iIT WILL NEVER MAKE SENSE
HI EVERYONE, ANOTHER HOLIDAY PASSES AND NOW I HAVE JACKIE'S BIRTHDAY COMING UP. 4TH OF JULY HAD ME CRYING ALL NIGHT. IT WAS JUST ANOTHER HOLIDAY WE ALL USED TO CELEBRATE TOGETHER AS A FAMILY.
I USED TO HAVE SUCH FANTASTIC PARTIES IN MY BACKYARD. SUCH FUN. THIS LIFE I HAVE TO FACE NOW WITHOUT JACKIE AND WITHOUT MY 34 YEARS OF MARRIAGE IS SO FRUSTRATING. I ALWAYS FEEL I MUST BE DOING SOMETHING. I MUST KEEP MYSELF BUSY OR I FEEL LIKE I'M LOST, EMPTY AND I JUST CRY.
THIS WILL NEVER, EVER MAKE ANY SENSE TO ME. WHY JACKIE TOOK HER LIFE. MY GRANDDAUGHTER IS HAVING A BABY IN AUGUST AND MY SISTER'S DAUGHTER JUST GOT ENGAGED. I SHOULD BE SO SO HAPPY. SUCH WONDERFUL HAPPENINGS IN MY LIFE NOW. I FEEL LIKE THAT EMOTION DOESN'T EXIST ANYMORE. I HATE FEELING THIS WAY. WHAT IS MY PURPOSE HERE. I KEEP TRYING AND TRYING TO MAKE SENSE OUT OF MY LIFE NOW.
THERE IS NO TIME LINE FOR GRIEVING. LAST MONTH I WAS DOING OK. I WASN'T CRYING AS MUCH. SO TELL ME WHY WHEN MY NIECE GOT ENGAGED IT JUST BROUGHT ME DOWN. HOW HORRIBLE AM I. I LOVE HER SO MUCH. I WANT TO BE SO SO HAPPY FOR HER. I KNOW I AM HAPPY FOR HER, BUT THAT EMOTION JUST DOESN'T WANT TO COME OUT. I HATE MYSELF. JULY 10TH WILL BE 14 MONTHS SINCE JACKIE IS GONE. HER BIRTHDAY IS JULY 24TH AND I'M ALREADY STRESSING. PLEASE, PLEASE TELL ME WHEN WILL I BE OK AGAIN. I NEED TO BE OK AGAIN FOR MY FAMILY. I HATE THIS. I MISS HER SO MUCH AND SOMETIMES STILL CAN'T BELIEVE THAT SHE TOOK HER LIFE. WHEN DID HER MIND GO CRAZY. WHY DIDN'T I SEE IT. SOMETIMES THIS IS JUST TOO MUCH. SOMETIMES I JUST DON'T WANT TO WAKE UP. WHEN JACKIE KILLED HERSELF SHE KILLED ME ALSO. HELP!!!!
I USED TO HAVE SUCH FANTASTIC PARTIES IN MY BACKYARD. SUCH FUN. THIS LIFE I HAVE TO FACE NOW WITHOUT JACKIE AND WITHOUT MY 34 YEARS OF MARRIAGE IS SO FRUSTRATING. I ALWAYS FEEL I MUST BE DOING SOMETHING. I MUST KEEP MYSELF BUSY OR I FEEL LIKE I'M LOST, EMPTY AND I JUST CRY.
THIS WILL NEVER, EVER MAKE ANY SENSE TO ME. WHY JACKIE TOOK HER LIFE. MY GRANDDAUGHTER IS HAVING A BABY IN AUGUST AND MY SISTER'S DAUGHTER JUST GOT ENGAGED. I SHOULD BE SO SO HAPPY. SUCH WONDERFUL HAPPENINGS IN MY LIFE NOW. I FEEL LIKE THAT EMOTION DOESN'T EXIST ANYMORE. I HATE FEELING THIS WAY. WHAT IS MY PURPOSE HERE. I KEEP TRYING AND TRYING TO MAKE SENSE OUT OF MY LIFE NOW.
THERE IS NO TIME LINE FOR GRIEVING. LAST MONTH I WAS DOING OK. I WASN'T CRYING AS MUCH. SO TELL ME WHY WHEN MY NIECE GOT ENGAGED IT JUST BROUGHT ME DOWN. HOW HORRIBLE AM I. I LOVE HER SO MUCH. I WANT TO BE SO SO HAPPY FOR HER. I KNOW I AM HAPPY FOR HER, BUT THAT EMOTION JUST DOESN'T WANT TO COME OUT. I HATE MYSELF. JULY 10TH WILL BE 14 MONTHS SINCE JACKIE IS GONE. HER BIRTHDAY IS JULY 24TH AND I'M ALREADY STRESSING. PLEASE, PLEASE TELL ME WHEN WILL I BE OK AGAIN. I NEED TO BE OK AGAIN FOR MY FAMILY. I HATE THIS. I MISS HER SO MUCH AND SOMETIMES STILL CAN'T BELIEVE THAT SHE TOOK HER LIFE. WHEN DID HER MIND GO CRAZY. WHY DIDN'T I SEE IT. SOMETIMES THIS IS JUST TOO MUCH. SOMETIMES I JUST DON'T WANT TO WAKE UP. WHEN JACKIE KILLED HERSELF SHE KILLED ME ALSO. HELP!!!!
