God, please ... I need a break.

let me start by saying I am not suicidal. I have no such plan. My heart Nedd to reunite with my son and for that to happen,  suicide is not the answer. 

I've had my share...and at times it feels like 10 fold my share over my life time. I just need a break. A rainbow in all the grey skies to just at least let me see a bright spot. 

13 years ago my heart and soul passed away. Randy Lee was 18 years old when he lost his battle with drugs/alcohol self medicating a mental illness.  Almost 5 long years of fighting him to get into recovery. A lesson I have since learned. Love alone can't save am addict and you can't force recovery. 

I honestly thought that was my lowest point. That my pain would never get worse. This year proved me wrong. 

It's been a rough year. I'm not really sure why but this past yaa was hard missing Randy Lee. Maybe because so many of his friends were having kids of their own. I am blessed to be "Momma Dee" to one of his best friends and now his sweet baby girl. Somehow that pang of Randy Lee not having a family aches. 

I know my sadness made me grumpy but I was not prepared for what happened in May. My boss called me to her office. She had to tell me she had just fired my husband. He had been working the developmental side of our agency. Sexual harassment against one of the staff. She cried telling me and I was numb. He left her office,  went home,  packed his clothes and took off. That simply told me thete was more to it. I later discovered she was scorned wanting a relationship with him so she wasn't fully honest that she played a party in it too. Never the less I would have fired him too. 

It was bad...still is. He actually chaste with a girl I know who works there too. I knew he had this craving for attention and chatted on line but this was so much more. It happened twice but that's twice toop much. My heart just broke 100 times I've reading the Notts where he made me out to be this terrible person. His story is he needed them to seer him as a victim to stroke his ego. To me ...it was just hateful. 

He's in therapy. I'm in therapy. He wants 6 months to show me hes changed. I'm not sure 60 months would be enough for me. I reluctantly agreed and now I'm miserable. I feel trapped. I can't stand to be around him at times. He wants to hold hands and cuddle. I'm just not there. I'm not sure I ever will be again. 

How do you move forward when your head keeps pulling you back to what he said and did? I'm the type of person who needs to process facts. He deleted all the chats so my mind goes directly to thete was more than he said. I can't move on. I don't have closure. I know me,  he can change 180 degrees and in still stuck. 

We took a ride north today.I wanted out of town for a few days. The last place I wanted to go and he knew it was ohio to see his family. Guess where we are? No plans, no hotel so we spent 4 hours driving 90 miles more looking for a place to stay. We are in one and I'm going to sound stuck up but this is not up to what I expect. I don't want to be worried about touching the floor and I'm sleeping clothed without blankets. Maybe I am a snob but this is not me. 

I'm so miserable I can't stand it. After 3 hrs of silence I tried to explain to him why is not working,  he won't talk,  etc. And I'm unrealistic. Ugh! I don't break my promised but I really don't think I can make it to December and keep my sanity. My heart is shattered and there wasn't much left to begin with.  Haven't I lost enough?

Sorry for typos. I'm on my phone.