Holding it together?

I'm trying so hard to hold it together. I tell everyone I'm fine, actually great a times and put on smile.  But how am I really doing? The high I was feeling from listening to my latest song on the radio is fading and depression is creeping up on me again.  I've been handling my stress well, but I don't know how much longer I can hold it together.  I've become an expert at putting on a mask to hide how I'm feeling. But the danger in that is, sometimes I hide from myself.  I finally decided it was time to talk to my mother and tell her that I've been suicidal for a while now, more then my everyday usual.  I promised her after my last suicide attempt that I would.  I have suicidal thoughts all the time, it's part of my illness but I know I really need to tell someone when I start making plans.  Thankfully, not there yet. 

After talking to my mother I told her that I want my Christmas gift from her this year to be money to buy the rest of my family gifts because i can't afford it.  It will be depressing to not get anything from her but I'm officially in debt.  I can't get my credit card bill down.  I just had to pay close to another $1000 to get my car fixed.  I can't afford to keep putting so much money into getting my car fixed and i definetely don't have money for a new one.  I'm not going to magically get anymore money from disability.  I can't keep a job because I'm such a fuck up.  I'm trying so hard to not be one of those who says life sucks.