Another holiday passed .... and this year tops it all
This is really a 2 part post so let me start with the less angry of the two.
I can't believe yet another holiday season is over without Randy Lee and yet another year is about to start where he's not here to brighten my days. Christmas is bittersweet for me now. My Grandma, my dad and Randy Lee all LOVED Christmas and all 3 are celebrating in the heavens without me these days. I treasure the memories and I tear up at some too ~ I'd much rather have them all here with me than to remember the past times instead of making new memories. I enter 2014 having it almost mark 11 years that Randy Lee passed away ~ I honestly can't believe that as I type it. There were times I wasn't sure I'd make 11 minutes, 11 days, 11 months without him and in less than 2 1/2 months is will be 11 YEARS. I just have to trust in God to know there is a reason .... for all of this, there is a reason.
I worked both Christmas Eve & Christmas Day - which I tend to do. It sort of makes it easier though some just don't quite understand me when I say that. I do psych rehab so being somewhere that others don't have family, cooking them a nice meal, bringing them together to break bread and receive a present makes me feel like I'm giving back for all the wonderful years I had not only as a child at Christmas but with my son at Christmas. I found myself humbled as I worked Christmas Day, feeling honest to goodness thankfulness for making it a better holiday than most had in some years. For that, I am blessed. My job was yet another path Randy Lee took me to. For years I worked for the Board of Ed in a job I loved helping "problem kids" but after losing him, it hurt too much. My heart wasn't there and you need it to be there for that job. Divine intervention lead me to the agency I work for now and I have no doubt that without Randy Lee's trials I would not do this job with the success I have ~ so, it's a Randy Lee gift to me and for me. It allows me the distraction I need somedays, it gives me purpose and I get to help others find their path to a better life. What a great reward.
My second part of this post is heart breaking to me but even more so, frustrating and anger filled. I really dislike feeling so much anger but I can't seem to see by it yet. I had a very dear friend for over 20+ years. We didn't always agree, there were times he gave the worst advice but I still loved him. I accepted him for who he was without question. Something he never did for himself. In the past months he's had some health issues that seem to change him. I honestly believe with all my heart they are mental health related however he doesn't believe that's an actual problem. "It's what people say when they don't want to deal with real life". He's had every test known to man, been to dozens of Drs and specialist who are all now poiniing him at mental health since all the results are negative for any other possible condition. I let him vent, I let him cry, I let him be angry, manic, sad and I did it all wthout judging him. This past week he went beyond what even I can forgive. He lashed out in the most vile, disturbing, hateful way and I find myself knowing I can't unhear his words. I will get past the anger, I will get past this initial "hate" but I can't ever get past what he did to our friendship. I guess in the end we really weren't the friends I thought because I don't ...I can't understand how you can turn on someone like that. He felt because I worked on both Christmas Eve and Christmas Day and didn't rush to his side to I dont' know what that I didn't support him or care. He chided his brothers for not calling him first thing Christmas morning yet when they called, he didn't answer. He was invited to their homes, my home, cousin's homes all invites he chose not to accept in order to sit home alone then complain that no one loves him. He has a solitude life because he opted for that - he never allows anyone close to him. I was a fluke --- I still don't know how or why that happened. That's not even what I can't forgive - the horrible, nasty words about my son, his death, his struggle ---- even typing this I can feel my blood pressure rise yet I pity him. I don't wish him harm, I don't wish him even what he wants for himself I just simply can't have him in my life now. I know in a few days he will cool down and the typical "I'm sorry - be my friend again" messages will flow but not this time. I did that too many times but he has crossed a line.
I keep hearing my own words go through my head - "don't hate -- it just eats at you" - "don't feel hatred because the person you're upset with doesn't feel the pain, you do" -- "life is too short" .... it's all true. I beleive all of that.... but there's a deeper root here. I can forgive, I did it with my ex-husband ... doesn't mean you really forget. I just know I can't go back to seeing him in the light I saw him in before. I don't see the same person there now.
I'm sad about a friendship that lasted so long but it wasn't my choice. It is my choice not to continue it but to overlook this would mean not being true to myself, not something I can live with.
Do you ever wonder why some people lose the most precious gift a person could ever have while others seem to take, take, take and never really "pay" a price? I guess that's one the questions God can answer for me some day and it's not going to be "because you were strong enough to handle it". :) For each action, a reaction, for each decision, a consequence .... I'm too logical ...I need to know WHY????
So I'm about to welcome a new year with the rest of you just one friend short this year. I'm not so sad about the friend short as the fact that I feel this much anger. I didn't really go into the things he said because I'm not going to put it in writing to read again - he knows. Maybe one day he'll realize his own actions but somehow I doubt it.
I hope you all had the best holiday you were able to have in this "no one really wants to be here club" we have going on. I hope that 2014 brings you some peace, to be able to smile at a memory and have your angels grace your dreams. Happy New Year Friends. I'm going to work on letting anger go ....
I can't believe yet another holiday season is over without Randy Lee and yet another year is about to start where he's not here to brighten my days. Christmas is bittersweet for me now. My Grandma, my dad and Randy Lee all LOVED Christmas and all 3 are celebrating in the heavens without me these days. I treasure the memories and I tear up at some too ~ I'd much rather have them all here with me than to remember the past times instead of making new memories. I enter 2014 having it almost mark 11 years that Randy Lee passed away ~ I honestly can't believe that as I type it. There were times I wasn't sure I'd make 11 minutes, 11 days, 11 months without him and in less than 2 1/2 months is will be 11 YEARS. I just have to trust in God to know there is a reason .... for all of this, there is a reason.
