An Update

I went to see my therapist on Monday. Though I was terrified of being seen because I know it would end horribly, I'm glad I went. I did fall apart and started crying at some point and couldn't help myself, especially when I was talking about my parents and what my dad said during the argument. The fact that I need to tell them everything. It's really frustrating to feel like I'm so weak. To feel like I can't stand up for myself. It just adds pain to the darkness inside if me. Feeling stabbed by myself if that makes any sense. It's yet another reason I hate myself. I sometimes wonder is it lack of courage? Am I really that weak. Is it with everything? Or does it only happen when it's related to my family?

By the end of the session I knew what I was going to do next. I need to tell them I'm going, but I also need to lay down some ground rules. I don't want to discuss it. Ever. Not what I say during my sessions, not the reasons behind me going, hell I don't want to even dischuss when I go. I'm doing this for myself and I don't want interference. I know they're not going to like it. I know they're going to ask why I feel like I need to go, and for that I will lie. It's going to be as simple as this: "I feel like I need to work on myself. You keep telling I'm aggressive and you say I'm over emotional, well these are some things I'm working on." And my plan is to end it there. My worry is that they'll see right through it. That they will want to pick out who I talk to. But the thing is, it's taken me a while to get used to R, to be comfortable enough with her, to not be tempted to lie and hide things. Now, no matter how intimidated I am about being honest, about discussing things I want to avoid, things I thought I let go of a long time ago, I still want to go. I'm more comfortable going, I'm somewhat comfortable opening up. I don't know if comfortable is the right word, at least I can say that if I am going to discuss the difficult shit with anyone, at least for now, R is probably the one I would be okay to discuss them with. Don't get me wrong, it's still hard.
Now I'm just trying to figure out a way to tell my parents. That is my next step. I feel like I'm about to start a war. I wish it didn't feel like this. How do I approach this? Do I tell my kom alone? Do I tell my dad alone? Do I tell them together? What do I do? How do I begin it? What do I say? Should I ease them into it? If yes, how? Do I flat out say I'm going bye? I don't know. What sucks more is I keep saying I don't know. To everything. All the time. Repeatedly. It sucks. But that's exactly how I've been feeling about everything. I don't know. How I feel. What I want. What next. Nothing. I just honestly don't know.