Minor rant
There's no 'ok' way to lose a child. The sudden accidents and medical disasters are terrible because there was no warning BUT at least the kid didn't suffer too long, and the long drawn-out cancer experiences are terrible because everyone suffered BUT you get to hold your child and say good-bye. I'm sorry, it's all too horrible. We can never have this child back.
I know that women who miss their beloved partners can never replace that exact person and were truly joined by spirit so without diminishing that loss I ask what could possibly be worse than losing a child and my answer is nothing. Yet we keep living with the loss, and as things like New Year's Eve come along it's hard to feel hopeful. I'm NOT hopeful that this year it will hurt less or that I'll get used to not seeing Andy. It's still SO not ok with me.
Friends who complain that their child is away for 3 months or a semester have no idea what it's like to have one year pile on top of the last... year after year... I'm beginning to understand why it only hurts more with time. Who wants to go this long... and then longer... without seeing your child? It only gets sadder and harder. And like a f***ing graph with lines going in the opposite direction, people think that I'm getting over it and getting used to it. I think I'll actually make this graph! Stay tuned. Don't worry about me, I'm just ruminating on NYE. Most of the time, I'm pretty good at feeling the essence of Andy with me. But at the cusp of a new year, there's no way to measure how much I miss him.
hugs. xoxox
I know that women who miss their beloved partners can never replace that exact person and were truly joined by spirit so without diminishing that loss I ask what could possibly be worse than losing a child and my answer is nothing. Yet we keep living with the loss, and as things like New Year's Eve come along it's hard to feel hopeful. I'm NOT hopeful that this year it will hurt less or that I'll get used to not seeing Andy. It's still SO not ok with me.
Friends who complain that their child is away for 3 months or a semester have no idea what it's like to have one year pile on top of the last... year after year... I'm beginning to understand why it only hurts more with time. Who wants to go this long... and then longer... without seeing your child? It only gets sadder and harder. And like a f***ing graph with lines going in the opposite direction, people think that I'm getting over it and getting used to it. I think I'll actually make this graph! Stay tuned. Don't worry about me, I'm just ruminating on NYE. Most of the time, I'm pretty good at feeling the essence of Andy with me. But at the cusp of a new year, there's no way to measure how much I miss him.
hugs. xoxox
Replies
Oh Sarah: I\'m with you all the way. Tight hugs and tears. It\'s terrible that it\'s another year without our sons. And it\'s not fair and not right and time doesn\'t change this for us. It\'s just so very hard. Hold tight dear friend, we who love you, who know you, know you\'re strength, a rock it\'s said. Stay brave and one day this life will end our pain. love, Abby
Yes, all too Iorrible - pretty much says it all. I used to love New Year but it\'s one holiday I can\'t bear any more - the years pass but the more it stays the same. None the less, wishing you much peace and strength for 2013. You take care ~ Joanna x
Oh Sarah, I so understand what you are getting at. As I watch the tv ringing in 2013, all I think about is how long it has been now since I saw my Michael. And how many more I have to go. The \"raw\" pain is gone but the ache and longing seems to get worse. Hugs, Belinda
Oh Sarah - I am so with you. I feel it gets harder in a lot of ways. Yes we can live, do what needs to be done, laugh with friends, but the pain is always there. We have our granddaughter with us tonight so we have a bit of Lisa but I wish - oh how I miss my Lisa.
Love and hugs,
Marlene
I miss her more today than yesterday..... I don\'t scream as much, or cry as often.....but I sure do miss her more....
No, there\'s no easier way, no less painful way, to lose a child.......every way SUCKS and is the worst way.
And there\'s no ringing in the new year without wringing out my heart....
Love to you!
Love to Andy!
Walking beside you and I just cannot bear to begin thinking of X amount of years without my Doug. It already has been WAY too many.... Deepest of sighs...
Never any worry, Sarah, just a deep knowing and wishing that none of us ever had to experience this most horrific and never ending loss.
Now, I understand why my mom was SO ready to go and BE with my brother. She began to turn her back on my sister and me and face a new direction with outstretched arms. She kept doing a patting motion with her hand as she often did with us as children and I knew my brother was there. He caught her and Andy and Douglas will catch us... It just isn\'t soon enough at times.
