I MADE IT THROUGH.....
June 23, 2010: Well, I made it through the horrible week. It has been hard. I have been thinking about so many of my DS friends "making it through", too.
A cousin of mine, who I haven't seen in about thirty years, is coming to visit next week. Oh, we have kept in touch via Christmas cards, email, and now facebook. It will be awesome to see her! Anyway, she will be staying in Scott's room.
A few weeks ago I washed Scott's clothes that were hanging in the closet. I put them in clear plastic tubs. (another DS mom's idea) I hadn't put the tubs away until today. As I was re-arranging his closet, to make room, I found a single penny in the corner. I thought of the Penny's From Heaven poem. I do believe it was a sign from Scott. Just too strange to find a penny in the back of a closet! It made me cry. But, it also gave me comfort.
Lots of things in his room made me cry, today....his cologne, his deoderant, his pictures, and many other things. The pillow he died on is in his closet with the same pillow case that he loved. I just hugged it and cried. Oh, I know this may sound sick to some. Maybe it is. But, it is where I am right now. I don't know that I can ever wash that pillowcase!
For me, it is still baby steps. I still, after three years, feel crazy! I still cannot believe Scott is not here! I still cry nearly every day! I am always sad and missing Scott in spite of the joys I do have in my life! I guess I will just keep taking one breath at a time and see where it takes me..... :(
A cousin of mine, who I haven't seen in about thirty years, is coming to visit next week. Oh, we have kept in touch via Christmas cards, email, and now facebook. It will be awesome to see her! Anyway, she will be staying in Scott's room.
A few weeks ago I washed Scott's clothes that were hanging in the closet. I put them in clear plastic tubs. (another DS mom's idea) I hadn't put the tubs away until today. As I was re-arranging his closet, to make room, I found a single penny in the corner. I thought of the Penny's From Heaven poem. I do believe it was a sign from Scott. Just too strange to find a penny in the back of a closet! It made me cry. But, it also gave me comfort.
Lots of things in his room made me cry, today....his cologne, his deoderant, his pictures, and many other things. The pillow he died on is in his closet with the same pillow case that he loved. I just hugged it and cried. Oh, I know this may sound sick to some. Maybe it is. But, it is where I am right now. I don't know that I can ever wash that pillowcase!
For me, it is still baby steps. I still, after three years, feel crazy! I still cannot believe Scott is not here! I still cry nearly every day! I am always sad and missing Scott in spite of the joys I do have in my life! I guess I will just keep taking one breath at a time and see where it takes me..... :(
Replies
It all understandable. You love him, and you miss him. Crying is something that will happen time to time. It\'s natural. My hope is your family,d friends and God will help you through. I feel so sad for you or anyone when someone is taking away, especially your child.
As long as you don\'t beat yourself up. You are blameless. So as mention before, don\'t be cruel to yourself by even entertaining that thought.
Your Friend,
Jack
It will be great to see your cousin! After that long, wow! Make lots of memories:) If I had the cloths Nathan died in, I would keep them myself. It\'s just what some of us have to do to cope. I hate that Nathan is gone:( I\'m still so angry and lonely without him. One breath at a time, I like that. It\'s true. Love and hugs, Danette
My Dear, nothing a grieving mom does or doesn\'t do could ever sound even remotely sick. I have many things after 18 months that I just cannot face or deal with. I have held clothing and personal items of Chris\'s and sobbed for hours. It just doesn\'t seem real sometimes...and it hurts forever. I have accepted that, and when the tears and emotion flow I honor the memory of my precious boy, God how I miss him, and how we all miss our Angels.
Love and light, Rebecca
I am with rcoco you could do nothing that would sound sick. We all have done something that I am sure others would think is wrong. But we all grieve differently and we all have our ways of dealing with things. So you just do what ever you think and don\'t worry about what others think...Love & hugs, Connie
3 years, bless you, I have a hard time going into Morgan\'s room, her things are all there, and there they will stay, I love to hold her things, I guess in another 2 1/2 years, i\'ll still be holding them like you are now. peace to you,,Nora
We have to take comfort wherever we can get it after losing our children, it is not strange to do what your doing, we\'ve all done it. Enjoy your visit and I hope your days get better. Hugs and prayers, Lynette
yes, we all do hold onto whatever makes us remember our child. I have so much hanging in my closet of Brandon\'s. I have a trunks full of his things.....I cannot let them go. As long as I am alive they will be right here. We have every right to hold on and cry! God bless you. I am glad your cousin will be coming to visit. Love, dale...brandon\'s mom
We do what we have to, to get through. Comfort is taken where ever you can find it. You\'re not crazy just grieving and we are all doing that. It will be great to have a face to face with your cousin. Electronics are great but not the same as the real thing. Wishing you peace my friend Hugs Cathy
I\'m glad you are having your cousin come to visit, that will be so nice for you. Nothing you said sounds sick or weird to me. Just sounds like a mom who misses her son a whole lot! I love that you found a penny in the closet, something to let you know he\'s there with you. I\'m glad it gave you comfort.
Thats all you can do ... one breath one step at a time. It is absolutlety OK to NEVER wash Scotts pillow case. I sitll have Mitchells favorite comforter. After he and his wife were married they got a beautiful new bedroom set and of course all the new things to go along with it- but he always loved an old comforter of mine, After he got married he used it to cover up with when he was watching tv in their living room. I placed it- unwashed in a plastic bag and it is in his closet in his old bedroom. Every so often I go into his room and close the door and simply smell his comforter... it still smells just like him( he always used Lever 2000 soap and that is just what it smells like) I call it \" getting my Mitchell fix, and it is very special to me. Love you, Charlene, Mitch\'s mom
I think we all do the same things or similar things that you do. I go in the closet where Mike\'s clothes are hanging and just hug on them...trying to get the feel of his arms around me. I have many of Jeremy\'s clothes and things in tubs that I do the same with...and it\'s been 12 years. That physical connection that we all crave ...it\'s just tremendous.
Oh....the penny in the closet...sweet sign from Scott to comfort you and say hello. I do love the signs. They make me cry and smile and feel some comfort all at the same time.
Keep breathing...sending you love, Valerie
Ginger...you should know by now that nothing we do as grieving moms is \"crazy\"....at least not to us....we do what we do for ourselves...love to you...Karen
Enjoy your cousin my friend whatever gives you comfort is amazing and we need to do whatever we can to survive this take care my friend
We have a sweatshirt of Eddie\'s that still smells of his cologne & of him. Joshua & Christina, (my grandchildren, Eddie\'s kids), still pass it to each other to smell, then we carefully put it away as we cry & remember. There is nothing wrong it doing what keeps Scott close to you. truly a mesage, A Penny From Heaven. As Jack said you are not to blame for anything. You are doing as well as you can. i pray for your healing & more moments of peace. love to you. Linda :)
I\'m so glad you got through the week. Now take a deep breath and sign. Almost anything can trigger those tears and if you never wash that pillowcase it will never seem crazy to us. Enjoy time with your cousin. Much love. Robin