I suppose I have been depending on Facebook too much when I am needing to pour my heart out. I am scaring my mother and I should come here instread where people understand. She worries incessantly, yet I have a hard time understanding how she doesn't see the hypocrisy in it. She is afraid I will either kill myself or somehow grieve myself to death. I understand the loss of a child, in a terrible, horrible way...yet she tries to tell me Cassi is still here with me and I should, in so many words "cheer up". I have not said this to her yet, but I want to ask if that would be a comfort to her if something happened to me???
As much as she loves me and worries about me, she just doesn't understand. How could she??? Or anyone that hasn't experienced it???
Facebook isn't always good for me anyway. I see photos of big, happy families...everyone posts the best pictures of the happiest times and it makes me feel even more alone, unhappy. My daughter is all I think about, so all my posts are of her and therefor of her absence...my family and "friends" just don't understand.
Other grieving moms, later on in the journey, promise it will get better. It has been a year and a half...I know I am still relatively new to this, and I do have moments of clarity, peace...maybe even rare glimpses of happiness, but, ohmygoodness, the pain, loneliness, hopelessness are still so strong and ever present. Thank you SOTHS, for always being here, offering encouragement and true understanding. At lease I have our retreat to look forward to, right???
As much as she loves me and worries about me, she just doesn't understand. How could she??? Or anyone that hasn't experienced it???
Facebook isn't always good for me anyway. I see photos of big, happy families...everyone posts the best pictures of the happiest times and it makes me feel even more alone, unhappy. My daughter is all I think about, so all my posts are of her and therefor of her absence...my family and "friends" just don't understand.
Other grieving moms, later on in the journey, promise it will get better. It has been a year and a half...I know I am still relatively new to this, and I do have moments of clarity, peace...maybe even rare glimpses of happiness, but, ohmygoodness, the pain, loneliness, hopelessness are still so strong and ever present. Thank you SOTHS, for always being here, offering encouragement and true understanding. At lease I have our retreat to look forward to, right???
Replies
Dear Gina: Cassie has been gone only a year and a half such a sort time. I think it was around 3-4 years I was so messed up I had good days and bad. . ((grief is a life time journey)) How could we ever forget our kids, but life does go on and your life will fall more into place again it will not be constant turmoil going on. I is nice you have your mom and sister . I just had my sister and m e. I still felt so empty. I can,t go to that retreat . m y swet Heidi has cancer she has about a year to live or less so i don,t want to be one. plus I have high anxiety I can,t leave my confort zone. and I hate humid heat. . I hope you have a peaceful week end. Bless your angel Cassie big warm hug and love Mary Ann.
I am friends with many of Doug\'s friends on Facebook and I have found that I ge t alot of love and support from them most of the time. Family, not so much. I am six years into this journey and from my perspective I can say there will always be ups and downs, not always so pervasive and upfront, but always there to some degree. I would say I am functioning better than I was at your stage of the journey, but I\'ve been having a real difficult time picking myself up since my double whammy in April - angelversary and Doug\'s birthday. I have times when I think yes, I can do this, I will survive, and other times when I am on my knees saying I can\'t do this anymore, I just want to crawl into bed and snuggle by dog. This will be your first retreat, I remember having mixed emotions and needing time to process. But most of all the retreats offer such a feeling of love and understanding. Sue xo
It\'s just something that can never be explained to \'outsiders\', isn\'t it? I think about Charlie all the time, Gina, just like you think about Cassi. I\'m just tired of being sad all the time. I will always miss him, always love him & always wish he were here. I KNOW these feelings will NEVER go away. Our best hope, I guess, is that we learn to cope with our losses better as time goes on...
Sending love, hugs & lots of hope for tomorrow,
Donna
Hi Gina. I so understand. My husband gets very upset when I have my down times. Today is a good example. We are at my son and dil\'s house. It is a 3 hour drive here. I often get in a blue funk when I am not focused on something - riding in the car is often where I start to think about Lisa - we drove that highway together so many times. The tears flow. It is 5.5 years. I have happy times but I know I will always have the downs too.
As for the happy families; I too get bummed out at times. I tend to go past those posts on FB very fast. It does hurt. I am mostly happy for the happy people but it is a bit like rubbing salt in my wounds.
I tend not to post much personal stuff on FB; I just repost sayings etc.
Things get better but never never do we \'get over it\'.
Love and tight hugs,
Marlene
Morning sweetie! I just rejoined FB within the last year. I\'d tried in the beginning of my nightmare, but it was NOT for me. At that time in my journey, FB seemed silly, pointless, and a waste of time. I needed \"meat\"! I need to pour my heart out to moms who understood the pain I was trying to explain. I found that need met here, NOT on FB.
Several of my dearest mom friends were on FB and LOVED it. They each expressed the love of \"hiding\" or \"escaping\" into their worlds of \"farmville\" and other such \"nonsense\" as I saw it at the time. To each their own for sure!! Where some needed to escape, I need to plunge in deeper and deeper to figuring this \"new normal\" out. I\'m not one to \"postpone\" anything.....I\'m more a jump first, look on the way down\" kindda gal. (which usually bites me in the ass!)
But now, at this time in my life, I\'m fully enjoying FB! I love the \"silliness\", I love reading all the inspiring quote....and really love the funny ones. And though I\'m still not a game player, I find myself on FB often....more so than here.
This is my truth today. Today I\'m happy, feel vibrant, and am loving my life. I want to share with all the moms my joy because I always want to give hope to those who can\'t possible see any hope. And trust me, I\'ve been there. And I know if I can \"make it\", anyone can!!
But, truth is, I cannot be the same voice for the moms of FMO that I once was, I\'ve changed. I cannot read every journal every day and comment, and send hugs on every birthday and angel day. And that\'s OK. FMO is NOT Teri, and Teri is NOT FMO.
