paralyzed by the pain

I am sitting here..crying and falling apart once again today...for like the millionth time.  I've been trying to figure out what all this is about this weekend. 

I think part of it is because the anger is fading...and OH shit, I still love him.  Well, I knew I still loved him but I was very angry.  I think that maybe the anger is fading a little and I am beginning to realize what I have done. 

And the one person I have had to turn to for all these years has been him...and now I have no one. It's finally setting in that I have no one and I have fucked up my life so badly. 

Why did the alcohol have to be stronger than loving me?  and why couldn't I just put up with it?  And why do I have to be the one that is lonely and crying while he's out having a blast?  I know I need to go re-read my journals and remember how bad things were...  right now I feel like I've made a huge mistake. 

I have come to rely on friends here in times of need.  I get that this is anonymous support..but you do build relationships.  Recently Bridgie101 left..no goodbye, no explanation.  I had come to rely heavily on her counsel.  There are a couple others I rely on here.  If you are reading this, think twice before just deleting your account and leaving.  You may not think you will be missed...but you never know how one kind word you have given may have helped someone else, or how deeply your absence may hurt someone that was your friend.