THIS WILL NEVER END
I'M LYING IN BED WATCHING TV AND THINKING ABOUT JACKIE. ITS THE SAME THING EVERY NIGHT. TONIGHT I WANTED TO WRITE ABOUT IT. TELL MY SISTERS, WHO KNOW BETTER THAN ANYONE HOW I FEEL.
I DIDN'T GO OUT THANKSGIVING TO MY FRIEND'S HOUSE FOR DINNER AND SHE UNDERSTOOD. SHE GOES ALONG WITH WHATEVER I WANT. WE ARE FRIENDS SINCE THE 7TH GRADE AND WE WORKED TOGETHER IN THE SAME OFFICE FOR 35 YEARS. I COULDN'T LOVE HER MORE THAN IF SHE WAS A BLOOD SISTER. SHE UNDERSTANDS, SHE DOESN'T TRY AND PUSH ME INTO DOING ANYTHING WHEN I DON'T WANT TO. AND SHE NEVER PLACATES ME WITH ANSWERS I WANT TO HEAR. SHE IS ALWAYS TRUTHFUL. SO WHEN I TOLD HER I WANTED TO BE ALONE THIS YEAR SHE UNDERSTOOD. SO MY SISTER AND I STAYED HOME AND HAD (OF ALL THINGS) CORNED BEEF AND CABBAGE. LOL. MY SISTER SUFFERS FROM CHROIN'S DISEASE SINCE SHE WAS 17 AND IS GOING THROUGH A ROUGH PATCH NOW, AND THAT'S WHAT SHE WANTED SO THAT'S WHAT I MADE.
MY DOCTOR TOOK ME OFF PROZAC AND PUT ME ON CYMBALTA BECAUSE IT ALSO HELPS FIBROMYALGIA BESIDES DEPRESSION. MY MIND IS ALWAYS THINKING. SOME DAYS ARE WORSE THAN OTHERS AND WHEN SOMETHING TRIGGERS ME, ITS SO HARD TO COME BACK TO MYSELF. I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT MYSELF IS ANYMORE. FRIDAY I DROVE TO NEW JERSEY BECAUSE MY GRANDDAUGHTER CAME DOWN FROM ALBANY WITH MY GREAT GRANDSON AND I WANTED TO SEE ALL OF THEM. SPENDING TIME WITH MY SON AND HIS FAMILY HELPS. ITS JUST THAT WHEN I LEAVE THERE, I HAVE SUCH A HARD TIME. JACKIE IS MISSING ALL THESE WONDERFUL EVENTS. HOW WILL I EVER ENJOY A HOLIDAY AGAIN. I HAVE TO PRETEND TO BE HAVING A GREAT TIME WHEN I'M SO SAD BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO LET ANYONE SEE ME CRY. I FEEL DRAINED. I FEEL LOST, I FEEL EMPTY INSIDE. IT'S A YEAR AND A HALF NOW THAT JACKIE LEFT US AND I FEEL LIKE IT WAS YESTERDAY. I REPLAY THAT NIGHT IN MY MIND OVER AND OVER. I STRAIN TO TRY AND HEAR HER VOICE SAY, "MOM, I LOVE YOU SO MUCH", I THINK OF HOW LONELY AND SAD AND DEPRESSED SHE MUST HAVE FELT. I PICTURE HER SITTING IN THE CAR ALL ALONE CRYING BEFORE SHE PULLED THE TRIGGER.
