Stranger in the mirror

I haven't been on in some time.  Aside from burying myself in work,  I honestly avoid everyone and everything else. My hear shattered and my life forever changed on 3/16/03 and in May 2016 My life once again was flipped upside down. Everything I thought my life was after losing my son in 2003 was a lie.  Out was all lies built on more lies.  My marriage was in pieces and the person I shared all my good, bad, happy sad, love, fear and heart with for 15 yrs was a liar. I'm not the easiest person to give trust.im not the easiest person to allow someone a second chance especially in a situation as huge as this. A year later and I don't trust him ... honestly I know ill never allow myself to trust him again. This past year has destroyed my will to go on. I'm in a situation the send and feels hopeless because of a dishonest person who was supposed tho love,  honor and cherish me.  He chose to love himself,  not me. He put mess in a financial situation I'm not sure ill ever see the end of and feels I owe him a second chance. Meanwhile,  in shattered. I feel so empty,  alone,  hopeless,  drained and hundreds of other descriptions.  I gave him my all and he trashed me,  things and possible I hold dear.  I just know I can't do anything too help this. I could leave and be homeless but then why am I the one to lose again? I'm just struggling with physical health issues as well as all of this emotional baggage.  I'm not suicidal ... I don't have those thoughts or plans.  I just feel hopeless and alone


 I feel bad because I connected with a mom on her who lost her son and just disappeared for almost a year.  I'm sure she thinks I'm horrible but I readily did want to keep that friendship alive.  I just loved in a bubble ... work, shower, sleep, repeat. As easy escape but not a solution.  My head has 100s of solutions as does my heart... none match.  I don't know the answer. I just know today I felt defeated. 

Replies

Livingjuicy
Livingjuicy

Gentle care as you navigate these very painful and jagged pieces of your life. May there be some healing in the midst even at times you doubt it even possible.

Please do not feel badly about anyone here. Each mom understands in ways only another can that there are times we need to cocoon and other times we are able to inch out if even just for a moment. Nothing falls on one woman's shoulders and that is why there is a village here. When I can't, someone else will is always my hope. Perhaps you'll be able to reconnect with her when you are able to in time.

Please give yourself a lot of self nurturing, wiggle room and grace in the midst. You don't have to have the answers and how you are living now is what is needed for today, perhaps not forever. May the answers that you seek come and you have all your sisters of the heart here who care.

Hand in hand, Heart to heart,
XO Joanie
mummar
mummar

You are not horrible - you are amazing. You are on the most painful journal ever and still are standing, despite everything else in your life. If you need to live in a bubble right now, then that's the right thing for you to do - there is so much pressure in life to do what feels right for others or their opinions when in fact they have no idea. I know it sounds so overused but there really is just this day - take it one at a time and be kind to yourself. You are so worth it ~ Joanna x
comegetme
comegetme

All my hope and love.