"Mourning" Sickness
Well, I got an awesome job, a new house...and I am still a blubbering mess. I don't know what to do. I have suffered and searched...trying to find something to make sense of this tragedy. Nothing has helped for long. I have the flu...possibly picked up a bug from clients, I was practically homebound for 7 months...Weak physically, emotionally, mentally...I am sure my natural defenses are just weak as well and I will get sick easier than I once would have.
I am desperate...Could I please get some advice...no cliche's just real advice...simple advice, step 1, 2 and 3 to keep going because frankly it isn't something I want to do. Not that I can't, I just don't want to. I want Cassi back and that isn't possible in the way I want...I want the pain to ease damnit...I am so tired of fighting it.
I am desperate...Could I please get some advice...no cliche's just real advice...simple advice, step 1, 2 and 3 to keep going because frankly it isn't something I want to do. Not that I can't, I just don't want to. I want Cassi back and that isn't possible in the way I want...I want the pain to ease damnit...I am so tired of fighting it.
Replies
Not to sound negative, but there is no easy way. It is one day of struggle at a time. There were 2 things that I made myself keep foremost in my mind. The first was that if I had died and my son was left, would I want him to just stay miserable and not fight to get back to the place where I could see that there was still good things in life. I had to tell myself that I would try my hardest to live my life so that he would be proud of me. The other thing that I told/tell myself is that I never know when I might be able to \"string words together\" that connects to another hurting person that will give them the encouragement that they need for that time. I know I have had that happen for me and it would help so much and I hope that I can be even a little \"light\" into someone else\'s struggle with darkness. When I first came to this site I didn\'t believe that I would ever come to the place some of the other Mother\'s were seeming to get to, but I kept fighting and leaning on them and it is working. We love you, we understand you and you never know when you might just say the words or share an experience that will touch another hurting Mother\'s heart. Love and hugs to you and your sweet Cassi!!!!!!!
Oh Honey, I know...take it from me I am only 2 years into this journey and I feel like that not as often as i did the first year. But I guess all I can say is feel it, cry a lot and keep on going our kids would not want us to join them until we are ready SO we have to live ....I hope that helps!!Gretcho
First of all when you are sick you are very vulnerable and down so I\'m sorry you caught the bug, yet not surprised. I used to have an immune system built of steel because of being a teacher and working in a hospital, yet after the loss of Douglas I found that I was a \"bug magnet\" and catching everything. Please be patient with yourself with this as it does go hand in hand.
You must keep going because you have no choice but to. If you cannot do it for yourself you are doing it for your husband, your family and friends who need you to BE here. When I was at my lowest of low knowing that I still had family who needed me kept me here.
I feel as if your expectations of yourself are way too high. These first few years are as bumpy a roller coaster ride as they get and somewhere in there it begins to level off so that each of us can learn how to continue living while carrying the reality of the losses of our children. I\'m not sure how any of it does happen, yet it does and it will for you as well. The moms a few steps further along kept reminding me of this and I never believed it would be true for me, yet it was. They were my tiny ember and spark of light and hope and kept me breathing and BEing here now.
None of this is a cliche and I hope that you have not experienced much of this here because we receive enough of that on the \"outside.\" Here, where it is real and others walk this with us it must be authentic. I don\'t think any of us have the time or tolerance for anything else.
So... Do what you must to get better and this horrible pain and sorrow is for today yet it won\'t be for a lifetime. None of us are meant to live in acute grief for the rest of our days and you aren\'t either. Please trust... Hold on and most of all get this flu bug behind you so that you continue taking those steps towards healing and well being that you have been so courageously taking.
My hope is that something that is shared today from your sisters of the heart will resonate as you certainly do have a community of caring here.
Loving care and lots of liquids!
XO Joanie
Oh dear Gina, I feel like I \"zombied\" my way through all of my first year and most of my 2nd. I cannot remember feeling like I cared if I lived or died until my 3rd year! Sometimes, I think I am not the best to offer any advice because I had no choices in what I had to do. Being single and paying rent, I had NO CHOICE in this world but to return to work and I did so within a few weeks after my son\'s death. I am not complaining, just stating the facts. So I often do not know how to give any advice to someone who has other choices. All I can say is that there is no \"step 1, 2,3\". Eventually, you should come to realize that when you have the overwhelming waves of grief, you know that a calm will come. It took me a long time to know this! I would go outside at work and sit on the \"wall\" and smoke and think I cannot do this any longer! Eventually, I accepted (and I am one who places GREAT emphasis on ACCEPTANCE), that a calm would follow and I learned to embrace the calm. I know this probably does not make sense! You just keep journaling and talking it out and we will keep walking with you and holding onto you. We are sisters of the heart and not a single one of us is any kind of expert on this! But we are good listeners :-). Love to you and I hope the bug gets out of you soon! Like Joanie said, lots of liquids!
Oh Gina. I wish I had some good, not cliched answers for you. The first year or 2 for me were like being in a hurricane in a canoe. Up and down, twisting and turning. I could go from smiley and happy to the depths in a mere second.
