Shake it out ... Shake it out ...
I just keep hearing that song in my head this week ... Shake it out ... Shake it out ... good idea but how does one do that?
No matter how hard I try I just can't shake this feeling. I can't get back to "me". I can't seem to find that center of the road, straight talking, always able to be there for everyone, hide my emotions, hardened person I've become. I feel angry, I feel injured, I feel lost, I feel over whelmed, I feel broken. Broken mind ... broken body ... broken spirit ... broken, broken.
Maybe I have always been and I was too busy putting on a front to appear "normal". That I'm controlled ... in control even living a nightmare. Whoever said "We ask God why me, why us when something bad happens but how many time do we say Why me God when something good happens". I always Said Randy Lee never thought it would be him because it was always someone else. Maybe that's how we all think.
How to get back on my feet is my mission this week. I wish I could say I have a plan ... the answer ... I don't. I just know that today was the roughest day in a long, long time. Making it through that shift was painful in every way. I'm sitting here crying my eyes out and I dont' know how to stop. I'm going to finish my drink and go to be before Ken gets home to avoid having to talk and pretend I'm okay. Not to have to put on the nice face and say "I'm okay". I just don't have it in me.
I would love to fall asleep and dream of Randy Lee. To see his amazing face with that beautiful smile. Even to hear him yell "MOTHER: at me one more time. Anything - everything - something --- to all of those parents out there who are just feeling overwhelmed but can walk into the next room or pick up a phone and hear their child ~ to you I say thank God. Today, tomorrow --- every chance you get. Say I love you ... don't worry about being embarrassed. Don't worry about looks or stares. Say it -- say it all the time. Hug - laugh -- take a break to just hear about the day. Do it because you never know when it will be the last chance. For that ... one more of those ... I can't even think what it would be worth. My life ...
Randy Lee was my heart and soul. He was my reason to live. He was my smile , my laugh .... he was reason to .....
No matter how hard I try I just can't shake this feeling. I can't get back to "me". I can't seem to find that center of the road, straight talking, always able to be there for everyone, hide my emotions, hardened person I've become. I feel angry, I feel injured, I feel lost, I feel over whelmed, I feel broken. Broken mind ... broken body ... broken spirit ... broken, broken.
Maybe I have always been and I was too busy putting on a front to appear "normal". That I'm controlled ... in control even living a nightmare. Whoever said "We ask God why me, why us when something bad happens but how many time do we say Why me God when something good happens". I always Said Randy Lee never thought it would be him because it was always someone else. Maybe that's how we all think.
How to get back on my feet is my mission this week. I wish I could say I have a plan ... the answer ... I don't. I just know that today was the roughest day in a long, long time. Making it through that shift was painful in every way. I'm sitting here crying my eyes out and I dont' know how to stop. I'm going to finish my drink and go to be before Ken gets home to avoid having to talk and pretend I'm okay. Not to have to put on the nice face and say "I'm okay". I just don't have it in me.
I would love to fall asleep and dream of Randy Lee. To see his amazing face with that beautiful smile. Even to hear him yell "MOTHER: at me one more time. Anything - everything - something --- to all of those parents out there who are just feeling overwhelmed but can walk into the next room or pick up a phone and hear their child ~ to you I say thank God. Today, tomorrow --- every chance you get. Say I love you ... don't worry about being embarrassed. Don't worry about looks or stares. Say it -- say it all the time. Hug - laugh -- take a break to just hear about the day. Do it because you never know when it will be the last chance. For that ... one more of those ... I can't even think what it would be worth. My life ...
Randy Lee was my heart and soul. He was my reason to live. He was my smile , my laugh .... he was reason to .....
Replies
You don\'t have to hide your tears...please let them flow. If the tears of a grieving mother bothers anyone that badly, I would say let that person go hide in the bathroom, not you. I am a emotional person anyway, and I really don\'t care what anyone else thinks...I am the one who has lost my child. My grief is just a part of who I am now, and I have lost close friends and family members because of it, because they simply can\'t handle my grief and can\'t understand why I don\'t try harder to move on...Losing a child changes you. Some people may not recognize the new me, some people are afraid of me because I am a living, breathing reminder that sometimes nightmares come true. My Cassi was my life too, my reason to live, smile, laugh...and I lost her. I will cry, scream, whatever it takes to release whatever emotion (s) I am feeling at the time. Nothing about this journey is easy. I always go back to \"One day at a time\" or one hour, or one minute...
Well...I am not sure that we are ever back to the \"old\" person. I believe that we are forever changed. It does not mean that we cannot feel centered and whole...but we are different. I would imagine that you have developed new strengths that you may not see. But step back and see what you HAVE accomplished since losing your son. For one thing...you have continued to put one foot in front of the other, work, live! That is amazing after a loss so big. For me, it helped me to help others. When I did this it took the focus off of my own pain and somehow that eased my pain. Keep trying...love and gentle hugs...Karen