JACKIES BIRTHDAY
I WANT TO THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH FOR YOUR LOVING AND COMFORTING WORDS. TRULY, I HAVE BEEN SO UNHAPPY AND FEEL LIKE MY LIFE IS JUST STUCK IN THIS HORRIBLE PLACE.
WHEN I SAW MY PSYCHIATRIST THE OTHER DAY SHE WAS SURPRISED THAT I HAVE REFUSED TO GET ANGRY AT JACKIE. SHE SAID I MUST GO THROUGH ALL THE PHASES OF GRIEF. ALSO I DON'T KNOW WHY BUT I AM FIGHTING SEEING A GRIEF COUNSELOR. SHE HAS ADVISED ME OVER AND OVER TO DO THIS BUT I HAVEN'T. I AM GOING TO MAKE AN APPOINTMENT.
I KNOW ONE REASON IS BECAUSE SOMEONE TOLD ME I SHOULDN'T GET ANGRY BECAUSE SHE WON'T REST IN PEACE. I KNOW IT SOUNDS SILLY BUT I SORT OF BELIEVE IT. I'M GOING TO GIVE IN BECAUSE I AM SO MAD SHE LEFT ME. I'M SO TIRED OF THIS DAILY BATTLE OF ONE DAY GOOD, ONE DAY BAD. I KNOW I HAVE TO MOVE FORWARD. I'M LIVING A NIGHTMARE. I DO GO OUT 2 NIGHTS A WEEK, I MAKE PLANS TO MEET FRIENDS. I SEE MY GRANDCHILDREN AND SELL THE JEWELRY I MAKE WITH MY SISTER AT A VENDORS MARKET ON SATURDAYS. I STAY BUSY. BUT WHEN I THINK ABOUT MY LIFE, I'M REALLY NEVER HAPPY. WHEN I'M WITH MY GRANDCHILDREN I'M THINKING "JAC LOOK AT WHAT YOU ARE MISSING. WHEN I'M AROUND PEOPLE MOST OF THE TIME I'M PRETENDING I'M HAVING A GOOD TIME.
I DO NEED PROFESSIONAL HELP. I DON'T EVEN KNOW IF I WANT TO GET BETTER. HOW DOES SOMEONE GO ON WITH LIFE AFTER THIS. I HAVEN'T BEEN ON THE SITE FOR A WHILE. I JUST HAVE NOTHING TO SAY. EXCEPT THE SAME THINGS OVER AND OVER. YOU ALL HAVE BEEN SO WONDERFUL WHEN I NEEDED HELP. YOU ALL SAY THE RIGHT THINGS EVEN THOUGH YOUR HEARTACHE IS THE SAME AND MUST OR HAVE FELT THIS WAY AT SOME POINT. iTS TWO YEARS AND I'M STILL GRIEVING. THE ONLY THING THAT HAS CHANGED IS THAT AT NIGHT MY KITTEN CHARLIE COMES TO BED WITH ME AND WE PLAY AND I DONT GO OVER THAT NIGHT IN MY HEAD OVER AND OVER AND CRY. SO AGAIN THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH FOR REMEMBERING JACKIE ON HER BIRTHDAY. IT MEANS SO MUCH TO ME. I LOVE YOU ALL, GAIL
WHEN I SAW MY PSYCHIATRIST THE OTHER DAY SHE WAS SURPRISED THAT I HAVE REFUSED TO GET ANGRY AT JACKIE. SHE SAID I MUST GO THROUGH ALL THE PHASES OF GRIEF. ALSO I DON'T KNOW WHY BUT I AM FIGHTING SEEING A GRIEF COUNSELOR. SHE HAS ADVISED ME OVER AND OVER TO DO THIS BUT I HAVEN'T. I AM GOING TO MAKE AN APPOINTMENT.
I KNOW ONE REASON IS BECAUSE SOMEONE TOLD ME I SHOULDN'T GET ANGRY BECAUSE SHE WON'T REST IN PEACE. I KNOW IT SOUNDS SILLY BUT I SORT OF BELIEVE IT. I'M GOING TO GIVE IN BECAUSE I AM SO MAD SHE LEFT ME. I'M SO TIRED OF THIS DAILY BATTLE OF ONE DAY GOOD, ONE DAY BAD. I KNOW I HAVE TO MOVE FORWARD. I'M LIVING A NIGHTMARE. I DO GO OUT 2 NIGHTS A WEEK, I MAKE PLANS TO MEET FRIENDS. I SEE MY GRANDCHILDREN AND SELL THE JEWELRY I MAKE WITH MY SISTER AT A VENDORS MARKET ON SATURDAYS. I STAY BUSY. BUT WHEN I THINK ABOUT MY LIFE, I'M REALLY NEVER HAPPY. WHEN I'M WITH MY GRANDCHILDREN I'M THINKING "JAC LOOK AT WHAT YOU ARE MISSING. WHEN I'M AROUND PEOPLE MOST OF THE TIME I'M PRETENDING I'M HAVING A GOOD TIME.
