Back to Reality

I'm back from my Euro trip. It was amazing, it was something I did for myself. It was relaxing, entertaining and I maintained control throughout the 12 days. But now I'm back and I find it both sad and halarious how short of a time it took for me to have all those crappy feelings come back. 

The same day I arrived, my brother broke his arm -my fault-, a family member died, and my overthinking head would not stop. To start with my brother, I went to pick him & his friends up from the mall (he's 11) and I had called him about 5 minutes before I arrived, told him to wait by the door, but stay inside until I called him to come out. I arrived I called a cop was there telling me to not stop here or I'll get ticketed etc. So I called him again told him to hurry up. So finally 10 minutes later I see him and he's running to the car and trips over a small hole in the ground. He has what they called "Multiple Complex Fracture" basically translating into two fractures in the area between the elbow and the sholder. Typically what the would do is insert some rods to hold the bones in place, but since he's still growing, the dr said it's not a good idea because it can affect the growth, so he said put him under move the arm so fractures are in place and put a heavy cast. And so that's what they did. Typically I'd say, he's a child, he'll hopefully heal and life goes on. But this time, it's my fault. I feel it. He believes it -and said it- everyone else believes it too. They say it -in a joking way- but we all know there's a little bit of truth behind every just kidding. So yeah. I feel guilty as fuck. I'm exhausted. And I hate this. 

As for the overthinking, well ever since I truly sobered up I'm back to thinking about the fight with my dad, about the seeing my therapist. Should I lie, say I stopped going? I did tell them I only went three times and that was a while ago, so I could always say that I didn't go again. This however, puts me at risk. If they EVER find out that I am lying and that I've been going after they specifically told me that they NEED to know, it will be bad. REALLY BAD. But as long as they know, I'm going to be freaking out. I'm not going to be comfortable. I'm gonna have it in the back of my head that they'll find a way to figure it out. Today I was driving with my mom for the funeral (it's 3 days) and it was the first time just the two of us and she said we need to start fresh. Going forward, no more hiding stuff from us. I told her I hid it because I didn't know if I was going through with it. That I only went a couple times and don't think I'm gonna keep going. Her response was why? Why are you going? I said that it was becaise clearly I'm not OK. You're telling me I'm aggressive, I'm not happy so I went because I don't know what to do. The thing is I can't tell her why. I don't want to tell her why. The reason has to be something reasonable, but at the same time I can't give her much. i want to keep seeing R because it has helped. But I can't do that knowing my parents know and WANT to know everything. They want to know what I talk about, they want to know why I'm going. I don't want to fucking tell them. Like I want to be like, fine you know, let me be, let me see her, don't interfere. You said you want to know. You know. But I don't want to share what I'm saying, why I'm going, I'm just not comfortable with that. But I can't. And honestly if it comes down to it. I think I'll stop going. I'll stop seeing the therapist. I really rather that than have them up my ass after every session or whenever. They can't know. And if that means I have to stop seeing her, then maybe I should. I'm already fucked up and having my parents know, that's a disaster that I honestly can't handle. It's a disaster I don't want to deal with. I just can't.