An Introduction

Hello person interested in reading this post about a messed up stranger, I truly hope you are doing better than I am.

I guess I’m here because I feel like talking to someone but am not very comfortable sharing my stories with anyone I know; mostly because I don’t believe I can trust people and if I know them, it's more likely to bite me in the ass. I recently started seeing a therapist which seems to have ignited something in me that makes me want to blurt out everything I've been keeping in... I just don’t know the right person to tell all that to. I mean the therapist is great, but aside from the fact that I atill question going there –again paranoia and lack of trust in mankind-, one hour a week cannot cover 20-something years worth of issues. So I guess I’m here to tell you all my wonderful (being sarcastic if you couldn't tell) stories of why/how I got fucked up. 

I’ve always had a lot of issues and I think by the end of this post –if you make it through- you’ll have a small idea as to why I’m so fucked in the head. I do curse a lot, so apologies if it may bother or offend you, it’s not intentional, just a bad habit.

As a heads up, none of the things I’ve gone through are major; most of them would probably have no affect on me if they weren’t combined with all the other bullshit. I never had a big event that fucked me up or a trauma that did a number on me. That point right there used to mess with my head even more, you know. I kept thinking why am I so fucked up? I’ve never been through real drama, I’ve been living life as I should, good family, safe home, roof over my head, financially alright (not great, but enough to keep us going), went to university, got a degree and have a decent job. But then my therapist pointed out something that made sense –eventually- the fact that I’m messed up comes from this on going little things that pile up and that's more difficult to deal with beacuse it takes a long time to build up. In between all that I lost myself. I don’t know who I am, how to deal with people, what I like and I have an ongoing thought (and prior attempts) of suicide. I lack any and all levels of self-confidence and have high levels of self-hatred. I don’t believe I’m beautiful –inside or out- and I am terrified of the fact that I will most likely be alone for the rest of my life. I have a very paranoid personality and you will probably identify me as weak because I can't handle what you will probably perceive as unimportant and no big deal. I hate confronting people, I have anxiety (general and social), I have epilepsy, migraines, I was obese and had surgery, and I have done a fair share of lying just so that people would accept me. I’ve been bullied by family, so-called friends and strangers (and it has left its mark - big time). I hurt myself and have constant thoughts of suicide...

I think that would be a good briefing summary about me… I’ll probably be posting more about myself throughout the next few days because I’m in that sharing mood, so a lot will come out shortly.