ANYTHING CAN SET ME OFF. EVEN A SONG THAT DOESN'T RELATE TO HER, I CAN MAKE IT RELATE AND START CRYING. SO THIS IS MY LIFE NOW. MY SON HAS HIS FAMILY, GOD BLESS THEM. MY GRANDCHILDREN COME AND STAY WITH ME WHEN THEY ARE HOME FROM SCHOOL SOMETIMES AND MY GRANDSON, I'M SURE WOULD RATHER BE WITH HIS FRIENDS, BUT HE IS SO GOOD, HE COMES AND SLEEPS OVER AND WE HAVE A WONDERFUL TIME. MY GRANDDAUGHTER WANTS TO STAY AS LONG AS SHE CAN, BUT I KNOW HER MOTIVES, SHE HAS NO CHORES, AT MY HOUSE, LOL. IF THIS DIDN'T HAPPEN, LIFE WOULD HAVE BEEN SO WONDERFUL. THE HOLIDAYS WERE SO JOYFUL AND GREAT. THE HOUSE FULL OF PEOPLE ALL THE TIME. ME COOKING AND I LOVED IT. NOW, MY SISTER AND I DON'T EVEN BOTHER. WE HAD TWO CHURCH FAIRS TO GO TO AND SELL THE JEWELRY WE MAKE. WE DID OK. SOLD A COUPLE OF THINGS. THAT IS WHAT KEEPS ME BUSY DUING THE WEEK. WORKING ON THE JEWELRY. NOW I HAVE TO FACE CHRISTMAS AND NEW YEARS. OH GOD, HOW I AM DREADING THIS, BUT I TOLD MY SISTER THAT MAYBE WE SHOULD DECORATE JUST A LITTLE. I REALLY AM TRYING. BREAKING UP MY MARRIAGE ALSO IS A BIG PART OF THIS. I WAS SO UNHAPPY FOR SO LONG BUT WOULD NEVER LEAVE BECAUSE JACKIE WAS SICK. BUT I WAS MARRIED FOR 34 YEARS AND WE DID HAVE GOOD TIMES IN THE BEGINNING. IT WASN'T ALWAY BAD. IT ALL STARTED WHEN MY HUSBAND STARTED DRINKING AFTER HIS MOTHER DIED AND IT DIDN'T TAKE LONG BEFORE HE BECAME A MEAN, VINDICTIVE, EMOTIONALLY ABUSIVE ALCOHOLIC.
I WOULD WANT SOMEONE TO LOVE AGAIN OR EVEN SOMEONE WHO CARED FOR ME. MAYBE GO OUT TO DINNER OR A MOVIE. DO I SOUND PITYFUL. I DO FEEL BAD FOR MYSELF. MY FRIEND, SONIA AND MY SISTER SAID ITS OK I FEEL LIKE THAT AND I SHOULD NEVER TRY AND HIDE MY FEELINGS FROM THEM. I HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO FEEL THAT WAY; SHE'S WORRIED BECAUSE I'M MORE FORGETFUL THAN I HAVE BEEN.
I HAVE A HARD TIME CONCENTRATING ON THINGS, BECAUSE MY MIND WANDERS. I WAS SUPPOSED TO PROTECT MY CHILD, I STILL FEEL THAT MAYBE I COULD HAVE HELPED PREVENT HER FROM KILLING HERSELF IF I WOULD HAVE GONE OUT WITH HER THAT DAY. MY DOCTOR TELLS ME THAT YES, MAYBE THAT DAY SHE WOULDN'T HAVE DONE IT, BUT IT WOULD HAVE BEEN ANOTHER DAY. SHE WAS THIRTY, I COULDN'T TALK HER INTO GOING OFF SOME OF THE MEDICATION SHE WAS ON, AND SHE WAS ON A LOT. I COULDN'T TALK HER INTO GOING TO SEE A THERAPIST. I WAS WITH HER 24/7 FOR THE LAST TWO YEARS OF HER LIFE. IF WE WEREN'T GOING TO A DOCTOR'S APPOINTMENT, WE WERE OUT AT THE MALL, OR FOOD SHOPPING OR JUST HANGING OUT TOGETHER. THAT