"Out of the Darkness" Wa;l

Saturday I participated in the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention's "Out of the Darkness" walk to raise awareness and funds. I had been planning for it for several months, truly I don't even remember when I first joined up. Those first few weeks and months are a but fuzzy now. I detailed much in my blog, but I am flying high on such a positive momentum I don't feel it would be helpful for me to go back and read those early entries at this time. I feel somehow surrounded by a sense of calm and comfort, like an invisible blanket that I just know is a gift from Cassi.
I know she is with me. I have not had any concrete signs, it's just a feeling I have. Reflecting back over this year, which is almost over, is difficult. Truly the worst year of my life...never thought I would survive what I have survived, but here I am.
This line of thought brings me guilt. I know Cassi wants me to be okay, maybe even happy at times. I think about all the changes in my life that have occurred as a direct or indirect result of losing her...and I would give it all up in a heartbeat to have her back here with me. However, knowing that is not possible, I have to choose, every day, to consider the gifts in my life that followed the loss of my child and believe they are from her...even in the worst of times, she loved me so much and wanted me happy. 
I hated my old job. I worked for 15 years in a career that didn't just not make me happy, that made me miserable..but 15 years in, with good pay and benefits, I am not sure I would ever have had the courage to leave it if not forced to. Following the tragedy, it simply wasn't possible for me to return to that toxic environment. Those months I sat at home, working through my deepest grief, I realized that the money was not nearly as important as I thought it was. My priorities were off...I blew massive amounts of the money I earned buying things I didn't need to compensate for the misery of my job. Losing Cassi made me realize what really mattered. I wish I would have come to that understanding while my baby was here, but I didn't. Being unemployed and therefore having nothing to lose I was able to consider other jobs...and I found one that changed everything.
All those months...facing my pain, crying every single day, writing, writing, writing...stepping stones to a better tomorrow. I wouldn't have believed it at the time, I couldn't, but things really are better now. I still feel twinges of guilt, stabs of sorrow...and I know I have a long way to go, but I can now see that I have moved forward, and if that is possible, then I can keep moving forward.
I don't want to sound like Pollyanna...as I said, I know I have many sad days to come. I haven't been through the Christmas season without my child, I haven't faced the anniversary of her death. Hard times ahead, but my goodness...looking back, briefly, on that first week, when I just wanted to wake up from the nightmare, when I felt I couldn't bear the pain...I have seen hard days, the hardest days...I feel like I have the strength to face what comes. 
For new mothers on this journey, I want to offer some advice...I have a LOT to offer, yet the most powerful advice I can offer is simply this...always remember, one day, one hour, one second at a time. When you feel overwhelmed and certain you can't survive without your child, remember, nothing in the future is guaranteed anyway. You don't have to plan out a life devoid of happiness...just get through the moment. Also this, find some way to help another person. Believe it or not, there is always someone worse off than you. Take all that love you are filled with for your child and give it away to others to honor your child. You will get back so much more than you give...and make the world a better place in the process. So just keep on keeping on, one foot ahead of the other, eyes wide open for winks, your broken heart bleeding love onto all those you come in contact with...make your life count...it is the best gift you can give your child.