MyEarly Departure
Sigh...okay, I am a GREAT BIG CHICKEN...I left the retreat early. As a matter od fact I left late the first night.
As our Meet and Greet was winding down I started feeling the anxiety coursing through my veins...not good. It just so happened that at the right time my husband texted me and asked me how I was and I told him. What preceded was text after text that I needed to come home and it sounded completely warm and fuzzy and right. I held my ground for a while...but later in the night I was feeling particularly vulnerable... so I left. Being so close to home made it easy and that much more tempting.
I missed out on SO MUCH!!! I met so many wonderful Moms, who I knew on the most personal level yet met for the first time...very surreal. Most of the Moms were incredibly warm, welcoming and actually were as excited to meet me as much as I was to meet them.
Maybe I am just not ready to have fun yet. I THINK about great things to do but when push comes to shove I can't quite pull the trigger. FUN = CASSI...she was my P.I.C. and everything I did with her was absolute bliss. She was so much fun and so funny. She had an arrogant, sarcastic, biting wit...even lying on her bed watching marathon sessions of Buffy were some of the best times of my life.
I hear/have heard, over and over again, I must move on, find myself and a life for myself but I just can't do it now. It hasn't been two years yet; I had 22 1/2 years to nurture my relationship with my child.
I'm just really sad, always...and I can't fake it. The thought of having fun just makes me feel guilty. That might ease in time, but not in THIS time.
Sooooo, I'm really sorry I bailed and I hope no one is angry or disappointed in me. I just need more time. I have never been a social butterfly but I just know I can do better in time. As of right now, I did the best I could...I just wish I could have done more!!!
Sigh...I can always try again next year, right??? Maybe being too far from home will be a good thing for me because it will be impossible to run away!!! One can only dream...
As our Meet and Greet was winding down I started feeling the anxiety coursing through my veins...not good. It just so happened that at the right time my husband texted me and asked me how I was and I told him. What preceded was text after text that I needed to come home and it sounded completely warm and fuzzy and right. I held my ground for a while...but later in the night I was feeling particularly vulnerable... so I left. Being so close to home made it easy and that much more tempting.
I missed out on SO MUCH!!! I met so many wonderful Moms, who I knew on the most personal level yet met for the first time...very surreal. Most of the Moms were incredibly warm, welcoming and actually were as excited to meet me as much as I was to meet them.
Maybe I am just not ready to have fun yet. I THINK about great things to do but when push comes to shove I can't quite pull the trigger. FUN = CASSI...she was my P.I.C. and everything I did with her was absolute bliss. She was so much fun and so funny. She had an arrogant, sarcastic, biting wit...even lying on her bed watching marathon sessions of Buffy were some of the best times of my life.
I hear/have heard, over and over again, I must move on, find myself and a life for myself but I just can't do it now. It hasn't been two years yet; I had 22 1/2 years to nurture my relationship with my child.
I'm just really sad, always...and I can't fake it. The thought of having fun just makes me feel guilty. That might ease in time, but not in THIS time.
Sooooo, I'm really sorry I bailed and I hope no one is angry or disappointed in me. I just need more time. I have never been a social butterfly but I just know I can do better in time. As of right now, I did the best I could...I just wish I could have done more!!!
Sigh...I can always try again next year, right??? Maybe being too far from home will be a good thing for me because it will be impossible to run away!!! One can only dream...
Replies
Oh Gina, absolutely no one is at all angry or disappointed in you in any way whatsoever.
You needed to be yourself, honor your feelings and do what was right for YOU.
Your are where you need to be at this moment in time. Although we are all on this same path of child loss, all of our journeys are unique and in different places.
So please don\'t feel bad. It was a pleasure to meet you and we had good conversation. You are a beautiful, sweet and dear woman and I am glad to have had the opportunity to meet you in person.
So remember you are definitely not a chicken but a warrior who has the strength to do what is necessary for your healing and well being!
Take care dear friend, breathe and be true to YOU, as you take that one step and one day at a time.
Love and tightest of hugs,
Diane
Oh my dear Gina. I don\'t believe you are a chicken at all. You came and went home when you needed to. That is okay by me. You are brave to have come and participate! We are not angry or disappointed. Okay, I was sorry you needed to leave but I totally understand. I am just so glad that I was able to meet you and give you a hug or 3! The reading you did was wonderful and brought many of us to tears as we could relate. Thank you for sharing that.
We all heal in our own time, in our own way.
You said you were not a social butterfly. Actually, believe it or not, neither am I - unless I have had a wee bit too much wine and feel safe (that was the case on Friday night).
This journey is not easy. It is filled with potholes and roadblocks. I am thankful every day for the moms here who understand and care.
I am looking forward to seeing you at next year\'s retreat.
Love and tight hugs, Marlene
You did the kindest thing you could have done... You took care of yourself and there is no one who understands this more than your sisters of the heart.
