AnxietyFreak and the battle of the What ifs....

It’s been quite a while since I have been back here…hard to believe I haven’t written a journal in months.  It’s been a year now since Steve and I split..hard to even put into words all the different stages of change.  The oddest thing to me is that I lost the overall desire to journal and record my progress…or lack thereof.  I know that my life has changed a lot in the last year..but how do you lose that habit that had been years in the making so quickly?

Somewhere in the back of my mind was the slim hope that most of my anxiety issues were due to the toxic relationship that I was in and that after I was out of it for a while my anxiety would just fade away.

Newsflash:  the anxious mind will just find other things to worry about.  Most recently it appears to be my back.  I have been having more pain than usual in my lower back.  I have rods in my upper back from scoliosis that have been there since I was 12.  My neck and lower back take more wear and tear because of the lack of motion where the fusion is.  It’s probably just a combination of getting older and maybe some strained muscles but somewhere in my head is always the fear of becoming unable to care for myself.  What if….  Those two words are an anxiety freaks worst enemy.  What if…it’s something more serious happening?  What if….I can no longer work and have no one?? 

And the big question is…why do our brains have to grab the negative what ifs?  Why is it, for so many that are always playing the what if game, that it’s always a bad thing?  Once upon a time, I used to play the what if twist…where for every negative what if I acknowledged, I had to come up with two positives to outweigh the negative.  What if I got back to that???

What if…every day there was a rainbow???  What if…Unicorns were REAL??? 

What if…I had a dollar for every time I played what if in a negative context?????????

What if….I actually got my shit together and started writing in my journal again?

In spite of myself…I recently met someone.  We have been dating for a month now…and have been together every weekend.  So far it has been amazing and I am trying to just enjoy and live in the moment and NOT play the ‘What if’ game where he is concerned.  The weekends have been like little mini vacations since he lives an hour and a half from me.  He has his own house so it’s also been a break from my shitty little noisy apartment….Which my dog appreciates.  I’m trying to find a middle ground where I don’t worry about how this is going to go while not focusing on believing it’s just going to end badly. 

We took a ride out to Napa on his Harley this weekend.  Usually I’m so happy being out in the middle of nowhere...enjoying nature…and I trust him completely if something were to go wrong.  For the first time I had the thought…what if….I have a serious health problem such as a heart attack and we are nowhere near medical attention or cell service???  Really?????  This has never been a problem for me before…I DON’T want to be THAT girl!!!!!  So, I do the only thing I know to do and confess the issue and let him know I am having a problem in case I pass out from anxiety…which is probably more likely than the original fear.  He’s taking it pretty well….  I am sure there is nothing more unattractive than an anxiety patient who can’t rein in their crazy. 

Instead of berating myself for not being consistent in my journaling…I am going to pat myself on the back for this long ramble after such a long time.   ….may this continue….