I DO NEED PROFESSIONAL HELP. I DON'T EVEN KNOW IF I WANT TO GET BETTER. HOW DOES SOMEONE GO ON WITH LIFE AFTER THIS. I HAVEN'T BEEN ON THE SITE FOR A WHILE. I JUST HAVE NOTHING TO SAY. EXCEPT THE SAME THINGS OVER AND OVER. YOU ALL HAVE BEEN SO WONDERFUL WHEN I NEEDED HELP. YOU ALL SAY THE RIGHT THINGS EVEN THOUGH YOUR HEARTACHE IS THE SAME AND MUST OR HAVE FELT THIS WAY AT SOME POINT. iTS TWO YEARS AND I'M STILL GRIEVING. THE ONLY THING THAT HAS CHANGED IS THAT AT NIGHT MY KITTEN CHARLIE COMES TO BED WITH ME AND WE PLAY AND I DONT GO OVER THAT NIGHT IN MY HEAD OVER AND OVER AND CRY. SO AGAIN THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH FOR REMEMBERING JACKIE ON HER BIRTHDAY. IT MEANS SO MUCH TO ME. I LOVE YOU ALL, GAIL
Replies
Gail
I was where you are about the anger,you need to tell Jackie how you feel about what happened.I finally yelled at Jeff for what happened and my heart is a little lighter.
Much love and tight hugs
Doris
Gail I hope you are able to find the help to pull you out of this pit of sorrow. I don\'t know if it\'s necessary or not to go through all phases of grief, I personally have my doubts. I don\'t remember being angry at Jason and he shot himself. Only once I thought that he has hurt is daughter by depriving her of her Daddy and I was angry about that for awhile but it passed quickly because I realized he didn\'t want to die he wanted to be out of his emotional and physical pain and misery.
I wish there was a magic formula to finding peace in our hearts. Generally I\'m doing pretty good but there are still those moments when a trigger happens that knocks me off balance. I think that will be the rest of our lives.
Sending love and hugs and prayers that you find the answers you are seeking.
Hugs,
Terry
Hi this is Ellzeena! I will send you a friend request.
Anger is NORMAL. NO ONE has any idea what God\'s plan is for those who take their lives in horrible torment. You are allowed to be angry, I am often angry at April! I ask her, \"HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME WHEN I LOVED YOU SO MUCH\" at least several times a week! Anger is a normal part of grief, even if the person you loved died from natural causes! A friend of mine lost his wife two years ago; he\'s about 80something. He said to me a few weeks ago, \"But she lied to me, she promised I would go first\". Sounds irrational, huh? No it\'s NORMAL.
It\'s also apparently \"normal\" to not want to \"get better\" (as if we could! IF ONLY!) I know someone who has been suffering a hellish life for almost six years after losing her 12 yo son to suicide. She doesn\'t want help. She cut me off because I encouraged her to see other sides of this horror. Get a grief counselor, you don\'t need to punish yourself and that\'s what you\'re doing, I know because I punished myself (and still DO against ALL rational thought!). No life will be go back to what it was; no you are not the same person; yes you have suffered a tremendous shock; yes it will take a long time to accommodate this horrible loss. Can you ever be happy? Don\'t ask ME how to do that, but I don\'t want to spend every single day of my life in horror and agony either! FIGHT!
My anger is not directed at Jenn...she got cancer...not her fault...but I am really pissed at her doctors and the radiologist who failed to diagnose her when it reoccurred ...so I\'m trying to sue the crap out of them...hope it works or you will hear me all the way up in ny
I don\'t know about those phases of grief....grief is what it is, different for everyone at any time. No wrong or right way to feel - we are entitled to however we feel. I don\'t know why, but I have never felt anger over David\'s death. Such sadness, terrible pain, loss and emptiness - but never anger. Hope the grief counselor is helpful for you - sometimes it\'s just good to talk, I think. Take care of yourself ~ Joanna x
P.S. Your kitten sounds adorable.....
There is certainly no 1, 2, 3, step process to any of this. Sure, there are similar feelings, emotions, whatever that most grieving mothers experience, but there is no \"expert\" who can tell us what \"phase\" we\'re in or what\'s next. I think we cycle through it all....over and over again....until our hearts and minds are ready to add new parts to our lives. I think we\'re continually moving forward even when we don\'t realize...or are seemingly fighting it every step of the way.
