I feel lost and lonely today and very restless. I keep doing deep breathing trying to maintain some sort of calm. I feel like curling into a ball and crying but I can tell that I am back to the "no tears will come" stage. The unit I am going into is too far from the office to jump on their wifi. I am not sure how well I am going to function or whether I can with no internet. I'm trying to keep the costs to a bare minimum until I see how this is going to go. Sadly, it's pretty much been my only form of entertainment. I'm having trouble even forming my feelings into thoughts right now. I'm sure it is just anticipation. I want it all to be over with and I have zero patience. I still have so much anger towards him..it is almost overwhelming at times. I just need to make it through the rest of this day. I am hesitant to keep reaching out to friends...I don't want to become that needy person where people roll their eyes and think...oh crap...her again. I just need to suck it up and deal with my new reality. It's only really different in my head. If I really think about it I have been alone for many years...this is just a formality. I reallllyyy wanted to go get smokes last night...I didn't, but I really wanted one. It's been 157 days today. I have this horrible feeling of doom like a knot in my chest that won't let go. Why does everything have to be such a struggle with no end in sight?