I worked both Christmas Eve & Christmas Day - which I tend to do. It sort of makes it easier though some just don't quite understand me when I say that. I do psych rehab so being somewhere that others don't have family, cooking them a nice meal, bringing them together to break bread and receive a present makes me feel like I'm giving back for all the wonderful years I had not only as a child at Christmas but with my son at Christmas. I found myself humbled as I worked Christmas Day, feeling honest to goodness thankfulness for making it a better holiday than most had in some years. For that, I am blessed. My job was yet another path Randy Lee took me to. For years I worked for the Board of Ed in a job I loved helping "problem kids" but after losing him, it hurt too much. My heart wasn't there and you need it to be there for that job. Divine intervention lead me to the agency I work for now and I have no doubt that without Randy Lee's trials I would not do this job with the success I have ~ so, it's a Randy Lee gift to me and for me. It allows me the distraction I need somedays, it gives me purpose and I get to help others find their path to a better life. What a great reward.
My second part of this post is heart breaking to me but even more so, frustrating and anger filled. I really dislike feeling so much anger but I can't seem to see by it yet. I had a very dear friend for over 20+ years. We didn't always agree, there were times he gave the worst advice but I still loved him. I accepted him for who he was without question. Something he never did for himself. In the past months he's had some health issues that seem to change him. I honestly believe with all my heart they are mental health related however he doesn't believe that's an actual problem. "It's what people say when they don't want to deal with real life". He's had every test known to man, been to dozens of Drs and specialist who are all now poiniing him at mental health since all the results are negative for any other possible condition. I let him vent, I let him cry, I let him be angry, manic, sad and I did it all wthout judging him. This past week he went beyond what even I can forgive. He lashed out in the most vile, disturbing, hateful way and I find myself knowing I can't unhear his words. I will get past the anger, I will get past this initial "hate" but I can't ever get past what he did to our friendship. I guess in the end we really weren't the friends I thought because I don't ...I can't understand how you can turn on someone like that. He felt because I worked on both Christmas Eve and Christmas Day and didn't rush to his side to I dont' know what that I didn't support him or care. He chided his brothers for not calling him first thing Christmas morning yet when they called, he didn't answer. He was invited to their homes, my home, cousin's homes all invites he chose not to accept in order to sit home alone then complain that no one loves him. He has a solitude life because he opted for that - he never allows anyone close to him. I was a fluke --- I still don't know how or why that happened. That's not even what I can't forgive - the horrible, nasty words about my son, his death, his struggle ---- even typing this I can feel my blood pressure rise yet I pity him. I don't wish him harm, I don't wish him even what he wants for himself I just simply can't have him in my life now. I know in a few days he will cool down and the typical "I'm sorry - be my friend again" messages will flow but not this time. I did that too many times but he has crossed a line.
I keep hearing my own words go through my head - "don't hate -- it just eats at you" - "don't feel hatred because the person you're upset with doesn't feel the pain, you do" -- "life is too short" .... it's all true. I beleive all of that.... but there's a deeper root here. I can forgive, I did it with my ex-husband ... doesn't mean you really forget. I just know I can't go back to seeing him in the light I saw him in before. I don't see the same person there now.
I'm sad about a friendship that lasted so long but it wasn't my choice. It is my choice not to continue it but to overlook this would mean not being true to myself, not something I can live with.
Do you ever wonder why some people lose the most precious gift a person could ever have while others seem to take, take, take and never really "pay" a price? I guess that's one the questions God can answer for me some day and it's not going to be "because you were strong enough to handle it". :) For each action, a reaction, for each decision, a consequence .... I'm too logical ...I need to know WHY????
So I'm about to welcome a new year with the rest of you just one friend short this year. I'm not so sad about the friend short as the fact that I feel this much anger. I didn't really go into the things he said because I'm not going to put it in writing to read again - he knows. Maybe one day he'll realize his own actions but somehow I doubt it.
I hope you all had the best holiday you were able to have in this "no one really wants to be here club" we have going on. I hope that 2014 brings you some peace, to be able to smile at a memory and have your angels grace your dreams. Happy New Year Friends. I'm going to work on letting anger go ....
Replies
Grateful that you navigated the day as gently as you could by working and helping others.
It feels as if your friend\'s health issues have really affected his thinking and I\'m SO sorry that you were on the receiving end of a tongue lashing. That hurts terribly and I\'m hopeful that you will find the healing that you need for yourself within this. It will take time and feel the hurt and anger as you are so that when you are ready you can release it. Only you know your timetable and your heart.
Loving care your way and wishes for each of us to find those pocket full of peace and continued healing in 2014.
Heartfelt (((hugs))) and remembering Randy Lee and you.
XO Joanie
I am so glad that you took a few minutes to tell us about your day. It is our 7th Christmas without Alex...and like you I did not think I could ever make it this long...but here we are. Take gentle care of yourself and I am so sorry that this friend hurt you as he did...Love and hugs...Karen
I just happened to be looking through post and yours popped up, it really struck a cord with me. My grandpa absolutely loved Christmas it was the only time of year he was happy. He passed away Christmas morning about twelve years ago. This holiday has been especially hard because I lost my mom, my aunt and my husband father all at the beginning of the year. I am truly sorry that you have to go through the pain and miss your loved ones. I know its hard but you are obviously a very strong person. I\'m glad that you took time to tell us how your day went. I\'m go I read it it made me feel like others feel similar to me. I\'m also sorry about your friend. It sounds like he may have some serious mental issues that he needs professional help for. Maybe when he begins his sorry speech you could point out to him that his lashing out may be due to this. I have several mental and physical health issues and when you don\'t want to believe theres anything wrong its nearly impossible to others to convince you. Good luck with everything I hope you have a wonderful new year!