ONE DAY, THAT I WAS TIRED AND SAID NO, SHE WENT AND TOOK HER LIFE. ALL THE THERAPY IN THE WORLD WILL NEVER MAKE ME STOP MISSING HER OR FEELING I SHOULD HAVE DONE MORE. I AM HER MOTHER. WHOEVER READS MY JOURNAL TODAY, I APOLOGIZE IF I MADE YOU SAD OR MADE YOU THINK EVEN MORE ABOUT YOUR OWN DEVASTATING LOSS, BUT TONIGHT I NEED TO GET THIS OUT, BECAUSE YOU ARE ALL MY LIFELINE AND YOUR ADVICE AND LOVE AND SUPPORT HELPS ME TRY AND RATIONALIZE WHAT HAPPENED. OK, SO ENOUGH CRYING FOR ME NOW. I CAN'T SLEEP SO I'LL WATCH SOME MORE TV AND THANKS FOR LISTENING.. I LOVE YOU ALL. GAIL
I DIDN'T GO OUT THANKSGIVING TO MY FRIEND'S HOUSE FOR DINNER AND SHE UNDERSTOOD. SHE GOES ALONG WITH WHATEVER I WANT. WE ARE FRIENDS SINCE THE 7TH GRADE AND WE WORKED TOGETHER IN THE SAME OFFICE FOR 35 YEARS. I COULDN'T LOVE HER MORE THAN IF SHE WAS A BLOOD SISTER. SHE UNDERSTANDS, SHE DOESN'T TRY AND PUSH ME INTO DOING ANYTHING WHEN I DON'T WANT TO. AND SHE NEVER PLACATES ME WITH ANSWERS I WANT TO HEAR. SHE IS ALWAYS TRUTHFUL. SO WHEN I TOLD HER I WANTED TO BE ALONE THIS YEAR SHE UNDERSTOOD. SO MY SISTER AND I STAYED HOME AND HAD (OF ALL THINGS) CORNED BEEF AND CABBAGE. LOL. MY SISTER SUFFERS FROM CHROIN'S DISEASE SINCE SHE WAS 17 AND IS GOING THROUGH A ROUGH PATCH NOW, AND THAT'S WHAT SHE WANTED SO THAT'S WHAT I MADE.
MY DOCTOR TOOK ME OFF PROZAC AND PUT ME ON CYMBALTA BECAUSE IT ALSO HELPS FIBROMYALGIA BESIDES DEPRESSION. MY MIND IS ALWAYS THINKING. SOME DAYS ARE WORSE THAN OTHERS AND WHEN SOMETHING TRIGGERS ME, ITS SO HARD TO COME BACK TO MYSELF. I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT MYSELF IS ANYMORE. FRIDAY I DROVE TO NEW JERSEY BECAUSE MY GRANDDAUGHTER CAME DOWN FROM ALBANY WITH MY GREAT GRANDSON AND I WANTED TO SEE ALL OF THEM. SPENDING TIME WITH MY SON AND HIS FAMILY HELPS. ITS JUST THAT WHEN I LEAVE THERE, I HAVE SUCH A HARD TIME. JACKIE IS MISSING ALL THESE WONDERFUL EVENTS. HOW WILL I EVER ENJOY A HOLIDAY AGAIN. I HAVE TO PRETEND TO BE HAVING A GREAT TIME WHEN I'M SO SAD BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO LET ANYONE SEE ME CRY. I FEEL DRAINED. I FEEL LOST, I FEEL EMPTY INSIDE. IT'S A YEAR AND A HALF NOW THAT JACKIE LEFT US AND I FEEL LIKE IT WAS YESTERDAY. I REPLAY THAT NIGHT IN MY MIND OVER AND OVER. I STRAIN TO TRY AND HEAR HER VOICE SAY, "MOM, I LOVE YOU SO MUCH", I THINK OF HOW LONELY AND SAD AND DEPRESSED SHE MUST HAVE FELT. I PICTURE HER SITTING IN THE CAR ALL ALONE CRYING BEFORE SHE PULLED THE TRIGGER.