Replies
Oh Honey ~
It will never, ever be okay that your precious daughter Jackie is gone. The shattered pieces of your life and your soul will never, ever be exactly the same again.
BUT ~ the pain and sadness you are feeling right now will keep on cycling around, getting more and more gentle and you will be more and more able to feel moments of joy and happiness.
The third anniversary of Corrie\'s death will be July 27th and I cannot stand to think that she has been gone for so long. And yet, I do know, at times just intellectually if not emotionally, that I have had plenty of times during the past year or so when life has felt lighter, freer and more \"normal\" ~ far from the old \"normal\" but lighter and freer nonetheless. I smile and laugh often. I can feel in the moment when I am doing something enjoyable. I can even once in a great while go for times when I am not actively thinking about the gaping, open Corrie-sized hole in my heart ~ deep inside there is never a fraction of a second when I forget Corrie ~ but I can get relief from the relentless pain.
As for feeling guilty about not rejoicing for your granddaughter and your niece ~ perfectly normal in this new life of ours and nothing to hate yourself for at all!! You are still actively grieving ~ as you said ~ there is no time line for grief. And watching the world go on without our beloved children is like adding insult to injury; rubbing salt into the wound.
We keep in touch with a number of Corrie\'s friends as they happily march into adulthood with graduate degrees, partners, babies, new careers, buying homes. Like you, I feel happy for them on one level and feel anger, sadness and frustration on a much deeper level ~ it simply makes no sense to me that her friends look like adults now and she is frozen in my mind as a very young looking 21 year old. NOT FAIR! But ~ as we used to tell Corrie\'s sister, Allie, when she was growing up and would say \"but that\'s not fair!\" ~ \"who told you life is fair?\" It simply is what it is. We\'re all on a one way street and where and when we lose someone off the street is absolutely unpredictable and random. The best we can do after such a devastating loss is ~ well ~ the best we can do ~ get up each morning, take a deep breath and say \"I can do it!\"
You are in your second year and many of us found the second year in many ways harder than the first year. We theorize that it\'s because the numbness, shock and denial have worn off to a large extent, leaving us with the raw pain and realization that Jackie and Corrie truly never will come bouncing in our front doors again. I can say that the third year, in general, has been much, much better.
Please be gentle with yourself. There is nothing to hate except that Jackie has been stolen away from you. It takes ever so much time ~ years and years ~ but I promise you that you will begin to feel moments of genuine peace and joy ~ fleeting perhaps ~ but they will be there.
In the meantime, just congratulate yourself that you know the imminent arrival of a great-grandchild and your niece\'s wedding are cause for happiness and rejoicing ~ even if you don\'t feel it. Doesn\'t matter one teeny tiny bit!!
And, on the day of your niece\'s wedding, please give yourself permission in advance to leave if it\'s too painful or if you want to curl up in a corner and cry. It will not ruin anyone\'s day ~ they will be too caught up in the excitement and joy of their own moment!
Sending so much love and big tight hugs of understanding and comfort ~ Debbie
We use to have the 4th party,,,I cried alot this years too.. I also have a hard time being happy for my nieces...I wish I could but I get so down when they are around...you are not alone here...we are here together...((hugs))
You are correct in knowing that you will never be able to make sense of not having your beloved Jackie in your life as you so hoped you would. Your entire way of being is in flux in this moment and that is how it needs to be for now. I remember reading in one of my grief books that, \"We cannot heal what we don\'t allow ourselves to feel.\" You are feeling your way into healing and it takes every bit of energy that is given to you daily... I know...
The second year for me was very painful as Debbie mentioned because all the \"firsts\" I had navigated and somehow I believed that it had to get better. As she said the numbness, shock and denial are completely gone and the knowledge that your beloved Jackie is not with you in the way that you so hoped she would always be is what you are living with.
None of us are meant to live in acute grief for a lifetime and slowly, in time it won\'t feel as if you are wearing steel boots and wading through a river of cement. Without even knowing when or how the darkness begins to lift just a little and you will notice things that you have not before. For me, I heard the birds singing and felt the sunshine upon my face... such small things yet very signifcant and big for me. This is not for a unique few and will be yours too...
Hang on tightly my friend and we are all with you walking this path side by side. Remember, put on that miner\'s hat and and you only need enough light for the next step. May we all continue to be light bearers for one another by simply being here.
