Reminders

I've been keeping to myself a lot lately, trying to sort things out in my head.  Maybe I am keeping too much in.  Today's anxiety attack is just a reminder that things will never be normal again. It's the new normal...blaa haa ha.  NO, Seriously, what am I going to do?  Fall down and cry? ...oh..that's right..I can't really cry on these meds. Blaaa haaaa haaa! I swear I was pretty close today.  I have a lot on deck right now.  The end of the semester is getting closer and closer...I think I have kept a lot at bay before by deciding not to make any big life decisions until school was done...but here it is..now I have to rip the scabs off and start figuring out what to do...and how much fear I have to overcome to do it. 

I usually think of my anxiety as something to fight against..I imagine myself a soldier...saying..this bitch is going down!  But, lately after reading some of the worry games I wonder if I need to acknowlege and accept it more. 

We were talking the other night about a couple of local news stories here:  One was a lady in Tahoe whose dogs fell through thin ice and almost drowned.  The other was a lady that ran out of gas somewhere near the grand canyon and was out there for 5 days.  I said..there are all kinds of bad things that may happen to people who suffer from anxiety..but these two things...never gonna happen.  Steve says, you don't know that for sure.  I say, yeah, I am pretty sure.  Why?  Because we are already playing the what if game three ways from Sunday.  If we were in Tahoe?  Already looking at that ice wondering if it's really solid and not letting the dog off leash.  Crossing the desert or any other long stretch?  I'm topping the tank off at the edge of wherever..no 'half tank should be fine' shit for me.  I said, you get mad that I worry endlessly about every scenario, and it's true!  But on some occasions it has saved my ass. 

That is why one of my favorite sayings is: It's only paranoia if you are wrong.

I hate the physical symptoms that anxiety produces in my system..the shaking weakness...but the part of my mind that tries to have a plan B, C, and D.  I kind of like that part.