My Hippy Therepist
The TDoc today asked if I have ever done some drugs and that I should try marijuana and maybe some acid. She said it would calm me out as I am always stressed by my depression and PTSD. A bit odd and rattling. But she wants me to look into Ketamin therapy. As anyone tried this? I am very straight and narrow and eschew drugs whenever possible, even though now I take nine different each day now. But she made it sound like you go on a trip in a dark room. Need some experiences.
Replies
I honestly have never taken and drugs, except for my prescribed meds. I would not even know where to buy weed. I don't have a "weed guy".
Acid, I heard stays in your brain and you can get "bad trips". I don't need any more bad trips in my brain right now.
I have heard of micro dosing as therapy. I would only do that stuff in a controlled environment.
The environment is controlled. Doc overseeing while receiving ketamine. You do it in a room with a camera.
I don't know. I am not sure I am that sick or I am. I am just turned out and confused. Need to think about this.
You never know. It could help.
My TDoc, I think, is stepping over the line a bit. A few sessions ago, in the end, she brought up her political views which she could guess were the opposite of mine. I think she wanted to get an insiders view some events and how some operations are handled (nothing classified of course). In the next session, it was the same thing. I think politics do not belong there. Then there is the advocacy for the use recreational drugs which in my state are illegal. Probably innocent, but it puts me in a weird place. I do like that I can email her and I do from time to time which I do enjoy a lot. So in balance, it is a good but a little strange in places. I guess my help comes with a side of weird.
I think maybe this Tdoc is not the right fit for you and maybe you should try another one. Her treatment practices are more than a bit odd, you don't seem to have the same views on many subjects and you don't seem to have jelled with her. I don't see you putting your "trust" in her and building the kind of needed relationship with her that it will take for her to really help you. She should be taking cues from you on what to open up about, what you need to talk about and be helped working through and she seems to be doing a lot of pushing in her directions.....its not really how Therapy is supposed to work.
With your past expertise and knowledge I would not in a million years let someone "drug me in a dark room with a camera".... say that outloud to yourself a few times....does it sound anywhere near right?? Even if it does, she's jumped way far ahead on the "developing a trustful relationship" scale and seems to just want to see what her "Super Tdoc Powers" can get her.
Sorry if this is too direct, but its my honest opinion.
Take care.
I would worry about LSD. Weed, not sure. I don't like smoking or having smoke in my lungs. Some people like weed though.
I think Older nailed it. The focus of therapy is the client, not the therapist or politics. I would wonder if she is a drug user, or just wants to try something new and experimental. Hmmm, add drugs that will alter your thinking so I can deal with someone not in their right mind. Doesn't make sense to me. Hugs.
Just did a little research. Effects if effective will last up to a week, and long term use is not recommended. It is for depression only. Didn't pursue to find out about interactions with other meds in your system. PTSD has depression and anxiety as it's traveling companions. If you were only dealing with depression, this might be a short term solution. The fact that the base is the PTSD would leave that untreated. I would see it as treating a symptom versus the disease. Then again, with short term relief from the depression, you might be able to do more work on the PTSD. Yours to sort my friend. Hugs along the way.
The base is also Bipolar. I have been without mania for about four months, but I fear that one is on the horizon.
Do I need to gel with the TDoc? I need to drag me into the sunlight. Right now, I am at the wall of guilt and shame. I caused an innocents life to change, and she must live with that for her entire life (my wife is the person). I can not give myself grace with the devastation I have caused. I need the TDoc to keep banging away. I need one as stubborn as I am. I need her to force that deep emotional response that I fear. I can deal with the politics, I guess. With the election coming up, I think I will need to say something. I am already on nine different drugs. That is enough.
The thought the Ketamine thing through. You' all are right. Drugging me into some alternate consciousness doesn't sound like a good idea. If I get to the point of lowering my defenses, it will come flooding out. I'll end up restrained and hospitalized. I can't hide the guilt.
Big issue here....Tdocs are not actual Dr.'s, I know, I technically still am one, although I don't practice any longer...my Ph.d did not allow me the legality of handling meds and patients in any form of the word. So she's suggesting practices that she's legally not allowed to do. Your Pdoc would be the one administering any medical therapies in any form. Your Tdoc is advising you to "drop acid".....ummm I've been in this field either as a Professional or a Patient for the last 30 years.....and can honestly say I've never heard that come out of someone's mouth before.
Ketamine is a large animal tranquilizer that made it's way into Human Anesthesiology Medicine. Its new to Mental Health Treatment and is used for Depression Treatment in incredibly small doses. The treatment she's describing doesn't come close to what the FDA has cleared Ketamine for. And it has a lot of side effects that are long lasting and I would imagine would have a large impact on your particular job.