With love always my friend.
XO Joanie
I am right there next to you. No one will understand or even come close. Only those of us who walk the walk. I deal with the hurt of non understanding people also we all do. We must move on because we are deeper thinking people because we all have a hole in our hearts that is impossible to be repaired.
We must live the best we can, we do have other family to live for and another generation to teach.
Sending warm embracing tight hugs to you ~ Penny
Yesterday my lunatic of a neighbor (she\'s all bent out of shape over her knee replacement surgery) told me that if I\'m not\"Over it\" by year three, there\'s \"something wrong\". She\'s fortunate I restrained myself or she would have needed brain surgery.
This is the year 2013. When 2\'s and 3\'s are mixed in any way in a number, it is very, very bad. I think I might die this year. I hope I do. If God is merciful. I\'m so angry at April. All the intellectualizing about profound mental illness blah blah blah does not take away the agony inflicted on me by her actions. A lifetime of agony. I\'m even afraid to sleep because I sometimes dream about her or losing her. Last night I woke up crying hysterically from telling someone in my dream I had lost her. There\'s no end. There never will be any end. And I see the agony in the hearts of my sisters here, and I see the unfolding agony of a young friend whose pregnancy just failed and whose far too premature baby has little or no chance of survival. I worry about her so much. Her life is over if that baby doesn\'t make it, I\'m scared for her. I\'m tired of all of this. So tired. And I have no choice, I have to keep going, I\'m condemned to live.
If I could hold your pain for just one hour to bring you a moments peace, I would do it. I can only cry with you because you are hurting so much. - Some day, I hope we will understand, someday may we know...Until we all meet again, may we find just enough strength to take that one step at a time.
You are right...there is no way of losing a child less painful than another... I am blessed I had Jenn for so many years and have her children here to hug...many moms don\'t have that...I am blessed that she was not sick for long..some moms had their children in horrible pain...I am blessed I got to be with her when she left this earth..some moms didn\'t ...but I still miss her every moment of every day
my dearest friend, Sarah, yes, yes, yes. A resounding - Me Too. I miss Seth more with each season, not less. I run memories through my head so that I can keep him alive with me. I try hard to avoid those memories while he was failing with that stupid brain tumor monster, and when I fall victim to those movies in my head, I try to remind myself how sick he was and how happy he must have been when he finally released his body. It\'s a never ending cycle of Ugh - memories to not forget, and memories to stir the feelings of guilt, anger, frustration. More than anyone here, Sarah, I know the terror of brain cancer and the loss to that monster.
Yes we go about our days and sometimes the tears come a bit less often, but that spot in our hearts where there is that ache remains. I just have to \"tuck\" it away and hope that one day it won\'t matter because we will be reunitied but for now it does matter and it does stink! Sending love and continued support. Robin
I write Andy\'s name here because I know what it is like to have someone mention your child\'s name, to remember, no matter what mood we\'re in. So
I know you are a survivor and tomorrow is another day, but for today I feel all I can do is mention your child\'s name. I know it hurts but I also know it helps. I
hope your New Year\'s Day is peaceful and you spend it whatever way is best for you. Sincerely, your friend, BarbaraWawa
Hello Sarah, I agree that there is no ok way for a child to pass. But I do believe that watching your child suffer over a period of time must be almost as excruciating as letting them go. I have read of Andy\'s suffering and my heart goes out to you but I know there was never any doubt you would be right by Andy\'s side, suffering with him and honored to do so. What a horrible thing brain cancer is...I can only imagine but I know, I know, I know what a comfort you were to your son as he fought bravely to survive. Andy was/is an amazing young man and so is his mom. I love you both, Linda Gentle hugs as you miss you dear son...
Yeah...there is something about this reality that boggles the mind...you can put it away and go about a day. You can laugh and work and do \"normal\" things. THEN...you allow yourself to just think...and boom there is your child...there is the reality. And, it can so easily snowball into the whatifs...and it hurts...it stirs the pot again. And ANYTHING can trigger it! And...depending on the day you can rebound quickly or you can sink lower. Others really have no clue...and I am glad they do not... Love to you Sarah...