Forever changed

Last week was the 12th anniversary of my son's angel date. It's been an emotiotnal 12 years, and the last few months have been a roller coaster for me. I sit here tonight knowing the little break I give myself each year at this time is over and I have to return to work, the face I put on for everyone and for the first time in years - I'm not sure I can do it.
I changed jobs after Randy Lee died. I had worked in elementary education for about 12 years prior to his passing but my heart just wasn't there. I worked with the "bad kids" - the ones who had issues and needed that extra attention. I loved it. I loved the challenge, making a difference and knowing more often than not I helped people realize they weren't "bad kids". I still have contact with a good many of "my kids" ~ some moved on to great futures, some had rough starts but they're not bad kids. 
I look at who I was then ~ I never seemed to have time to sit down. I always felt I was on the go, doing something ~ did I do too much and miss the early signs? Did I just not want to see them? or believe them? Was Randy Lee just too much like his mom that he had a good "game face"?. 
Now working in mental health and realizing most of the kids I worked with back then had some sort of MH issues ~ Randy Lee included. I knew Randy Lee did. I did everything short of screaming it from the rough tops ~ though there were times I loudly made my point known to people in the "system" who thought I was just an over reactive mom making a "mountain out of a mole hill". That one still angers me. I mean, why listen to the mom ~ why listen to the child? Randy Lee himself told so many of them that he was self medicating. That it was the only time he ever felt "normal". I guess after being told by so many "experts" he didn't have any issues he just stopped talking. It's that old "what if...." game we play in our heads that makes me wonder "what if someone had listened sooner?". Would the outcome remain the same?
Logically, I believe it would. After all ... I do honestly believe, both good & bad , things happen for a reason. I have tried to remain sound in my belief that there is truly a positive in each negative though that first year ... and a few after ...it took time to see it. Now ~ I have blessings I can attribute to Randy Lee. I know without a doubt there are people in my life today because of him. He had a hand it it ~ for both our sakes. Those little signs that make me smile ... sometimes cry ... most times ping my heart but let me know Randy Lee is still with me ~ just different now. He's different ... I'm different .... life is different. 
I've had many people tell me they are sure Randy Lee knew how much I loved him. That he knew my choices were for him. I HOPE that ... I WISH that .... I honestly can't say I know that, even now. My "bonus son" Jason told me during a conversation once that Randy Lee had told him he knew I did what I did because I loved him so much and that I was the best mom he could have had. That hit home for me and many times when I've remembered that conversation. Jason is one of those gifts from Randy Lee that I am truly thankful. 
This past year I've felt more than once that I'm treading water. So much has happened. More than once I have felt like I'm slowly losing "me" ... or at least what is left of "me". I'm not sure why but sadness, unhappiness has been to an all time high this last year. I mean, losing my child is reason enough to feel that way but it's different. 
Grief consumed me that first year. I basically gave up. I lived in my bedroom. Rarely talked to others and when I did it was all behind my mask. I took a stand, made a point to speak out in my community, I did all those things everyone needed. I became very good at hiding "me" from everyone I think I hid myself very well because I lost me. 
The anniversary last week .... having that issue w/ the allergic reaction to a med ... so recently the young girl in the community dying ... so many issues at work ... feeling disconnected ... and on and on. Maybe it's not just one thing ... maybe it's everything. Maybe it's nothing. Maybe ... I don't know. Which is a horrible feeling for me to admit because I am a control freak. I have to know how it ends - I have to know what if and why, I have to ... I just do. 
How do you explain to those close to you what's wrong when you don't know ... or understand? How do you go to work where so many people count on you and you can't think of what day it is? How do you just run away from life ... when you know logically you can't run or escape any of it. How do you know you want to disappear so much it scares you?
Maybe it will all just fade away. Maybe it's just all the things rolled into one. Maybe it's just missing Randy Lee so much ... or having trouble recalling the sound of his voice ... or how his hugs felt ... or how beautiful his smile was ... but not how much I loved him. Never that ... that I always know ... I just wish I knew he knew that ...
I've started this writing about 4 times in the last week and I've hit delete each time. I've done that a lot. I type -- i just let it all flow out but in the end saying it is all I needed ... it just needed aired. 
Back to work tomorrow ... maybe the distraction will "fix" it. All I know is I keep changing. Just when I think I'm in a place where I'm "okay" ... it still changes. Change isn't always good ... but I guess it's not always bad either.... it's just different.