I hope that you will look at your courage in attending, staying for as long as you could and know that you absolutely 100% did your best.
Each of our timelines are so very unique and what matters the most in this situation is that you honored yourself and your feelings.
Please do not carry any heaviness around this as that is the very LAST thing that any of us want you to do. It sounds as if you got in some wonderful hugs, had some time and you know what... It was all that you needed for this time around.
Continue to take the best care of yourself that you can and by making that decision of when you needed to leave I know that you are.
Loving care to you and no chickens here! Warrior women are what I SEE and feel and you are most certainly among them.
XO Joanie
Gina, I understand your feelings, but I wish you could have stuck it out. Our fellow Moms have such a wealth of insight as we travel this path. There is next year for sure. Be well and hope you have some peace, Kathy
So sorry you felt uncomfortable. I believe you did the right thing taking care of yourself. I\'m very sure no one is angry about it.
Sending big hugs,
Terry
Bless you sweet Gina...you came to the retreat and that is awesome! No worries about how long you stayed. I am so glad that I got to meet you. I loved the touching poem that you read...so powerful!
I remember how hard my first retreat was too...it seemed impossible to be across the country (San Diego) with a group of strangers BECAUSE .I had lost a chikd. Most of us were new to grief...so there were not as much happiness as there is now. But my hope is that you see that in time joy can return. I know it seems impossible now...in time! Your time. :-) gentle hugs love to you.
No matter how long you stayed, you took that first leap of faith and actually went to the retreat - that\'s brave in it\'s self. Better than I have ever managed to do! Then you had the strength to take care of yourself - and we all need to do that:) You take care ~ Joanna x
You are not a chicken, it took a lot of courage to get up and read that touching poem as you did. We all take baby steps on this journey and you took the ones you needed. Do not judge yourself. It was a pleasure meeting you and enjoyed our decorating time! Xo
It\'s ok Gina, you did what was right for you at the time. You are still very early on this journey of loss. You coming at all was a huge step towards healing for yourself. We had another mom who left after the 1st day of the retreat last year. You weren\'t the 1st & won\'t be the last.
Sweet friend....no one is angry or disappointed in you. We understand....we truly do. I must say as some of the other moms have already said, the poem you read at the Meet & Greet was so profound. No matter where we all are on our journey, we needed to hear that. Thank you from the bottom of my heart!
Be gentle with yourself & patient. What you are doing or not doing is what is good for you. Giving you extra tight hugs dear sister of the heart....Vicki
Two years is such a short time with this awful grief. I couldn\'t go either, so soon after. My son is gone 5 years now, and I am doing better. It\'s no one\'s business how long we shall grieve. We do the best that we can.
I\'m glad you got to meet some of our sisters of the heart, we are quite a group and sometimes, too loud and too active. I went to the retreat a year ago, and sometimes couldn\'t do the activities and had to stay in my room. We know what we need. As Joanie says, it\'s important to take good care of ourselves. No one can do this for us.
I hope to meet you at sometime in the future. Our love for our children never dies, it\'s always part of our DNA now. They reside in us. It is so sad. Love, abby
This is your road to walk. It can never be compared to anyone else\'s journey and most certainly not to anyone else\'s timeline. We recover at our own pace. The more we try to \"live again\" or move on...( my personal favorite ignorant comment ), the slower it happens. Be kind to yourself Gina...
When I went to my first retreat in Gatlinburg in 2010 Clinton had only been gone 3 years. It was extremely hard for me and like you, I couldn\'t believe that there was actually times when we could \"have fun\". Lots of the ladies stayed until Monday, but I left pretty early Sunday morning because I just couldn\'t hold it together any longer. That was okay and I did come away with lots of positive re-enforcement, but I just needed time to myself to process it. I spent more time down in my room instead of hanging with the others because I just didn\'t \"have my footing\" yet. I came home with love and lessons from that retreat though and that is how we all grow and learn to adjust to our new \"BEing\". You are not a coward, you are not a a chicken, you are not anything negative. You are a Mother who has lost her most precious gift and you have to learn to live with that at whatever pace it takes. Just remember that we understand what it is like to lose a beloved child and we love you and support you in your journey with whatever twists and turns it takes...Lynn
Gina, it was such a pleasure meeting you. You were very brave to read your beautiful poem. You did exactly what you needed to do. ((((Hugs)))
I\'m glad I got to meet you, Gina, even though I wasn\'t doing too great myself at the time. I met & talked to so many women who understood how I was feeling.
Their empathy & your reading are 2 things I took home with me from this retreat. They are both things I\'ll always remember.
Thanks for being brave enough to read something that must have been truly difficult for you...
Hugs,
Donna
Gina, can you post your poem for those of us who could not attend this year? It sounds like it would be helpful to all of us. Peace, Kathy