You are ill now and things always look bleakest when you are under the weather. I am sure that your immune system is not used to the barrage of germs you have encountered lately.
I cope now by telling myself that the feelings are temporary. In the meantime, please focus on the good you are doing for others and get well soon.
And as Joanie said \"lots of liquids\".
Love and hugs,
Marlene
Gina, I remember not caring if I lived or died. I remember having many dark thoughts and not wanting to live this life anymore. A life without my only child? Why? To what end?
For me, I just stopped trying to make sense of Ed\'s passing. And even now, though I have somewhat integrated his passing into my life, I still rail against the unfairness and cruelty of life. I go on to honor God and my son with the rest of my life (as best I can). Some days I hope I can help others and some days I need the help. As Belinda said I had to go to work since I only had myself to rely on. How I functioned that first year is still a mystery to me. I even forgot I had animals. I remember once looking at my cat Mittens and saying to no one in particular, \"Oh wow. I have cats\". Thankfully my then BF, now husband fed the cats for me. I made several mistakes when paying bills and probably shouldn\'t have been driving between being so distracted and screaming & crying hysterically each night as I drive home from work. I share all this in the hopes that I can express to you that what your feeling is normal for a grieving, heartbroken mom. And to know that the pain does get easier to bear. Never goes away, but gets manageable.
And slowly love and healing light creep in, smiles and even laughter. I can specifically remember the first time I laughed after Ed died. I remember the time, the place and what made me laugh. Laughing felt so foreign and unrecognizable to me that I even reached up and felt my face like a blind person might. And I was truly blinded by grief.
Just for today, hold onto hope. Your sisters are with you and are close by sharing love and light and healing grace.
Much love to you and precious Cassi, Linda
Gina give yourself a break...be kind to yourself and take care of yourself. If not for yourself than for your husband,family and friends. I can\'t even begin to tell you how I made it through the first year. but I did make it through by just putting one foot in front of the other. There were days I had to fight tooth and nail to get out of bed and do anything but I did. I would set little goals for myself each day, some days I would accomplish them other days I wouldn\'t....didn\'t matter to me either way. The 2nd year was a little better but not much. Not sure how I made to 8 years but I did and if you would have told me in the first few years after Billy left this world I would be where I am today I would have laughed in your face - not possible. But it is possible and it will happen to you too. The changes take place very very very slowly...one step forward 2 steps back...the good days are good at first but the \"bad\" days sucked and continue to. You will learn your own coping skills to get you through every day - everyone\'s are different. There are not any 1,2,3 etc steps that take place and viola you will be ok just doesn\'t happen. You have just started this life long journey...feel what you need to feel...do what you need to do to get through the day. Most important be kind to yourself and don\'t expect too much, when you expect to much you only put more pressure on yourself and that you don\'t need. Let the tears flow - they are very healing. My advice is just to take each day as it comes and do your best with that day and be happy with whatever you may or may not accomplish because remember tomorrow is another 24 hours to get through any way you can. Hugs, Ann
Cassi is at your side on this journey rooting for you to thrive. Being sick is pulling you down, rest, liquids and as you body recovers you will find it a little easier to cope. Remember only one step at a time. Sending you vibes of healing. Love, Kathy
Oh sweetie - I wish I knew what to say. Just ditto everyone else who have replied more eloquently than I can. I truly think it is one day at a time, even though that is a cliche ( sorry ) - and gradually those days tun into weeks and then months. Doesn\'t change a thing that you have suffered through but it does get different as time goes by, if you let it. Hold on tight, Gina and take good care of yourself. Joanna x
I think you are really doing very well as far as working. When I was not feeling to good with a virus or ect. I felt even more down. I could not even think of working. It may be because my son Jesse was murdered and there was a trial and a conviction, I don\'t know, but I had to be put on medication for the trial and could not work for a few years. Be nice to your self, you have gone through so much. HUGS to you, XOX, Debbie
I have no words, to add to what the sisters have already said. I am just at year 3 and I am a mess most of the time. You are still in year one, so don\'t put so much pressure on yourself. It is normal to feel everything you are feeling. Just know that we understand and you do not walk alone...
(((HUGS)))...Julia
Gina, I think I\'m close in time to where you are with losing our children. All I know is what works for me and it\'s still completely a work in progress. For me, I keep really busy with work or chores so the pain doesn\'t debilitate me. The downside with that is that I don\'t sleep enough and am likely to get sick because I am not treating my body the way I should and maybe I\'m only postponing the debilitating grief. It\'s the only way I know how to do it and it works for now. But my guess is that 6 months from now, I may need to do things differently. Listen to your heart. It sounds to me that journalng, moving, and finding a great job have been good for you. But you still have to take care of yourself too. xoxo, Laura
Gina, talk to your baby. I talk to Seth all the time, and I truly believe he answers me. Talk to Cassie. Sometimes I even talk out loud. I tell him I love him, and how much he\'d enjoy some event in my life, about how things are, how much we miss him. I do feel better, especially when these conversations are answered with his number 22, or a special Seth song, or something like that.