is it....anxiety? YUP

someone just told me...stop trying to figure it out...it doesn't matter.

maybe...but when you analyze everything..it's hard to stop searching for a reason.  Am I sick?  I doubt it.  If I were it would not keep coming and going.  I was fine during the day once I got going but last night was awful and I had the shakes so bad and felt sick.  After I ate it got a little better so I started to wonder if it is some weird blood sugar thing.  I used to only associate the rubbery/weak arm feeling with anxiety and when I had that I would know that is all it was. Recently, someone told me that is a sign of a stroke....fucking fantastic..now that is all I can think about when I have that symptom.

This morning, when I first woke up, I was fine again.  Now I am back to the shakiness and nausea that I had last night...rubbery weak arms.  I hate myself for allowing it..I hate that I am not in control of it.  I'm pretty sure if it is anxiety is has to do with this concert/camping thing I am trying to go to.  It's way outside my comfort zone...which in a way will be good for me even if I don't keep dating this guy.  I just feel like crying and hiding in my apartment.  I'm 99% sure that all this is is anxiety.  I have asked a few people to just pick me up if I do end up passing out.  so fucking tired of my own weakness.

For 15 years when this would happen, there was one man I would turn to ...even though it sometimes made him mad and he was not that supportive...now I have NO ONE to turn to.  Is that why it is so bad?  maybe.  Stupid dumb anxiety freak..you can't get lucky enough to die..you have to keep suffering right along with everyone else.