Stranger in the mirror
I haven't been on in some time. Aside from burying myself in work, I honestly avoid everyone and everything else. My hear shattered and my life forever changed on 3/16/03 and in May 2016 My life once again was flipped upside down. Everything I thought my life was after losing my son in 2003 was a lie. Out was all lies built on more lies. My marriage was in pieces and the person I shared all my good, bad, happy sad, love, fear and heart with for 15 yrs was a liar. I'm not the easiest person to give trust.im not the easiest person to allow someone a second chance especially in a situation as huge as this. A year later and I don't trust him ... honestly I know ill never allow myself to trust him again. This past year has destroyed my will to go on. I'm in a situation the send and feels hopeless because of a dishonest person who was supposed tho love, honor and cherish me. He chose to love himself, not me. He put mess in a financial situation I'm not sure ill ever see the end of and feels I owe him a second chance. Meanwhile, in shattered. I feel so empty, alone, hopeless, drained and hundreds of other descriptions. I gave him my all and he trashed me, things and possible I hold dear. I just know I can't do anything too help this. I could leave and be homeless but then why am I the one to lose again? I'm just struggling with physical health issues as well as all of this emotional baggage. I'm not suicidal ... I don't have those thoughts or plans. I just feel hopeless and alone
I feel bad because I connected with a mom on her who lost her son and just disappeared for almost a year. I'm sure she thinks I'm horrible but I readily did want to keep that friendship alive. I just loved in a bubble ... work, shower, sleep, repeat. As easy escape but not a solution. My head has 100s of solutions as does my heart... none match. I don't know the answer. I just know today I felt defeated.