autopsy report

Well I finally got the autopsy report.  It was a horrible read.  I couldn't read it all the way through.  It broke my already shattered heart, which I thought impossible.  I am hurting so bad right now.  I don't know which way is up.  It almost makes me glad I didn't go and see him after he died.  It made it all so real, stark and harsh.  I don't know if I will ever be able to go back and finish it.  My tears won't stop.  I want to hide in bed.  
 
There has been so much bad news lately that I don't feel like I can stand any more. I just don't want to get up in the morning.  Sleep is the only way away from the pain.  I don't think it will ever get any better.  It has been 6 months 4 days.  
The tears I cry don't help.  The desolation in my soul is absolute.  The sun might as well be rain.  There is nothing to light my way in this world and I am lost, blind and freezing cold.  How, do I go on?  What did I do to deserve my baby being taken from me?

Replies

deleted_user
deleted_user

Oh dearest SOTH, You did nothing to have your baby taken from you! I know the sadness and tears only too well. Sigh. I am holding you and together we continue on....inch by inch. I am sending you love and hugs! Debbie
Jasons1mom
Jasons1mom

And breathe... one breath at a time, one heartbeat at a time. I understand your need for the autopsy report, I requested, and received the autopsy report for Jason. Put yours away. You have it, it\'s not going anywhere. Maybe, just maybe the day will come when you want to read it to be able to fill in some of the blanks, maybe not. It\'s ok.
Jason died 16 months one week and five days ago. I stand here to tell you that I was where you are. Thoughts of not going on, YOU BETCHA!
The pain changes, your ability to function in the pain changes just as surely as you wake up every morning.
The pain will become less overwhelming, I promise. That\'s part of the living with it.
In the meantime, let the tears flow. Do what you need to do even if that means sleeping for a week. Scream until you are horse. Cry until your eyes swell shut and you fall asleep exhausted. It\'s OK.
You did nothing to deserve having your child taken from you. NONE of us did although I bet most, if not all of us have asked that same question, and I still do some days. Your life has been shattered, nothing is as it was and as you maneuver this journey, you are not alone. Remind yourself of that often and find a sliver of strength in that fact.
And when you can, come here and reach out. The good, the bad and the ugly.
And remember to breathe...
Tight hugs and gentle whispers... Merrilee
laura555
laura555

You don\'t deserve the pain and suffering you are going through. None of us do. Sleep when you need to and get through the worst pain that way. I\'m the opposite and can\'t sleep! There are obviously no good answers regarding how to get through this. All I can say is we have to do so for the rest of those we love. They deserve not to lose another person they love. That\'s what keeps me waking up and putting one foot in front of another. I feel your pain and wish you peace. Laura
Livingjuicy
Livingjuicy

You did the wisest and kindest thing you could for yourself by putting that report away and not reading it. It is not something that you must do only if and when you feel a need to.

You are so very new on this path and the rawness of it all is totally consuming and all powering. The only thing I do know and that I have discovered is that with time it becomes something we learn how to carry and live with. It does not lessen, yet somehow we become stronger as one of our dear moms Sarah (HeartsandHands) described not long ago in a journal that she shared.

I understand that this seems impossible to believe at this time, yet if there are some shreds of hope and some faint glimmers to hold onto I hope that you trust it will be for you too.

Loving care and so much understanding,
XO Joanie
rememberChelsea
rememberChelsea

I don\'t really have any words. The only reason I go on is because I have a 20 year old son that I love dearly and I could not do that to him But I have had to be medicated and drunk to even breathe it feels like I am going to have a heart attack and I wish that I would but I don\'t I\'m so angry all the time and I lash out on the people I care about but I can\'t stop myself then people ask me how I am doing I want to scream out how the f***do you think I am doing my baby is dead at 18 years old she had her whole life in front of her and she was excited about it as far as reading any reports that will not be happening it is bad enough I watched half a report on the news about her death I had to run out of the room don\'t put yourself through that kind of pain you have enough already I hope you know that you are not alone I\'m here and I need you hopefully as much as you need us (the group) don\'t give up or quit
Missinglisa
Missinglisa

I could not read the hospital chart, or the report of the expert witness. I began to, but it was too horrendous. I will never read another word.
I too am glad you put it away. You have it if in the future you feel the need to read it.
I agree with the other moms. Do whatever you need to get through. And as Merrilee said, breath. One breath at a time. Grief is exhausting so if you need to sleep, then do it.
If you have a grief group in your area, you might want to try it. Some people have really benefited by groups such as Compassionate Friends. You will find what works for you. I did a lot of crying, swearing, asking \'Why me\". The moms on FMO kept me going.
So come here as often as you want or need to and know that you are not alone on this horrific journey.
Love and hugs,
Marlene
NoraMc
NoraMc

you don\'t have to read any of that report,,,, you have it,, put it away..... do you lite candles in the evening? I have a candle in front of Morgan\'s picture that I like to lite especially on sunday night..... it brings a shine to her and lite to a very dark room.. maybe some light to your life... love ya!
PLA58
PLA58

I did read the report of my son. It did confirm what I thought, it was very hard to get through. It did not change a thing my son is still gone. I was at work when they emailed it to me, after reading it I ended up in one the the Dr\'s I work for office crying. He did come in to see if I was ok and listened to me when I could talk. I know I was very lucky that he was a compassionant person. He has stopped and helped me through very difficult time to date.

That is just my expirience it isn\'t the same for everyone. You will find the courage or you may never read the report which is perfectly fine.
sending special hugs your way
Penny
biowoman
biowoman

6 months seems like an eternity...but it is really so recent. I remember one mom told me that 5 years is a short time! My Alex has been gone 7 years...and those early months and years were so, so hard. I remember feeling like my tears were coming from my very soul. I never knew such sorrow before losing my boy. I know you are probably tired hearing us say it changes, it gets better...but it does. One moment at a time my friend. One thing I have learned is that I know when it is time to do certain things. There was a time (for me) that I wanted to ride to the accident site...another time I wanted to drive the way the driver came when she hit him...another time I sat in the parking lot of the hospital. AND, I read the autopsy report...but you do not have to read any more...do what your heart leads you to do. We are here with you...love and hugs...Karen
MomofJosh
MomofJosh

If you just want to lie in bed, then just do that. This is such a recent and most devastating loss and it seems like the world should just stop along with us. Gradually, ever so gradually it gets a little better. I remember in the second year, I actually laughed while playing with my dog. Not a social laugh because people expected that but a laugh that came from me heart and soul. It will soon be 5 years for me and I want to share that it does get better. Just breathe and hang in there.
jmk1973
jmk1973

There is nothing I can say, that our dear soth hasn\'t already said. Just know that we are here, when you need us. We understand, as much as possable and we care. That report is something no mom should have to read. Just so horrific.....

((((HUGS))))....Julia
babiboismom
babiboismom

Hugging you with all my might.
CFMOM2
CFMOM2

Our children are not coming back and we just have to live our new normal. The only way we can is one breath at a time. Each day we will put one foot in front of the other to do whatever possible on this journey. I pray for peace for you and all of us. Kathy
annsullivan
annsullivan

{{{HUGS}}}
RememberKala
RememberKala

I\'m sorry my friend. Truly, deeply....

Kala\'s autopsy report remains unopened. I have no desire or need to read it. It could never change the outcome, and I fear would only add to the heartache.

I pray your heart finds comfort~~