I personally don\'t see venting anger as something negative. I think releasing anger is a very positive, helpful, and necessary tool. And I don\'t view expressing anger toward our children\'s actions or reactions or circumstances as evil or negative. When my daughter refused to clean her room, I was mad...and I told her so. I see no difference in telling Jackie you\'re pissed at how things turned out and for whatever role she played in that outcome.....doesn\'t mean you love her any less....and sure as hell doesn\'t mean it will prevent her from being in peace. Jackie is in the purest essence of PEACE.....and she\'s at a place where she can hear your heart and help you heal. I do not, do NOT, know your walk....it is not my walk.....so please understand I can only share what I \"think\".....and what I think is it would be very healthy for you to tell Jackie you\'re pissed. I even think it would be healthy to go as far as screaming it out of your system. (I\'m a huge believer in screaming). And please know I know my example of a dirty room does NOT in any way compare to what you are going through, I only mean that it\'s OK to tell our kids we\'re pissed off because of something they\'ve done....or didn\'t do. I guess most of all what I\'m trying to say is to be honest....with yourself and with Jackie. I think it\'s when we avoid getting \"real\" when the real trouble comes.
And as far as the \"rest in peace\" thing goes.....there\'s no way in hell my Kala is \"resting in peace\"!!! She\'s too busy doing things....learning things....living, yes LIVING her life! \"Rest\" is not a part of Kala\'s world! Being in Peace surely is....but she\'s busy in Peace....not resting in it!!! That\'s just my belief at this moment in time.
Gail, I hope I\'ve said at least one small thing that makes sense and/or help you. If not, just delete this whole comment and disregard my ramblings.
I love you and I love Jackie! And I am sending positive, LOVE energy to both of you this very moment~~
There is no \"one size fits all\" on this path and you are trying to navigate it as best as you are able. It\'s a spin cycle of emotions and feelings and I know that I can feel so many within nano seconds of one another. It\'s exhausting!!!
I have always felt that anger gets a bum rap and I have been very angry with Doug along the way. Not just in death yet in life too. He knew how I felt and I felt it with passion and it can be used a a spring board and or catalyst that aids one\'s healing too.
Gaining more tools and getting all the help that you can is vital and it changes as you do. If you are feeling the pull towards a grief counselor then do it and see how you feel... Only you will know and this is your path and is as unique as YOU are.
For me, having the deep knowing that I\'m not alone and each of you understand my heart is truly where my healing IS. This is why FMO fits for me. It is a \"size\" that I can \"wear\" and is like my cozies pair of jammy pants. The \"getting it\" here is what keeps me coming back. I so wish that none of us had to be here, yet we are and the collective is powerful.
Loving care to your tender heart dear Gail and so much understanding.
I SO wish our Jackie and Doug were still here with us in the ways that we had always hoped they would be. This is our life\'s work now to find out how to live again and my hand is in yours and so is my heart.
Gentle hugs my friend,
XO Joanie
I think anger is a normal part of grief, no matter the circumstances. Soon after Doug\'s accident I started writing in a journal to him, expressing all my emotions... for me it was a big help. I did also go to grief counseling and found that helpful also. I miss Doug like crazy but 4 years later I am able to find some happiness, something I never thought I would be able to do, and I am over the guilt of having some happiness. Everyone has to find a path that rings true for them. Perhaps write a letter to Jackie expressing your anger, then a letter of forgiveness? Hope you can find your way to living a life that is not filled with anguish 24/7. Love to you, Sue xo
Gail, Let me just say in my humble opinion that whatever we do, feel say or however we grieve it does not affect our child\'s resting in peace! I believe our kids are surrounded by God\'s divine love as He loves them more than we even love our kids (hard to believe anyone could love our kids more but He loves in a divinely perfect way). And I am with Teri. I don\'t know that our kids are resting in peace as much as living their eternal lives to the fullest while at peace, tending their gardens and preparing our mansions for when we join them.
For me, I went to grief counseling and my counselor taught me a lot about her experiences working with people who have lost children and how the children send signs and winks to their parents and how she has come to believe our kids have truly \"graduated\" to a wondrous place and still have a connection with us. BUT, they have no more physical or emotional pain!