ANYTHING CAN SET ME OFF. EVEN A SONG THAT DOESN'T RELATE TO HER, I CAN MAKE IT RELATE AND START CRYING. SO THIS IS MY LIFE NOW. MY SON HAS HIS FAMILY, GOD BLESS THEM. MY GRANDCHILDREN COME AND STAY WITH ME WHEN THEY ARE HOME FROM SCHOOL SOMETIMES AND MY GRANDSON, I'M SURE WOULD RATHER BE WITH HIS FRIENDS, BUT HE IS SO GOOD, HE COMES AND SLEEPS OVER AND WE HAVE A WONDERFUL TIME. MY GRANDDAUGHTER WANTS TO STAY AS LONG AS SHE CAN, BUT I KNOW HER MOTIVES, SHE HAS NO CHORES, AT MY HOUSE, LOL. IF THIS DIDN'T HAPPEN, LIFE WOULD HAVE BEEN SO WONDERFUL. THE HOLIDAYS WERE SO JOYFUL AND GREAT. THE HOUSE FULL OF PEOPLE ALL THE TIME. ME COOKING AND I LOVED IT. NOW, MY SISTER AND I DON'T EVEN BOTHER. WE HAD TWO CHURCH FAIRS TO GO TO AND SELL THE JEWELRY WE MAKE. WE DID OK. SOLD A COUPLE OF THINGS. THAT IS WHAT KEEPS ME BUSY DUING THE WEEK. WORKING ON THE JEWELRY. NOW I HAVE TO FACE CHRISTMAS AND NEW YEARS. OH GOD, HOW I AM DREADING THIS, BUT I TOLD MY SISTER THAT MAYBE WE SHOULD DECORATE JUST A LITTLE. I REALLY AM TRYING. BREAKING UP MY MARRIAGE ALSO IS A BIG PART OF THIS. I WAS SO UNHAPPY FOR SO LONG BUT WOULD NEVER LEAVE BECAUSE JACKIE WAS SICK. BUT I WAS MARRIED FOR 34 YEARS AND WE DID HAVE GOOD TIMES IN THE BEGINNING. IT WASN'T ALWAY BAD. IT ALL STARTED WHEN MY HUSBAND STARTED DRINKING AFTER HIS MOTHER DIED AND IT DIDN'T TAKE LONG BEFORE HE BECAME A MEAN, VINDICTIVE, EMOTIONALLY ABUSIVE ALCOHOLIC.
I WOULD WANT SOMEONE TO LOVE AGAIN OR EVEN SOMEONE WHO CARED FOR ME. MAYBE GO OUT TO DINNER OR A MOVIE. DO I SOUND PITYFUL. I DO FEEL BAD FOR MYSELF. MY FRIEND, SONIA AND MY SISTER SAID ITS OK I FEEL LIKE THAT AND I SHOULD NEVER TRY AND HIDE MY FEELINGS FROM THEM. I HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO FEEL THAT WAY; SHE'S WORRIED BECAUSE I'M MORE FORGETFUL THAN I HAVE BEEN.
I HAVE A HARD TIME CONCENTRATING ON THINGS, BECAUSE MY MIND WANDERS. I WAS SUPPOSED TO PROTECT MY CHILD, I STILL FEEL THAT MAYBE I COULD HAVE HELPED PREVENT HER FROM KILLING HERSELF IF I WOULD HAVE GONE OUT WITH HER THAT DAY. MY DOCTOR TELLS ME THAT YES, MAYBE THAT DAY SHE WOULDN'T HAVE DONE IT, BUT IT WOULD HAVE BEEN ANOTHER DAY. SHE WAS THIRTY, I COULDN'T TALK HER INTO GOING OFF SOME OF THE MEDICATION SHE WAS ON, AND SHE WAS ON A LOT. I COULDN'T TALK HER INTO GOING TO SEE A THERAPIST. I WAS WITH HER 24/7 FOR THE LAST TWO YEARS OF HER LIFE. IF WE WEREN'T GOING TO A DOCTOR'S APPOINTMENT, WE WERE OUT AT THE MALL, OR FOOD SHOPPING OR JUST HANGING OUT TOGETHER. THAT ONE DAY, THAT I WAS TIRED AND SAID NO, SHE WENT AND TOOK HER LIFE. ALL THE THERAPY IN THE WORLD WILL NEVER MAKE ME STOP MISSING HER OR FEELING I SHOULD HAVE DONE MORE. I AM HER MOTHER. WHOEVER READS MY JOURNAL TODAY, I APOLOGIZE IF I MADE YOU SAD OR MADE YOU THINK EVEN MORE ABOUT YOUR OWN DEVASTATING LOSS, BUT TONIGHT I NEED TO GET THIS OUT, BECAUSE YOU ARE ALL MY LIFELINE AND YOUR ADVICE AND LOVE AND SUPPORT HELPS ME TRY AND RATIONALIZE WHAT HAPPENED. OK, SO ENOUGH CRYING FOR ME NOW. I CAN'T SLEEP SO I'LL WATCH SOME MORE TV AND THANKS FOR LISTENING.. I LOVE YOU ALL. GAIL
Replies
Don\'t need to apologise for letting it all out. My son killed himself last year the the guilt is the hardest emotion of all. Mothers are supposed to protect our children and keep them safe, but our children grew into adults and I hope you can come to learn that you were not in any way shape or form responsible for your daughters death. Two things that helped me were a book called Handbook for Survivors of Suicide by Jeffrey Jackson and an article called \'reinforcement in the aftermath of suicide. You can google these or find them on my website www.losingachildtosuicide.org.uk. This is the hardest thing a parent can go through we are living in our worst nightmare, but you can survive and find a way to be happy again and you will do it in your own time. Keep writing and sharing as it does help. I still cannot quite believe that my son killed himself, I live with it every day but I know he wouldn\'t want to destroy my life so I try to live the best life I can as I know this is what he would want. Love and hugs. Anne
