"I miss you kid & hope you know how much I love you"
My day started like any other Friday. I was getting ready for work and was logging in to check emails. I had loaded my favorite pic of my son Randy Lee & I onto my laptop as my background this week. I've been struggling with some things the past weeks and I just needed to see that each time I opened the computer. I stared at it for a few seconds and I felt the tears come. I said the above quietly to myself ... "I miss you kid & I hope you know how much I love you". Then as I always do ... not sure why but I said "I'm so sorry Randy Lee ... ". I still have that guilt that I'm the mom ... I'm supposed to "fix" things. I couldn't fix him.
I went on to read some Facebook posts when my phone rang. It was my work number. I answered and really just felt ill at the words ringing in my ears. I've mentioned on here before how I have a resident we support who reminds me so much of my son. I really struggle to keep boundaries in effect at times because of it. He took an unknown amount of meds this morning and left the apt. I had my shoes on and was flying out my back door before I think my husband realized what was going on. I located him and got him to the ER where I spent pretty much 11 hours with him. It got bad in the first 30 mins with him losing consciousness. Sitting there I felt my heart sink as I looked over and relived all those ER trips with Randy Lee. I had to take a break at one point because I could feel my emotions starting to come through and I couldn't do that there.
I'm not sure who I cried more for today -- him or Randy Lee. Maybe me. Addictions suck! I hate it. I hate what it does to the people we love. I hate what it does to young lives and promising futures. I hate what it does to family. I hate what it does to everything it touches. It's a cancer that eats away until all that's left is anger and frustration.
I closed my eyes praying for God to watch over him, to help him and that just made me remember that prayer all those years ago that still haunts me. When I cried out to God, I handed it over to him and asked him to stop Randy Lee's suffering. Death wasn't what I imagined ... but it was the result.
I have amazing co-workers & team members. Our jobs are often not rewarding in the sense of "being known" but more like warm fuzzy feelings. Today members of my team came in on their day off to check on him ... a co-worker supported me at the ER knowing how hard it was for me ... team members took on extra tasks to ensure everything was covered while we attended to him. All without being asked. I'm thankful for my team.
I don't know if we're placed in people's lives because it's what we need or what they need. I don't know if God placed this young man in my life as a reminder ... for me to help him ... or him in my life to help him see and change. I'm never going to know that. What I do know is we're in one another's lives. I care about everyone I work with but I can't deny that I care about him a tad more. He's special in the sense that he does remind me of Randy Lee.
I'm sitting here with tears running down my face. Maybe if Randy Lee had an outside party who was able to get him to hear the difference when I couldn't he'd still be here. I don't know. I know this kid gets to me ... he has an effect on me others don't.
If you're able, if you believe, if you could ... say a little prayer for him that somehow I'm able to reach him and he can make the changes he needs to save himself.
I went on to read some Facebook posts when my phone rang. It was my work number. I answered and really just felt ill at the words ringing in my ears. I've mentioned on here before how I have a resident we support who reminds me so much of my son. I really struggle to keep boundaries in effect at times because of it. He took an unknown amount of meds this morning and left the apt. I had my shoes on and was flying out my back door before I think my husband realized what was going on. I located him and got him to the ER where I spent pretty much 11 hours with him. It got bad in the first 30 mins with him losing consciousness. Sitting there I felt my heart sink as I looked over and relived all those ER trips with Randy Lee. I had to take a break at one point because I could feel my emotions starting to come through and I couldn't do that there.
I'm not sure who I cried more for today -- him or Randy Lee. Maybe me. Addictions suck! I hate it. I hate what it does to the people we love. I hate what it does to young lives and promising futures. I hate what it does to family. I hate what it does to everything it touches. It's a cancer that eats away until all that's left is anger and frustration.
I closed my eyes praying for God to watch over him, to help him and that just made me remember that prayer all those years ago that still haunts me. When I cried out to God, I handed it over to him and asked him to stop Randy Lee's suffering. Death wasn't what I imagined ... but it was the result.
I have amazing co-workers & team members. Our jobs are often not rewarding in the sense of "being known" but more like warm fuzzy feelings. Today members of my team came in on their day off to check on him ... a co-worker supported me at the ER knowing how hard it was for me ... team members took on extra tasks to ensure everything was covered while we attended to him. All without being asked. I'm thankful for my team.
I don't know if we're placed in people's lives because it's what we need or what they need. I don't know if God placed this young man in my life as a reminder ... for me to help him ... or him in my life to help him see and change. I'm never going to know that. What I do know is we're in one another's lives. I care about everyone I work with but I can't deny that I care about him a tad more. He's special in the sense that he does remind me of Randy Lee.
I'm sitting here with tears running down my face. Maybe if Randy Lee had an outside party who was able to get him to hear the difference when I couldn't he'd still be here. I don't know. I know this kid gets to me ... he has an effect on me others don't.
If you're able, if you believe, if you could ... say a little prayer for him that somehow I'm able to reach him and he can make the changes he needs to save himself.
Replies
You are an angel and I pray he hears you!!! Hugs, Kathy
That must have been very emotional for you...you were already feeling down, then to have to spend 11 hours in a hospital basically reliving the worst time of your life. You are a strong woman.