Putting things away.
Another rotten day. I have given up on prayers. I have given up believing in the fairness and goodness of life. I really don't care what happens to me anymore. There is nothing that can fill the void in my heart. I know the only reason I am still alive is to suffer. Live or dead it doesn't matter anymore to me. Sun or rain it is all bleakness and darkness.
I put more of James robert way today. Pics are all I have left. I will never hear his voice, see his face. A pic is a poor subsitute.
The only way I get throu the day is pretending he is still alive. I know it is stupid but I can't move, can't think, can't get up the energy to even want to live unless I pretend. I pretend I don't hurt. I pretend James Robert is still here. I pretend that I still have a reason to go on. Maybe if I pretend enough I can convince myself that I want to live, that life has something good to offer in it. I pretend the tears I cry don't matter. That the bleakness will go away. I give myself tons of other reasons as to why I am sad and drepressed.
Why couldn't it have been me instead of my boy? Why why why why why why. It is like the song. All I have to do is dream, dream dream when I feel blue. I am dreaming my life away but at least in dreams I don't hurt and James is still with me.
Life seems to be getting harder instead of easier.
I put more of James robert way today. Pics are all I have left. I will never hear his voice, see his face. A pic is a poor subsitute.
The only way I get throu the day is pretending he is still alive. I know it is stupid but I can't move, can't think, can't get up the energy to even want to live unless I pretend. I pretend I don't hurt. I pretend James Robert is still here. I pretend that I still have a reason to go on. Maybe if I pretend enough I can convince myself that I want to live, that life has something good to offer in it. I pretend the tears I cry don't matter. That the bleakness will go away. I give myself tons of other reasons as to why I am sad and drepressed.
Why couldn't it have been me instead of my boy? Why why why why why why. It is like the song. All I have to do is dream, dream dream when I feel blue. I am dreaming my life away but at least in dreams I don't hurt and James is still with me.
Life seems to be getting harder instead of easier.
Replies
I have had many rotten days and understand with all of my heart what you are describing. :(
If pretending is what you need to do then continue to do just that. It takes the mind and heart a very long time to totally wrap themselves around this harsh reality of our children not being with us in the ways we had always hoped and dreamed for.
Often the uphill climb is so very steep and I hope if you have not read on our discussion page The Journey, that you will. It was posted awhile ago and I keep bringing it up to the top because it is the one piece of writing that so very deeply resonates for me and perhaps will for you as well.
Gentle, gentle care on this steep climb and know that you have sister climbers walking beside you.
Loving care,
XO Joanie
Oh my God, honey...I am so sorry...You sound just like the voice in my head...the pain in my heart. NOTHING you do is stupid, if you need to imagine him alive, what does it hurt??? I know, I KNOW what you are going thru, what you are feeling...but I don\'t have any answers. Sunday marked 12 weeks that I lost my only child, the person I loved more than love...I have so many questions, especially, Why, Why, Why... One thing I have found is that as soon as I get an answer to any question another takes it\'s place, many that can\'t be answered, not in this life. Cassi\'s property still hasn\'t been released to me as it is considered an open case. The Medical Examiner FINALLY got back her toxicology report, now they say it should \"only\" be a couple of weeks until they can wrap it up. Meantime, no official cause of death, no death certificate...She shot herself...in her head with a 38 caliber pistol...yet they are putting me thru this because they \"need\" to determine the drugs in her system. The most hurtful thing is I haven\'t been given her cell phone. I hope maybe, just maybe there will be texts that help answer some questions.
It does seem harder at times. In the beginning I was hysterical most of the time, but it seemed like at least I was alive. Now, I feel dead at times, cocooned in my home, unable to participate in the most basic activities. Worse, reality sinks in more and more. I don\'t know how it\'s possible, but it does.
However...there are short periods of reprieve, periods when the pain is not so sharp, when loss is not foremost in my mind. Simple times, but such sweet relief. I never thought that would happen...other Moms told me it would, and it has. I can only hope those periods of relative peace will come more often and hang around longer and I am starting to believe they will.
If at all possible, please read \"Life after Death\" by Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross...I truly believe this little book has saved my sanity, maybe even my life. I believe my troubled, precious child is at peace now, and happy. I always wanted to take her pain on myself but that wasn\'t possible, now I feel in a way that has happened. She is at peace and I am in pain...I can take it...I will bear the pain and someday be reunited with my love. If I can help anyone in the mean time, that\'s what I want to do. I\'m so, so sorry... please believe me...it WILL get better.
I love how you always say,,, James Robert..... so much love in how you write that.... hang on,,,,you are loved,,,, you have my prayers for a better day tomorrow,, love ya!
In the be going all the days seem filled with agony. It seems impossible that it can improve...but it will. Day to day. We do what we need to survive. Be gentle with yourself ....love to you...Karen
I am just so sorry. I am having a crappy crummy day also, but I think yours wins -- not that you want to. I\'m just sorry -- but at least here and listening like your other friends here, so you are not alone.
I can relate so sorry
I so remember those early days (years), always miserable, always the questions of \"why\", constant tears. I truly didn\'t believe that I could ever get to a better level of life and lots of times I resented the ones here who posted that they were beginning to \"see some light\" or something positive along those lines. Here I am almost 7 years later. I still have the pain, I still miss my son with my entire being and I still cry and grieve for him but that does not \"rule\" my life now. I think he would be very happy that I do see beauty again and that I do find peace and enjoyment again. I know that is what I would want for him if I was gone and he was left here. It is a long, hard road that we travel now and we love you and are here for you. Love and hugs...Lynn
Oh my dear. You express what most of us have felt. I wish it were me, not my child. It is just so unfair.
As Joanie said, we get through the best way we can. You do matter. You are loved. Hang in. One day there will be light at the end of the tunnel, and it won\'t be a train!
Love and huge hugs,
Marlene
We have all done the why thing. Why didn\'t I see it why this and why that. I can tell you this stage will pass. I cannot say when but that it will. You know the poster of the cat hanging by his claws from a tree branch. That is how this life now feels. I do hope this passes soon, this is a life long journey of ups and downs, rocks and hills. You WILL find you way, have faith in that.
Tight hugs Penny
You are feeling the way I know I have felt for so long and I know many others moms have as well...why my child and not me???
Hugs.
Marylou
I have asked those same questions and we never really get any answers. I still wonder and ask why was it my son and not me. My son had his whole life ahead of him. This is such a terrible hard journey. I still fall and just have to make myself get up. Much love and peace being sent to you My Friend....Nell
I have no answers, but lots of understanding. I have felt all of those things and still do, most of the time. I am so sorry, for your pain...
((((HUGS))))....Julia