As for your causing your wife's life to change. We all have an impact on the one's we are married to or the children we have, lives. But your wife had a say in that as well, she stayed with you, she didn't have to. Everyone makes choices in life. The things you're going through as a result of BiPolar or PTSD from your years of Service are not things you chose for yourself or things you willingly cast upon other people in your life. Yes you need a good Tdoc to help you understand and work through that, to help you understand that you deserve NO guilt or shame, that you have no fault. Unfortunately the casualties of war extend far beyond the soldiers who go to fight, and that's just reality.
Just be careful Thor. Something about this situation is not right.
OlderCPer -roger on the ketamine. I think taking a trip to help cure my depression sounds more like a temporary escape than a cure. I guess I can't balk too much at taking drugs as I take 9 different each day. There have been a number of studies that long term drug therapies can shorten the life of the patient by years. I guess I am staving off one death now, for something sooner than normal.
The issue with guilt and shame. Hard to make anyone understand without yielding up too much of my privacy. I will say it is an administrative act and involves lawyers looking back at something that happened 20 years ago and overseas. If you knew it would be so stupid and insignificant you would laugh, the TDoc was astounded this happened. It was common practice and still is common practice in the US and around the world, and we were taught this back 20 years ago, but now the rules have changed. But anyway, this sin changed my wife's life and she did not choose this. There is no reason for her to be punished. Good point that she could have left. She almost did when I was involuntarily hospitalized. I didn't want to live and she had had enough. But the sun rose the next day and she came to see me at the first hospital before I was transferred to the military mental hospital. I was sort of the star, subject of gossip and a lot of furtive glances, a very senior officer was in with them. I was strip-searched and then put into suicide clothes... we have all been there. But back to the guilt. I can not make the jump from guilt to grace. I do not know how to find that. Even if she forgives me I still can not forgive myself. The TDoc said that I am on duty with a large pack that I refuse to set down. She said eventually you need to stop your watch and set the pack down. I do not know how to do that. The change in mine and her life is too much. This depression washes out everything. I have the PTSD hallucinations but that is just about the only thing to make it through my guilt.
Thanks for your help. My postings are mainly for me as I work out on paper what is going on and I tend to be very vulnerable on paper.
Thor, we all have things for which we wish we could have a do over. Guilt is about my having done THIS; shame is about MY doing this. The former can have a consequence that we can deal with and becomes a fact of our past. The latter is about me, and so remains a source of so many negative feelings towards oneself. Kurtz has written on these, concluding that the only way out of shame is to share it. Each retelling removes more and more of the power that it holds over us. Do you need to post it here? N0. Do you need to share it with someone, and then another in real time? Yes if you are to heal. Will it be painful? Of course, but each retelling reduces the power. Sin is an archery term for missing the mark/target. We all miss the mark at times; pro bowlers rarely roll 300 games; the best batters still get striked out. Good men have a target to strive for. They are the ones who feel badly for missing it. By the way, it is not a jump, but a step by step journey.
Points of your post: A fact of the past, and retelling. Thank you. But, I am not thereby a longshot. I need to tell my PDoc this in 90 min from now (appointment); I am dreading the retelling of this again... shame, guilt, scorn. The last retelling was at the tail end of a session and just confessed everything to her. I don't know if I can tell this story again and walk out and just drive home. The telling should kill me outright. I can not put this load down. The shame and guilt are now apart of me. The old me was blown away with the event, and I have nothing to anchor myself to. I can not square grace with the effect. I am very profoundly suicidal now. Put the load down and let others go on without me. There is no way to forgive me. I deserve everything that I get. How do I get to grace knowing my sins?
I'm not sure its grace you get to.....its forgiveness. Forgiveness is not to excuse or belay the enormity of a sin, it's not to brush it away as if it never happened. Forgiveness is to accept that it happened, that you do your best everyday to get up and not let something like that ever happen again and you do your best to care for and love the ones you hurt. Forgiveness is the thing that allows you to keep going each day.
As Simpson said we've all done things we wish we could undo, go back in time somehow and never have to face again....my heavy suicidal depression stage hit during the the time my sons were children for years between the ages of 3 and 18, my oldest son can recount every single suicide attempt,, 4 of them, he lived through the worst of my BiPolar, his younger brother got it a little easier coming 9 yrs. later. We do things that hurt and damage and mark the people we love the most.....and not by choice. And all we can do afterwards is pick up the pieces and try to limit the damage, try to make sure our "victims" are taken care of as well, and grant our selves forgiveness for that which we did not plan or intend to do. This disease is a monster and it does its best to ravish families.....and friends. Whether it wins or not, is whether you let it.