As far as the 5 stages of grief I was familiar with all of them before Eddie died as I am a social worker and studied the grief process in college, but the book learning didn\'t help so much when my own child left for Heaven. I needed my grief counselor to help me navigate this new and bitter road. It was helpful for me to go to a grief counselor. It will be four years on September 4th since my only child died, I have found I go in & out of all the stages periodically. Heck, at times I still engage in bargaining. I say, \"if only I could have had the heart attack instead of Ed, if only I could have convinced him to quit smoking, etc.\" As Sue said, perhaps a letter to dear Jackie telling her how you feel but then a letter of forgiveness or even all at once because I can imagine you must have conflicting emotions. I strongly believe that no matter what a person in the state of mind to die by suicide is not responsible for their actions...they are in an altered state of mind.
I have anger too my friend. Mostly at life for kicking me in the teeth & taking my only child away. I am not mad at God as I believe some things in life, even terrible things just happen to good people like you and your dear daughter and to my sweet son. And Gail, let me leave you with this..you are doing the best you can. It takes time to heal. At almost four years I do live with this pain and loss but it is lighter and I do experience laughter and at times even joy. You are doing everything right by trying to go out a bit, spend time with your grandies and coming here to talk with your sisters of the heart. No one tires of anything a mom has to say here...even over and over. It is all part of the process and we understand. I understand completely. I think I cried and said the same things over and over again to my grief counselor for a year. Its ok. I am proud of you for reaching out. And healing doesn\'t mean leaving Jackie behind (I had to learn this). It means finding new ways to keep her close. Tight hugs and so much understanding. Love, Linda
Gail, one thing I want to add to all the above is that is that it is perfectly okay to be angry. I remember driving home from work one day during my first year and stopping at a stop sign. I started to scream. I screamed and screamed. It felt good. I beat my steering wheel. My Michael did not exactly commit suicide, but in a way he did. He killed himself by overdosing on drugs. He went into a bathroom and did drugs that killed him. He even warned his girlfriend to be careful with the drugs they got that night. And he wasn\'t careful himself. Anger has never been a big struggle for me, maybe simply because I am not a person quick to anger. It is still so VERY hard at year two. I didn\'t \"come around\" until year three. I didn\'t laugh around the \"others\" until about a year ago and I am going on year 5! Do not beat yourself up or think yourself to be unable to heal to whatever degree of healing we can come to. Learning to ACCEPT has been the key for me.
Peace.
I laughed, within days of Cara\'s death... not because I did not care... someone said something funny... so I laughed... I cried... I cried till I wondered where all the tears came from... one of my grieving friends got a cold... posted a kind of joking post telling us not to go to Walgreens expecting to buy Kleenex as she\'d bought them out... I told her not to worry... I never wasted time with Kleenex.... Kleenex were useless for the copious amount of tears I was crying... just hand me a roll of paper towels... I went back to work and I popped jokes with the drivers on the dispatch radio... I was a dispatcher... I had a certain persona that I wore... I did everything I could to survive... cracking jokes is one of the ways I\'ve covered up for years... like a puppy... begging... please like me... please like me... So to or not to laugh... who can say...
As far as to feel a real smile... not the socially expected... nod your head.... nice to meet you kind of smile... but the kind of smile that comes when you feel you are loved and can give love... that was 3 years in the waiting... and as you\'re reading... it can take more time and it can take less... the ups and downs are part of our life now... I hate it... what I don\'t hate... is that I had Cara for the time I did... that is how I\'m managing...
I saw this quote on a response to mummar\'s journal response from kingsdaughter yesterday... It so speaks to my soul... It may be too soon for it to speak to you but I\'d like to share it and hope it will comfort you...
\"I loved that boy (Jackie) with the utmost love of which my soul is capable, and he (she) is taken from me....yet in the agony of my spirit in surrendering such a treasure, I feel a thousand times richer than if I had never possessed it.\" William Wordsworth 1812
I inserted your daughter\'s name and she as I inserted Cara\'s name and she just because I wanted to say it out loud as I felt it and thought it might help you too...
I absolutely do not think to express everything to Jackie will in anyway disrespect or harm her... I actually think she\'ll be grateful for anything you can do or say that will ease your pain... She loves you. She did not leave you. She struggled with her pain and then one day... perhaps she dwelt on the idea of escape too long... and then she took her own life... I can tell you a lot about that... the thoughts build... for me it got to the point I could picture quite clearly how it might be... I did get help... a lot of counseling, and learning about depression... so I have been able to learn ways to cope...
I am so sorry... I can imagine your pain all too well... Hugs Elissa
Reading all your responses once again gives me hope be able t o go on with my life. One day I want to live life and the next I dont. It is a constant battle. Sometimes I will be having a good day and all of a sudden I think of Jackiel and start crying. I still can\' t believe she\'s gone. Most of the time I feel like I will never be truly happy again. I miss Jackie so much Talking to all of you, who know exactly what I am feeling, does help. I think more than any therapist could help. Thank you so much from my heart. Love Gail