JACKIE'S BIRTHDAY
This was such a hard week. The anticipation leading up to this day was so overwhelming. It was all I could think about. I miss Jackie so much that some days even after 3 years I shut down and just want to be alone and cry. Jackies death changed me in a way that I feel I could never have imagined For example, before if I knew my son was coming over I would get so excited. Believe me I still am thrilled to see him but it's not until he is physically with me. I love him so much and I hate myself for feeling this way. I'm embarrassed by it and would never want him to know that when he tells me he's coming over I have to pretend over the phone how happy I am. My Dr. says that possibly it's the medication that I'm on it suppresses emotion. Then what about my emotions with losing Jackie. I went to the cemetery today with my sister and best friend and we wrote messages on balloons and released them. They went so high beyond the clouds, you would think they actually went to heaven. Maybe they did. When I go out with my friends or I'm with my son and grandchildren I'm fine. It's the night's and being alone during the day with nothing to do that kills me. It's not often. I try to stay busy but then I go to my room and think and talk to JACKIE. I know how blessed I am. I have a wonderful family and great friends. I want to be happy again but I really don't think I ever will be. Jackie took part of my heart anpd part of my sole the day she died and that s something we can never get back. So I go on. Each day is a new struggle. Trying to come to terms with the fact that Jackie took her life, that with all the doctors and hospitals I took her to they couldn't find the source of the headaches. And then the diagnosis of NDPH, New Daily Persistent Headache. There Is no cure. Just different combos of meds until they hit the right ones. It could go on for years. I couldn't make her better. She had to give up working and go on social security. She couldn't go to the gym anymore. I will always regret not going out with her that night when she asked me to.
Anyway. I know I'm babbling. It's these times that I get myself depressed. Tomorrow is a new day I have to start to heal AGAIN Thank you everyone for all your thoughtful birthday wishes I love you all. Gail
Anyway. I know I'm babbling. It's these times that I get myself depressed. Tomorrow is a new day I have to start to heal AGAIN Thank you everyone for all your thoughtful birthday wishes I love you all. Gail
Replies
Gail, you survived it...Did you feel the anticipation was worse than the real day?? You are supposed to babble on here.
You navigated it as best as you could and sometimes I think the combo of meds can really make it difficult to feel. My late mom experienced that and told me that the meds she was on made it difficult for her to have a good cry. I understand this is unique for everyone, yet what you are describing makes sense to me.
Please know that you can say whatever you need to here and that is the beauty of this healing village. Always there is someone who needs to hear your truth and it helps you and others too.
I know how I relieved I feel to awaken to the \"day after\" these tender days and with a huge exhale too so hoping that tomorrow you will feel that.
I have no doubt Jackie caught a balloon or two...
Loving care and stay close,
XO Joanie
Babble away, it is okay. We can beat ourselves up forever or we can learn to accept and admit possible failures as parents. I always go back to \"acceptance\" of that which I have no control over making a change, no matter what decision I ever made in life. Our kids are celebrating each other in their world. HUgsl
Gail, often nothing makes sense anymore. Medication helps in some ways and hinders our lives in other ways. It is better living through chemistry for every day types of things. As these \"holidays\" come up, there is not enough medicine in the world to help, at least not as far as I am concerned. I am hoping tomorrow will be a better day for you but I am not one that can \"exhale\" right after. I have a longer \"let down\" after \"these dates.\" Is that the medicine, I don\'t know any more...
Sending love your way,
Leda
when we release balloons,, I tell Morgan to share them with her friends... yesterday Jackie shared it with Morgan.... love ya!
I feel much as you do but I know there\'s something changing inside me and I can\'t define it or even try to explain it. Not one day goes by that I don\'t cry, some days are okay and some days are horrific. Bad dreams, too. I spent 90 minutes at our grave yesterday cleaning it up and protecting the foot stone, removing dirt from it, surrounding it with river stones after digging up the crab grass.....I shouldn\'t have to be a grounds keeper. I am thinking of moving it actually. to another cemetery. When I meet others I\'m upbeat and affectionate, funny and flattering, kind and all the things I need to be in this world but, inside, I\'m dead. I\'m waiting for the day I can finally fly away, hopefully reunite with my child. You saw Jackie, while you were fully awake...never forget that. It was a powerful gift from God. My heart to yours, sister.
Tight hugs Gail. I know how it hurts.
Thank you all for your uplifting words. There is no other place I can really be honest with myself. Unfortunately we are in an unwanted, horrific place together. A mother\'s club that we never would have joined if we had control. Nobody truly understands all the emotional ups and downs we all go through. I told my sister this morning that the pain of losing Jackie is greater than the love I have for Paul. How sick is that. I love my son so much My grandchildren are my life now. I tried to explain it so she would understand how losing a child is so catastrophic that it can overwhelm everything. I don\'t want to feel this way. My son is wonderful to me. He is a fantastic father and husband and I\'m so proud of him. I want to get that excitement back. I hope with time I will. I saw in TV last night the woman who lost her whole family in that fire a few years ago. She eloped and is so happy. She lost a husband, 2 children and her parents. I don\'t know where her strength comes from. I hate myself for feeling this way. I\'m afraid to come off the meds that I may get worse. I do know one thing for sure. Jackie appeared to me that day and that is my miracle. I do believe that I will see her again. I love you all for your love, understanding and guidance. Xxxxxx oooooo
I\'m sorry I missed Jackie\'s angel day...hugs dear Gail, tight understanding hugs
Marylou