though that when we pray for a different outcome that what seems to be, it is hearbreaking. I prayed in all different languages (not literally) for him to survive surgeres, and a successful outcome of these surgeries. He did survive the surgeries, but the outcomes were not as promised. All of that suffering he went through and I don\'t know if any of the surgeries worked. He had more surgeries than I could count...maybe a dozen. The one that was the most promising failed. After that he was fused at Boston Children\'s. Two surgeries, one going through the front (to reach the backside of the spine) involved moving organs to reach the spine and a thoracic surgeon, then sitting in halo traction for weeks to get straighten out. He was. I saw a lengthening in his torso. Then back into surgery to fuse his spine in the straightened position. I swear it went back to it\'s previous position on the operating table. That was what I thought the most heartbreaking thing I would endure. But then his death, from a bad diagnosis. I was very very bitter and found it hard to go to my church. I told my minister. She understood. But I still HAD to begin my day with, \"Please God help me through this day.\" He did. And at night, always, \"Please God take care of my Jim.\" That is the long and short of my understanding of God\'s place in this.
I also think it is cruel to say that a cancer patient has a \"good attitude\" and will survive. I don\'t think it works that way. If it helps the patient, it\'s not harmful, though.
So many thoughts on all of this.
Sweet lady, lots of love and peace to you!
Soosanah
I think that God instructed us how to pray in His word. \"Thy will be done\"....that doesn\'t ask for anything except for God\'s will to be done, and to trust in Him. It doesn\'t tell us what His will will be, but we are to trust it is what\'s best for us. His word also says, \"Prayer availeth much\".....maybe that much is \"love\". As for myself, I refuse to limit God, He is bigger than anything there is....but I don\'t pretend to know His will for any of us......understanding that is way beyond me. But I do trust in Him, believe in Him, and have faith in Him. I think you are one fantastic, strong lady....love you.
Becky
perfectly beautiful, thank you....thank you....love to you....
Yes, Sarah. Thank you for writing so wisely and eloquently. We do not all share the same kind of faith or belief about how the universe works. But we can and do share the capacity for love and, in the end, that\'s what matters the most. My love to you and to all the other sisters here who have painfully had to learn about a new kind of love.
Very well written and very well described of faith, God, loss, life, afterlife....I do agree that when churches or people teach things that they have no control over to young children is very misleading. I also agree that when people grow up with misconceptions through \"religion\", that is where our confusion comes in when as the book written \"When Bad Things Happen To Good People\"....The title is what it is all about,,,,,I believe in the Bible, I believe in God, but God says it rains on the just and the unjust....really no one is special in God\'s sight we are all equal. Even if we go through searching and understanding and we just plain out don\'t understand...God is still there...As Dale said, we all have ways we believe, some the same, some different. Your journal was very inspiring .....Sandi