Dear Gail, first I just want to say how very proud I am that you can open up so freely and honestly with us. To be allowed into the deepest parts of each others hearts...to be heard....to be understood....is such a gift!
I wish so much I could wrap my arms around you and cry with you. My heart is crying with you....and the arms of my heart are wrapped around you. I hope you can feel the love I\'m sending...
It\'s still so new...only 1 1/2 years.... You are doing what you can, when you can, and as Joanie always teaches us, that is enough. I wish I had the right words....I always fear I\'ll stumble around and say the exact wrong thing.....what I want to try to share with you is something I learned from Kala just prior to the first angel date....which she laughs when I use that term! Anyway...see I get side tracked too! LOL. So, anyway, Kala impressed upon me so deeply, so clearly, that I had been UN-invited her everything I said to someone \"without my daughter\". I somehow knew, and was able to put into practice, the importance of changing my speech and never again since that day have I uttered the words \"without my daughter\". For me, changing the things I said out loud helped change the things I thought in my mind. I hope that makes sense. And I hope maybe it can help a little.
I KNOW losing the physical is HORRIBLE! I will alway miss Kala\'s physical presence....and truthfully, I miss her more today than ever before. But the \"missing\" is much different than the mourning and grieving.....for me at least it is different.
There is no time table, no right or wrong way to grieve for our children. So whatever YOU need is what you should do, or not do. No matter what, we are here for you and we love you very much!
I hope today will be more peaceful and you will truly feel the love Jackie has for you.....cause it\'s a LOT!!
Love you~~Teri
Gail, I have nothing to ass to what Teri said, I just want to reinforce you have nothing to apologize for..
Hugs, marylou
Gail...I found my self at times in your journal,,if only I had gone with my Morgan that day.....but yes,, not that day it would have been another day.
Pleasae write again,,you can say whatever you like and we understand..
love you and send my prayers and hugs!!
What you have described I understand with all of my heart dear Gail, and your therapist is very wise because if it would not have happened that day it might have another. This is the human dilemma and one of the mysteries none of us will ever understand yet her pain was acute and she needed relief. Not from her earthly family yet from the pain that was forever present in her being. They are doing studies too on the sensitivity of many who complete suicide or turn to drugs. This earth and the harshness of it is just too much for their gentle and tender hearts.
You are navigating as best as you are able and never any need for an apology as this is a safe haven filled with compassion and understanding.
Look at how far you have come and what you are able to do now and even think about and express. I see a warrior woman who has courage and trusts the process of knowing that by feeling what she needs to healing is happening. I SEE you and I hope in time that you may as well.