Please remember that there is nothing wrong with you and to be gentle with whatever you are feeling. Feelings are like visitors as they come and they go. It\'s only our perceptions that something is wrong about what we are feeling that creates angst. How could you not have those pangs with family members and seeing the young people move forward with their lives. I experience it too when I speak with Doug\'s friends and past loves. Oh, it hurts!!!
Loving care in abundance and so much understanding. I believe every mom that reads your journal today could have written it themselves at one time or another. I know I could have...
With YOU and I care,
Love and gentle hugs, Joanie
I understand exactly how you feel. How many times have I said to myself, \"When April took her life, she killed me, too\"? But I\'m not dead. I have a purpose. And so do you. I guess each of us has to come to terms with that individual purpose but it IS THERE. Of course you\'re happy for the joy of others, just so hard to FEEL happy, to let it sink in. And so unfair that these years when we should be reaping the benefits of being good mothers, when we should be seeing our daughters out in the world being the young woman we raised them to be, that we instead find ourselves with empty arms. But suicide is not rational, this is not the act of anyone whose mind is functioning properly. There was no intention to harm anyone, let alone you; there was only the intention of escaping the horror. And no, they can\'t talk about it, they don\'t see it as \"sickness\", they don\'t see any hope, that is the nature of mental illness. The sane mind, such as yours and mine (even though we have both been driven to the brink of insanity) CANNOT understand the intensity of illness or disease process that causes deliberate, permanent self damage such as our daughters inflicted on themselves. This was no \"cry\" for help, this was the last act of desperation. I think that my finally understanding this is helping enormously. Perhaps what was causing your daughter\'s headaches was actually structural, perhaps even a tumor, who knows. I saw my daughter changing before my eyes, very rapidly, on a daily basis. I knew it was hopeless. I was almost destroyed by it, I actually had made plans to end her suffering and mine, that\'s how sick I had become. It will take time, it will take God\'s help, and I think the horror will never totally go away. Stand fast. You will see her again in God\'s time, I know this without doubt.
jill
Losing a child is the hardest thing in the world for a parent...it never really makes sense. It takes so long to see that your life can have purpose again...allow time to heal this part. We carry our children with us forever and ache for them forever...but joy can return... It is a roller coaster and you really never know when the downward ride will come...just remember that UP is next and just hang on. Love and hugs...Karen
for me the 2nd year was the worst... mostly because I felt that people expect4ed me to be \'over it\' not that anyone said anything but I put a lot of shoulds on them, as I did myself... that is why I love my FMO sisters... no shoulds from you guys...
It will be 4 years in Sept. for me... better most days but still I don\'t understand why Jenn did n\'t get to be ehre to see her dtr married...I\'ll be a nut job if/when one of them has a baby...
Hugs, MaryLou
Hi Gail, it hasn\'t been very long for you since Jackie left for Heaven. Be gentle on yourself. It will be 3 years on September 4th since Eddie died and it is easier and lighter now but still...some days are very hard. You are doing the best you can and it is hard not to be bitter when i see other young people enjoying their lives. In reality I care...I want to be happy for others & I wouldn\'t wish this pain on anyone but I, all of us are human and much of life now is bittersweet. Tight hugs and love and just know you can let it out here. Linda
There\'s no making sense of any of it, or ever getting over it - but in the end we do learn to live with it, some days being better than others, and can move forward in life again. I think the second year is actually harder than the first - or at least for me, it was. By then the numbness had worn off some and the hard reality started to set in. I would give anything and more not to be on this journey but life is not the way it is supposed to be. It is the way it is - and it does get better. There is no timetable for grief - how ever you feel at any given moment is how you are supposed to feel....and that\'s okay.
But, hey, congratulations to your grand-daughter - and you! Gentle hugs xx
Dear dear one, that first year is really hard. And so is the second. I did not lose my son to suicide, however, he did kill himself. He took enough heroin so that he died. A part of me died the night they told me. You stay with us, you pour your heart out whenever you feel like it. You tell us how you feel. I promise it will help. I know you think it is not possible to imagine a day when the pain will not be so great. I remember. But it will happen. In the meantime, hang in there. Your journal entry really brought back the raw pain that I felt back then...I promise you. You will come to a peace about it, just give it and yourself time. Hugs, Belinda
Thanks everyone, I really needed to reach out and like always, you are there for me. It gets so confusing, There are moments when I still can\'t believe what she did. Not my daughter. But she did do it. And she did leave me and I know she didn\'t want to hurt me and that she loved me but, here we are, all of us, left behind and having to learn to live again. I\'m so glad I found all of you. We have been dealt such a horrible hand in life, so i am grateful that I have you, but I wish we all didn\'t need each other the way we do. I love you all, Gail XXXX OOOO