ONE YEAR
Yesterday, May 9th was my sister and my nieces birthday, mother and daughter. They didn't want to celebrate because Jackie decided to leave us today, May 10th. But I made them dinner, (I live with my sister), and my niece lives on the same floor as us. I tried to stay busy. Later on I tried to think "What was Jackie and I doing one year ago, on the last day of her life. I couldn't remember, all I could remember was that I didn't go out with her when she asked me to and then all the panic I was feeling when she didn't answer my texts.
One year ago today at 3:30 in the morning my beautiful, wonderful, loving daughter took her life. She shot herself in the head in her car. When i got there the ambulance was there already and I was running down the block screaming "is she alive", my husband told me that she was shot. She was shot? I just went numb, truly, i felt like my mind and body just shut down. I didn't even cry. I knew what she did. We followed the ambulance to the hospital and all my family and friends showed up to be with us and still i couldn't speak. My son and sister handled everything. I wasn't even with her when they let her go. Eveyone thought I shouldn't see her that way. Her time of death was 4:00 this afternoon.
Today, my son took off from work , he surpised me and took me to the cemetary. In the car I said to my son and sister, as I always do, I hope that someone else comes to visit Jackie, not just her family. As we were ready to leave, I was still at Jackie's grave, a young boy stopped my sister and asked her if she knew where stone number 402 was. As I was walking back to the car, My sister asked me what Jackie's stone number was, she thought it might help the young couple. I told her 402, she started running after the kids, turned out it was Jackie they were looking for. It was one of her friends I never met but knew about. OMG, we just broke down. I was so grateful to know that she is still remembered. On this day more than any day, I needed to know that she is not forgotten. We just held each other and cried and I thanked her so much for coming.
I know my life will never, ever be the same. I miss Jackie so much, and I will always have my regrets and whys, that will never leave me. But being on this site I have learned that it eventually will get a little easier as time passes. And now mother's day is Sun. I can't be angry with her, because she knew what this would do to me and did it anyway, so I know she wasn't in her right mind.
I pray that my child is resting peacefully with her family and that all my loved ones are taking good care of her. I will live with this heartache forever. I know I have to go on and I am trying. The emptiness in my heart will never be filled.
I know its been a while since I have been on and I am sorry for that. I do read the journals from time to time but sometimes I can't respond because I can't find the right words. No mother should every had to carry this burdeon. Nothing can be as horrible as the loss of a child. But, I find so much comfort from all of you. You all do give me strength. I love you all, Gail
One year ago today at 3:30 in the morning my beautiful, wonderful, loving daughter took her life. She shot herself in the head in her car. When i got there the ambulance was there already and I was running down the block screaming "is she alive", my husband told me that she was shot. She was shot? I just went numb, truly, i felt like my mind and body just shut down. I didn't even cry. I knew what she did. We followed the ambulance to the hospital and all my family and friends showed up to be with us and still i couldn't speak. My son and sister handled everything. I wasn't even with her when they let her go. Eveyone thought I shouldn't see her that way. Her time of death was 4:00 this afternoon.
Today, my son took off from work , he surpised me and took me to the cemetary. In the car I said to my son and sister, as I always do, I hope that someone else comes to visit Jackie, not just her family. As we were ready to leave, I was still at Jackie's grave, a young boy stopped my sister and asked her if she knew where stone number 402 was. As I was walking back to the car, My sister asked me what Jackie's stone number was, she thought it might help the young couple. I told her 402, she started running after the kids, turned out it was Jackie they were looking for. It was one of her friends I never met but knew about. OMG, we just broke down. I was so grateful to know that she is still remembered. On this day more than any day, I needed to know that she is not forgotten. We just held each other and cried and I thanked her so much for coming.
I know my life will never, ever be the same. I miss Jackie so much, and I will always have my regrets and whys, that will never leave me. But being on this site I have learned that it eventually will get a little easier as time passes. And now mother's day is Sun. I can't be angry with her, because she knew what this would do to me and did it anyway, so I know she wasn't in her right mind.
I pray that my child is resting peacefully with her family and that all my loved ones are taking good care of her. I will live with this heartache forever. I know I have to go on and I am trying. The emptiness in my heart will never be filled.
I know its been a while since I have been on and I am sorry for that. I do read the journals from time to time but sometimes I can't respond because I can't find the right words. No mother should every had to carry this burdeon. Nothing can be as horrible as the loss of a child. But, I find so much comfort from all of you. You all do give me strength. I love you all, Gail
Replies
Gentle heart hugs from me to you....
Thank you for sharing your heart with us so openly, I know it can be SO hard. Like you, I\'m always wondering if anyone ever visits Kala\'s grave site besides me. Sometimes, totally out of the blue my path will cross with some who shares that they do.....makes my heart swell in appreciation. I\'m glad you were able to see for yourself the kindness of Jackie\'s friends as they were visiting her. So, so special to our hearts.
In my way of honoring your incredible daughter, I take a moment to pause, close my eyes, see her in my mind, and say her name out loud.....
JACKIE! JACKIE! JACKIE!
Peace and love to you sweet friend on this very difficult day~~Teri.
You CAN be angry at her, at some point; it\'s normal and healthy and if you have a good grief counselor you\'ll find this out as you go along. You\'re ALLOWED, even though we KNOW that our daughters were not rational, were not responsible for their actions, were in great mental torment: ANGER is OK, it WILL PASS and she will UNDERSTAND. This is a hard day. This is one of the hardest days in your life, second only to that day one year ago. I keep you in my prayers daily.
jill
Gail anniversaries are so hard, especially the first one. I wish you peace in your heart on this day. How wonderful that Jackie\'s friend remembered the day.
Jason died from a gun shot to the head also. I\'m not angry with him either. He was not in his right mind either, I know this is true. The police found Jason and I did not see him and I\'m thankful for that. When I think of him now I think of him smiling. It was right that your family didn\'t want you to see Jackie.
Jackie is with family and loved ones that have passed as is Jason and we both will be with them some day too.
Terry
I send my love and prayers...I also love when someone visits my Morgan..it helps my heart fill a little lighter... they leave flowers or a note,,I;ve found little trinkets, peace to your heart ...((hugs))
First year anniversaries are totally unbelievable..I am almost a 4th and at times I don\'t believe it..I am caught up in a nightmare.. this can\'t possibly be true... but it is...
I also love it when someone talks about Jenn, and remembers her.
Hugs dear friend on this day ... MaryLou
Jackie...Jackie...Jackie...I say her name....I know it seems like it has been an eternity one time...and a blink of an eye another time...I know you wondered if you would make it a year...and here you are...you did it. What a gift to know that someone visits her...she knew you needed to know that there were other people coming...that was a wink from her...love and hugs...Karen
Anniversaries are so hard - bring back all those what ifs and if onlys...not that they ever really go away, of course. But how uplifting to to see a friend of Jackie\'s and know that she is remembered by not only you on this day. We can never make sense or get over our loss, I think - but we do learn to live with it and move forward slowly. Be kind to yourself at this time ~ Joanna x
Thinking of Jackie and of each of you that loves her so. These tender days come and go and somehow each of us moves through them as best as we are able. That is what you are doing.
An abundance of comfort to your healing mother\'s heart this day and in the ones ahead.
Hugs and love,
Joanie
Gail, I didn\'t realize that Jackie\'s first angel date had just passed. I am so very sorry as i know how hard these dates are. How touching to know your daughter was remembered. It means so much doesn\'t it? I know Jackie never meant to hurt you. She just wanted the pain to stop and it has...just trust and know God loves her. Tightest of hugs and love, Linda, Ed\'s mom