What I can do, and what I do and will continue to do, is run here when I need to \"get real\" with whatever heartache or fear or deeply troubling situation I may be facing, because it\'s here where I find comfort and strength and encouragement.
I use FB for my happy go-luck silly self and FMO for my \"OMG, y\'all ain\'t gonna believe this shit\" stuff! I\'ve found the balance that works for ME. And that, I believe, is what we all need to do in every area of our lives....find our own unique, healthy balance!
I love ya girl! You pour your heart out here and we promise to listen and care and support you, period. Then you pop on FB if and when you want and post something ridiculous that will make us all laugh til we pee our pants!!
As a matter of fact, I\'m going to post a journal now that NO WAY I could post on FB!
You hang there beautiful! You\'re doing this shitty job exactly right!!!
I agree with the separation of FMO and FB. I could never post on FB what is on here and I also agree that FB can be hard to see everyone have such fun. I am on it only because Jennifer made me a place and I honor her by continuing to live in this world. FB is such a part of live now. Marissa did not even know FB as she is gone 9 years this month. I will never get over missing my girls, but Teri you are right, we have to live and do it for them.
Vibes of healing and peace, Kathy
Gina I understand how posting on Facebook is so different than here at FMO. I am on Facebook but do not post the same kind of comments such as I post here. You are right....most other people just do not relate to our deep pain & feelings. I am so thankful that FMO is a place of non judgement, deep understanding, love & support.
Looking forward to meeting you at the retreat this year!
Hugs....Vicki
Both are different indeed and wherever you can find some understanding and comfort is where I suspect you land for that time.
Your mom is on heightened alert and saying the kinds of things I know I said to my mom when she lost her son, my brother. I did not know her anguish and sorrow and was terrified of losing her, so I said just those same kinds of things that your mom is saying to you. The only difference is that I did come to understand and could make my amends for simply not knowing. She held me in her arms and said she had so hoped neither of her daughters would \"ever understand.\"
Gentle care as you grieve and make your way as you are dear Gina, You are among women here who understand the language of grief, loss and one day finding hope in the midst in their own way and in their own time.
Loving care,
XO Joanie
I too am looking forward to retreat and I hope to see you there.
This is still so new to us. The first year is kind of a fog to me..it zoomed and crawled by at the same time. I am just now starting to feel a little joy once in a while..I still feign happiness most of the time because I am sick of telling people how crappy I still feel...God protect anyone the dared to day cheer up to me. You are breathing and that alone is a feat. Love, Lauri
Gina, tragically you now belong to a different world where a different language is spoken and where things that are \"taboo\" in their world are acceptable and discussed here. I can understand your Mother\'s fears and her attempts to share her beliefs and hopefully \"snap you out of it\". She is so ill-equipped to understand as we all were before our children died.
I am at 2 years, 4 months and 2 weeks into this lifelong hell without my son. Not much further than you however, with absolutely no effort on my part, things have changed. For me it happened about the 2 year mark and somewhat overnight, I became slightly more comfortable in my grief. I absolutely am not at peace nor am I happy but I function throughout my days doing what is necessary and more often than not now I do not shed any visible tears. Yes, I am still broken and if I were to admit it, I am only faking what society demands. Yet, now, I am able to fake it.
Forcing it will not work. Allowing yourself the time and space to grieve and vent here, where we understand, will gently move you to where you will notice a subtle change and be ok with the change. I promise.
(((tightest of hugs))) Merrilee
Your still early in this journey, if FB messes with your head and need a break just disable it. When you are ready turn it back on.... My daughter did this because reading about happy happy and friends were in a good place. Her life is upside down, single mom no support except Hubby and Me. She just moved out and now on her own again, new struggles financially.
My first 3 years were awful now 6.5 yrs into this journey it is a little easier, I can do FB I do not write but do read and keep up with pictures of grandkids on west coast of FL and next door neighbors summer pictures from Montana etc..
Keep it hear for a while get your healing this is a safe place to fall, rant and just get real advise.
Sending tight hugs
Penny
I understand what you are going through with your mom, because I have a similar problem with my mom. She is a \"drama queen\", always the \"victim\" in every situation wich often never affected her directly at all. I love her, but only from a distance. Because people like my mom cannot understand the devastating pain of loosing a child, their \"good intentions\" often become crippling blows to an already broken heart!
You are a very loving mom, and deserve gentle loving care and understanding, my friend. Take good care of yourself!
Big hugs! xxx
Teri summed it up so well. Facebook is a place to connect, keep track, see some of the birthdays or angel dates but not get into the gut wrenching feelings. That is just too much info for people who have not experienced what we have. FMO is our safe place and we can feel safe to \"bare it all\" to our sisters who understand and can offer empathy. You are loved and probably better understood here. This is all a long tedious journey but we walk it together hand in hand, heart to heart...love and hugs...Lynn
I have not gone on FB for a couple weeks. I am too busy with researching and living FIANLLY! Keep coming here for the real connections... Sending love!
Sweet Gina, I keep my FMO stuff nearly completely off of FB. I know what you mean. I am the eldest of 6 girls and it is constant new pictures of the little nieces and nephews. My son and his g/f, Shannon, are expecting their first child in October and this has been chiefly kept off of FB as well. And I intend to keep my granddaughter\'s image off of FB and have asked my son to do so. I have a sister who posts pictures of her sons every day. I kid you not, every day. Every thing they do, say, get off the bus, eat blueberries etc. I click them off. Yes, I want to see occasionally, but your everyday amazements are not very interesting to me LOL! When I have a \"biggy\" to share, I come here, to women who understand. Gina, do not despair about the year and a half thing. I don\'t think I came back to life until year three. There is no time line, but I know that those 1st two years, I was a walking zombie.