James Roberts Birthday tomorrow
Well It has been a year, 7 months and 22 days since James Robert died. Tomorrow is his birthday. How am I doing? not too well. When James Robert died I was 440lbs (my official weight was 438 on 3/8/14) I was starting to level out on my depression. Then the unthinkable happened. I haven't been able to eat much since he died and I have lost almost 100lbs. Everyone congratulates me but it is because I don't have an appetite, heck I don't want to do much of anything since he has been gone. Most days are spent in bed. I often wish I could just see him one more time, to trade places with him. Heck just one more hug. Days, weeks, months just run together and nothing seems to matter. I just got out of the hospital. I was in for 11 days. I had cellulitis that went septic. While I was in I was hoping I could just die, but unfortunately I pulled through. Why do I have to keep going on? What is the point? How long do I have to suffer? Will a day go by that I don't think of him? I wonder if in the end I will just fade away, how long will that take? It can't come soon enough. I think of all the fun things James Robert and I could do now that I have lost so much weight. Dearest James Robert I miss you so much. Not a day goes by that I don't think of you, long to hold you in my arms. Tell you that I love you. I miss your smile and laughter. I miss the way you would just drop in to say HI. I miss the light you shone on my dreary life. You gave me something to hang on to. You might not have known how much I needed you, but I am lost without you. I often wonder if I will find a way out of this horrible darkness. I wonder if I will ever get up the desire to care about anything again.
Sorry to go on and on and on. I thought nothing could be as bad as James Robert's last birthday, but this one is worse.
Sorry to go on and on and on. I thought nothing could be as bad as James Robert's last birthday, but this one is worse.
Replies
Dear Sister of the Heart, Happy Birthday to James Robert. What was the day of his birth like for you. Remember the joy of holding him for the first time. Our memories will get us through. I understand that you do not want to be congratulated on your weight success. That is truly a good start for you to take care of yourself. I read a post recently that said, We have to life for those who now cannot. You will be honoring your son if you can do this. We can help each other as I too have weight to lose. I am down 12 lbs this week and I know the girls want me to be well. Lets do it together. Hugs, Kathy
Happy Birthday to James Robert. He is lucky to have you as his Mom. Your love shines through everything you say. I lost my only son Max 7 years ago. You ask \"Will a day go by that you don\'t think of your son?\" The answer is no, it won\'t. But given time and great love, your memories will slowly turn to good ones and you will appreciate the time you had with your son. Please be gentle with yourself and know that we have all stood in your shoes. We know the pain and suffering you feel. We are here for you.
Gari
Happy Birthday James Robert.
This is a painful journey, lots of rocks and twists and turns. It will take a long time to feel human again always missing our child(ren) It will get easier, each of us on a different time frame. We are on the journey together but our path is different. It took me over 4 years not to spend 3 months in a deep depression from Holloween one of Mikes favorite times through Christmas which he died 5 days before and his birthday in January.
Many people here helped hold me up and in turn we will hold you up.
very tight hugs
Penny
This is a harsh journey as the others have said. It takes a long time to feel better, but it does get better. It is especially difficult during birthdays, holidays, and angelversaries and it does take a toll on the health of many of the moms. When you need encouragement or consolement, the moms here are wonderful. Sometimes just writing your thoughts out seems to help. I am wishing James Robert a happy birthday and hoping you find signs from him to help get you through this terrible time.
Happy Birthday to James Robert and a heartfelt (((hug ))) of loving care and understanding for you, his forever mom.
One of our dear mom\'s Debbie, refers to us as our children\'s memory keepers. This is so very healing for me and perhaps it might be for you as well.
We each do what we must to navigate this path and I have found that having an understanding and loving community is vital. I know that each of you \"gets it\" and my needing to go into explanation isn\'t necessary. What a relief and healing grace that IS.
Just this moment, day and one breath at a time and knowing that you are doing your best and that simply just has to be good enough for today.
Hand in hand and Heart to heart,
XO Joanie
Happy birthday James Robert.
Please, absolutely no need to apologize for going on and on. We all need to share our pain, right where we are. I understand how difficult it is for you when someone compliments you on your weight loss yet for you it is associated with the death of your son. They don\'t understand the pain, but we do...
tightest of hugs,
Merrilee
Wishing James Robert a Happy Heavenly Birthday.
As Merrilee said, there is no need to apologize. This is one place where we can come and bare our souls, and be understood.
I don\'t have any profound words of wisdom. No, never will a day go by that you don\'t think of him. I never thought I would ever stop crying. I still shed a wee tear almost every day. But now I often think of the good times, rather than focusing on my loss. I can now smile and laugh and have joy in my life.
I have a history of depression. I was on antidepressants long before Lisa died. Her loss was devastating. I am now taking 3 medications - 2 antidepressants and an antianxiety med to sleep. I hope you can find a way to heal.
Whatever, please know that you are cared about here. Come any time and let us know how you are feeling.
Love and tight hugs, Marlene
It hurts...it just hurts...I am coming up on a year and a half since I lost my only child and her birthday is coming up as well. Her second, since she has been gone. She was my life as well, the center of my universe and I too look forward to and want to rush to the time when I will be with her again.
There are still times I have a hard time believing it happened, that if only I can retrace her every step, find out absolutely everything, then somehow I can save her...or at least maybe understand...probably won\'t happen in this life.
What I do is just wait for the happy moments, they come occasionally. Mostly I am miserable, but maybe tomorrow something good might happen. That is what keeps me going...So sorry Mama
I am so sorry you are hurting the way you are. I felt much like you do in the early part of this year. I also take something for depression and anxiety. It doesn\'t take away the feelings of missing our child, but this does help me get out of bed and shower. There is so much love and wisdom here. I was not journaling. Good news or bad I really feel safe here with all of the SOTH. Just breath and do the best you can for today. Happy Birthday to your beautiful James Robert.
Tight (((( hugs ))) and may peace find you.
Heartfelt hugs
I am so so sorry for your pain. Happy belated birthday to James Robert. Hugs, Laura