More Fucked Up Drama

So I head out to Europe tomorrow. I’m going backpacking. I still cannot believe that this is happening. I’m going with one of my friends. I’m actually extremely excited about the trip, haven’t been this excited about anything probably ever!

So why am I in a bad mood? Well the trip may have surfaced all the accumulating tension between my dad and I which exploded this morning. I spent almost 4 hours crying my eyes out while we were arguing. He made it clear that he doesn’t think this trip is a good idea, he thinks it’s stupid, he hates the fact he’s not in control on this trip, the fact I’m travelling with someone who's not family, and he really hates the fact that I didn’t ask him for any help booking and researching for this trip. While on my work trip two weeks ago, he said something on the family whatsapp group and I didn’t want to respond publically. So I sent a private response. Towards the end, I told him “you don’t like me travelling with my friends, or alone, or whatever it is, so I stopped trying.” And it’s 100000% true. He doesn’t like the fact that I’m going. It doesn’t necessarily mean he’s going to stop me, but he doesn’t like it. How am I supposed to go to him for help or advice when I know that the topic annoys him and gets on his nerve? I do that and then his buttons get pushed and he might not let me go on this trip. Now I know that most people reading this will be like wtf dude you’re 24, you’re an adult; you’re paying for it, why is he interfering? Well that’s not how it goes here. He’s my dad, he gets a say whether I like it or not. His house, his rules and his motherfucking decisions. Unfortunately this is how shit is here and I just have to deal with it.

He said that he felt like he was stabbed in the heart when he read it. I have no idea why. It’s the truth. Anyway, by the end of the conversation, every issue I brought forward seemed to be something that was wrong with me, I was the problem and I’m at fault. Every point I had was turned around so fast it slapped me in the face so hard I couldn’t even focus anymore. It’s like anything that bothered me, I had no right to be bothered by because 1, 2, 3… I don’t know how he did it. Anyway. By the end of the conversation he said that maybe I should consider seeing someone since I'm so emotional, doesn't mean I'm crazy bla bla bla, and I was so pissed off and so angry at this point from the entire conversation that I wasn't even thinking and blurted out the fact that I already am seeing a therapise. Of course, they went crazy how did I not tell them. He went about how they're supposed to know everything and whatever kind of doctor I go to, they should know about and bla bla bla. Of course the minute I blurted it out I absolutely regreted it so much and the more I think about what I said, the more panicked I get. The more my paranoia kicks in. The more situations I think of that can fuck me up. I keep thinking what if they contact her, the therapist, what if it turns out they know someone that can get them my files. They cannot know what is in there. They cannot know the things I've said. It will destroy them and I cannot live knowing that they know even 1/10 of what I've said in my sessions.

So basically, paranoia levels are one million times infinity. I'm trying to just think about Europe and about having a good time and just getting this new experience, but the overthinking paranoid head of mine won't quite down. I really hope it does soon because I need to enjoy this trip. I need it for my sanity. To keep myself together for another year. For me. I need this trip to recooperate. I hope that that's how it plays out. I really need it to.