fallingt apart
Well I woke up today. I feel like I am falling apart. I had resigned myself that James Robert had died of an OD. I was slowly coming to terms with that. Now, even though I am very very glad to know he didn't die of an od, I am adrift in a sea of pain. God how I wish I could crawl into a hole and hide to get away from this pain. I keep coming back t why why why. What could I have done or said to prevent his death. Nothing helps. This news just threw me back into the sea of pain, not knowing what happened. There is nothing more than I wish I could have been with him on his last night. I wish I had more time with him. I wish I wish I wish. I could fill up a ton of pages with I wish's. Why does it have to hurt so bad? Why did he have to die? They found some THC (weed) in his body and I know he was using it to help with the pain. I also know THC never killed anyone. So why my baby? What happened that last night? Was he in pain, agony? Why why why. It feels like my heart has been ripped open again. Yesterday was april fools day. James loved that day. He was always so full of fun.
I really appreciate all of you here. Thank you for your understanding and caring. Thank you for a place that I can put all my feeling down and no one pokes fun at me or says I am not normal. I am sorry that I can't help anyone else at this time. I wish I could be helpful to those that need it. But honestly, I cant see past this pain. hopefully one day I can help others as you have helped me.
I really appreciate all of you here. Thank you for your understanding and caring. Thank you for a place that I can put all my feeling down and no one pokes fun at me or says I am not normal. I am sorry that I can't help anyone else at this time. I wish I could be helpful to those that need it. But honestly, I cant see past this pain. hopefully one day I can help others as you have helped me.
Replies
Angela, I feel like my heart is ripped too, going back to those early years with you. Waiting for the reason why is ever so hard and when you find out why it doesn\'t help either. I remember waking up every morning and I would say to myself, \"Josh is still dead.\" For a year or two, I HAD to do this! I don\'t remember when it stopped. I told every body who would listen that my son had died. Then I realized the grocery or drug store personnel had more customers to help. It was horrid, awful, unrelenting... and it takes a long time to put it behind you (if that is possible.)
A couple months after Josh died, my husband was reading an AARP magazine and showed me an article on For Mom\'s Only. This was the only thing that helped me was coming here. One of the reasons I stay on here is to give hope to other moms that it won\'t ever be as raw, painful, and harsh, not that it ever goes completely away...
Keep breathing and for now baby steps,
Leda
Wow...I am so, so sorry...there are days when I feel like I am being torn apart too. It has been over 2 months for me and I still haven\'t even gotten a death certificate because the Medical Examiner is waiting on toxicology reports to determine a cause of death...she shot herself!!! The biggest complaint is I can\'t get her personal things, namely her cell phone. I need to see her last texts
I am so sorry, please just hold on tight and ride it out. There are so many bad, bad days...but some days aren\'t so bad...
Angela, I\'m so, so sorry. Not having answers and wondering what we could have done to save our sons is going to be so hard and follow us for the rest of our lives. I have no answers and no words of wisdom -- just know that you are not alone and you have support and love from those of us out here who understand the devastation from losing a much loved child.
{{{HUGS}}}
Peace on this journey!!!
Angela, my heart breaks for you and I am so sorry. I have said the same thing wondering what could have been if I would have just been more alert to Jeff\'s symptoms and talked him in going to the doctor. I wish I had some answers for you and words that would help you on this awful journey. Just know that every Mom here knows how you feel and we all love you. Hoping for you some peace.
Nell
The tightest of heart (((hugs))) during such a painful time. Fill and surround yourself with anything that may bring a moment of comfort as it is sorely needed when life feels this way...
I understand and walk along beside of you.
Loving care,
XO Joanie
I went through the why\'s and the what it\'s and after that it was like PTSD. It takes time to get to the point that you do not ask yourself these questions as much. It is very hard right now, I had to wait for the ME it took months to get a death certificate etc.
Keep putting one foot in front of the other, waking up each day is a challange.
Hugs Penny
It\'s a never ending vicious circle, we ask why, and then when we receive the answers, it doesn\'t change anything. I had to stop myself because I would have driven myself crazy. You did the best you could, he knows it and he knows how much you love HIM. Sending you hugs, love, strength and prayers. Lynette - Matthews mom