MyEarly Departure
Sigh...okay, I am a GREAT BIG CHICKEN...I left the retreat early. As a matter od fact I left late the first night.
As our Meet and Greet was winding down I started feeling the anxiety coursing through my veins...not good. It just so happened that at the right time my husband texted me and asked me how I was and I told him. What preceded was text after text that I needed to come home and it sounded completely warm and fuzzy and right. I held my ground for a while...but later in the night I was feeling particularly vulnerable... so I left. Being so close to home made it easy and that much more tempting.
I missed out on SO MUCH!!! I met so many wonderful Moms, who I knew on the most personal level yet met for the first time...very surreal. Most of the Moms were incredibly warm, welcoming and actually were as excited to meet me as much as I was to meet them.
Maybe I am just not ready to have fun yet. I THINK about great things to do but when push comes to shove I can't quite pull the trigger. FUN = CASSI...she was my P.I.C. and everything I did with her was absolute bliss. She was so much fun and so funny. She had an arrogant, sarcastic, biting wit...even lying on her bed watching marathon sessions of Buffy were some of the best times of my life.
I hear/have heard, over and over again, I must move on, find myself and a life for myself but I just can't do it now. It hasn't been two years yet; I had 22 1/2 years to nurture my relationship with my child.
I'm just really sad, always...and I can't fake it. The thought of having fun just makes me feel guilty. That might ease in time, but not in THIS time.
Sooooo, I'm really sorry I bailed and I hope no one is angry or disappointed in me. I just need more time. I have never been a social butterfly but I just know I can do better in time. As of right now, I did the best I could...I just wish I could have done more!!!
Sigh...I can always try again next year, right??? Maybe being too far from home will be a good thing for me because it will be impossible to run away!!! One can only dream...
As our Meet and Greet was winding down I started feeling the anxiety coursing through my veins...not good. It just so happened that at the right time my husband texted me and asked me how I was and I told him. What preceded was text after text that I needed to come home and it sounded completely warm and fuzzy and right. I held my ground for a while...but later in the night I was feeling particularly vulnerable... so I left. Being so close to home made it easy and that much more tempting.
I missed out on SO MUCH!!! I met so many wonderful Moms, who I knew on the most personal level yet met for the first time...very surreal. Most of the Moms were incredibly warm, welcoming and actually were as excited to meet me as much as I was to meet them.
Maybe I am just not ready to have fun yet. I THINK about great things to do but when push comes to shove I can't quite pull the trigger. FUN = CASSI...she was my P.I.C. and everything I did with her was absolute bliss. She was so much fun and so funny. She had an arrogant, sarcastic, biting wit...even lying on her bed watching marathon sessions of Buffy were some of the best times of my life.
I hear/have heard, over and over again, I must move on, find myself and a life for myself but I just can't do it now. It hasn't been two years yet; I had 22 1/2 years to nurture my relationship with my child.
I'm just really sad, always...and I can't fake it. The thought of having fun just makes me feel guilty. That might ease in time, but not in THIS time.
Sooooo, I'm really sorry I bailed and I hope no one is angry or disappointed in me. I just need more time. I have never been a social butterfly but I just know I can do better in time. As of right now, I did the best I could...I just wish I could have done more!!!
Sigh...I can always try again next year, right??? Maybe being too far from home will be a good thing for me because it will be impossible to run away!!! One can only dream...
Replies
It is called \"You Are The Mother Of All Mothers\" by Angela Miller. I will post it on a new Journal entry.
I was SOOOO proud of you! For being there, for the reading the poem, AND for knowing you needed to go home and doing just that!!!
The poem touched me deeply. It was just what I needed to hear. Not so much for Kala, but for Torrey. Thank you!
Love you!
Love to Cassi!
Looking back at the past six years now, I realize there was no way I could have gone to the retreats - not only emotionally and spiritually, but also physically. I was not ready and my body was not willing. I think you were brave enough to take care of yourself and that was most important. Early grief is so devastating and time consuming! Sending you love and can\'t wait to read the poem, Leda
Gina, I\'ve been to two FMO retreats and I go to the workshops & then retreat to my room for the night to be with my husband but mostly to be with my thoughts. I don\'t go on the tours of the area with the other moms. Not because I don\'t adore them & enjoy their company but because for me, I just want to absorb all I have learned. I really enjoyed the meet & greets & guest speakers but then I need to be by myself. And all the other moms are so accepting of what any of us need to do to heal. We can cry, laugh, interact or not. We all love and accept each other. We know each person\'s journey is unique.
You are loved and accepted. Love you sister and beautiful mom of precious Cassi! Linda
I wasn\'t mad or disappointed. I was sad for you but I totally agree... you did the best you could at this time. As you said there will be other retreats. I imagine your husband was just so scared for you. I tend to \'mother\' Richard. Heaven help him... I get anxious if he\'s a few minutes late. I think when we lose a close loved one it makes us even more fearful about everything... It certainly has me. I often comment that losing close loved ones impacts us all... I am certainly not who I was... I don\'t expect to ever be again... and that has to have an effect on the people who love and worry about us. Maybe the next retreat your husband will come with you. I hope its good for the husbands to see that their wives are not abnormal... not deliberately choosing to have their lives and everything they do affected by this grief... that we are all doing the best we can at the time. Two years is so short a time... I think I might be one to push... Ignore me as you need... I have this compulsion to \'fix\' things... Some, maybe lots of things can\'t be \'fixed\'. We are going to each one of us find our way as we can... I do hope I can be part of the healing just by being here for you. Hugs Elissa
I was 3 years in before I went to a retreat. My girlfriend came with me. I loved meeting the people who were helping me along my path. For me I do not like to be alone all the time, my mind will wonder and I do not want it to find a dark place to hide. I made it through it was in NC ( I could not run home) I found many resources to help me . You did so well reading that poem, It was a real honor to met you. The poem is so moving I cried.
I hope you are not so hard on yourself anymore.
Hugs Penny
Not mad at all. Proud of you yes. We are all sisters and understand the grief. You are like myself by losing our only child. The first retreat was the hardest. Scary. When I met those mom\'s in Charleston I felt a bond like no other. People that truly knew how I felt. Gina I enjoyed meeting you and talking about your Cassi and Josh. So many things in common they had. Just know we are all here for you dear friend.