Much love your way and we are walking this path together dear Gail. Thank goodness for our sisters of the heart. I consider you to be one of mine.
XO Joanie
Tights hugs dear friend, I know how hard this road is, I\'m on it with you.
Terry
That last paragraph....I could have written it. \"Another day, another way\"...both my therapists tell me that about my daughter. It might have been even worse, much worse. I have a friend who had to take her son off life support after she found him hanging. No, sister, we are not to blame. We do not have the power of life and death. There are people in lock down psychiatric wards who take their lives. Where there\'s a will, there\'s a way. I have come to the same conclusion you have: this is how it will be for me for the rest of my life. I\'ve gotten as \"better\" as I\'m ever going to get. I have to live with it and somehow allow it to make me a better person, a strong friend, a comfort to those who grieve, a caregiver of the sick and lonely. I live for God with whom my daughter is, as I saw her on October 23,2011, radiant, beautiful, healed.
Thanks everyone, I so need to hear from all of you when i\'m like the other night. My friend came in from Fla. so I went out to dinner with her and another girlfriend of ours. We all grew up together and I had a wonderful time. Laughing and even talking about Jackie without crying. Sure, tears came to my eyes but its was funny things that me and Jackie did or talked about that was making us laugh. Jackie had a great sense of humor. So, I do know, that when things like this happen, I am on the road to healing. I just have to accept that she is not phycially with me anymore, but I do know that day I saw her it was real. It didn\'t last long, it was a split second but she was looking at me with her head tilted with a smile. I am going to open myself up to these signs. I thought I was seeing things. Maybe if I start believing that the signs are not my imagination she will come to me again. Who else to know exactly what i am going through than all of you. Women that I have never met but feel like I know you forever. You are all such a comfort to me and I hope that when I respond to anyone\'s journal, I say the right things because I am so afraid that I might notl I want to help others heal when I hear such sorrow and sadness in their voice. I think that too is part of the healing process. That we try and help one another. thanks again. Love you all, Gail
Gail, you come and let it out in whatever way you need to and whenever you need to. I am here to listen. This hurts like heck and any day that is a good one is a gift. We will miss our kids always and we will cry and long for them but over time God will heal our broken hearts. My grief counselor told me to embrace the signs and I do and the signs from my son do comfort me. Jackie is at peace and surrounded by God\'s love. Rest in that sweet assurance. Love to you and Jackie, Linda
Gail, you come and let it out in whatever way you need to and whenever you need to. I am here to listen. This hurts like heck and any day that is a good one is a gift. We will miss our kids always and we will cry and long for them but over time God will heal our broken hearts. My grief counselor told me to embrace the signs and I do and the signs from my son do comfort me. Jackie is at peace and surrounded by God\'s love. Rest in that sweet assurance. Love to you and Jackie, Linda
Gail, you come and let it out in whatever way you need to and whenever you need to. I am here to listen. This hurts like heck and any day that is a good one is a gift. We will miss our kids always and we will cry and long for them but over time God will heal our broken hearts. My grief counselor told me to embrace the signs and I do and the signs from my son do comfort me. Jackie is at peace and surrounded by God\'s love. Rest in that sweet assurance. Love to you and Jackie, Linda
Gail, you come and let it out in whatever way you need to and whenever you need to. I am here to listen. This hurts like heck and any day that is a good one is a gift. We will miss our kids always and we will cry and long for them but over time God will heal our broken hearts. My grief counselor told me to embrace the signs and I do and the signs from my son do comfort me. Jackie is at peace and surrounded by God\'s love. Rest in that sweet assurance. Love to you and Jackie, Linda
I\'m so glad you got get out and have some fun relief with your friends. Guilt is the most useless, destructive emotion - yet we all have it, whatever our circumstances. It\'s part of being a mother, I guess. As if losing your child wasn\'t enough. Your doctor hit the nail on the head and I have no doubt that Jackie loved you with all her heart and is still right beside you across that veil. Joanna x