a terrible choice...
I am being a sad wise-ass here but this is the question: would you rather have to carry around a sack of rocks all day, so all your muscles and bones hurt, OR walk along in relative comfort but never knowing when a load of rocks might come crashing down on top of you, sending you to the ground in agony?
I feel like I'm in one or the other condition all the time. Either I'm in pain, or I'm not and I know I will be again before long. Yesterday when I went for a run I had that endorphin high for a few minutes and then I came inside and began to cry... the fresh air felt so good but my baby Andrew (haha big smelly man) is gone and won't be coming through that door ever ever ever again.
I feel like I'm in one or the other condition all the time. Either I'm in pain, or I'm not and I know I will be again before long. Yesterday when I went for a run I had that endorphin high for a few minutes and then I came inside and began to cry... the fresh air felt so good but my baby Andrew (haha big smelly man) is gone and won't be coming through that door ever ever ever again.
Replies
I hear you. Basically you\'ve described my life (except for the running) since Lisa died. Know that you are not alone.
Hugs.
Marlene
You are definitely not alone. Those yo yo emotions are so frustrating. One minute I feel sane and the next I find I\'ve gone back to sitting in my chair not wanting to do a thing! Much love, Sharon
Oh that reality...it is so harsh...causes so much pain...you will become accustomed to his absence...it just takes a long time...and then the lows are not as frequent or as low...keep plugging along...and ride that roller coaster the best you can...love and hugs...Karen
Well, Sarah, I\'m Jewish so genetically disposed to know that a load of rocks is going to fall on my head again. And having fibromyalgia, I\'m sore all the time anyhow. We always expect the worst and still can\'t believe that airplanes stay up, it all boils down to a lack of faith, says my Rabbi. if only.......
I can only offer you hope for the future...just know that we have been where you are....and still frequent it, but as Karen said...not as frequently or as low....it will become incorporated into your life...still there, still stings, but you can function much better and your coping mechanisms are better in place.
We all somehow make it through this fog and pain of raw grief...holding you close to my heart.
Ann
I know Sarah, I am up and down but truth be told down often. I\'m doing my best to at least try to glean some contentment out of each day and at this point in my walk after 15 months since Ed left this world I feel like I\'m usually successful. I find contentment in little things so it will come for you. I no longer even think about joy or happiness but some semblance of a life is beginning to form for me. I\'ve had a shift recently. I had nightmares every night since Eddie passed. The theme was always death, sadness, I couldn\'t find him etc. But in the last 2 weeks I\'ve dreamt of beautiful gardens. I don\'t know what they mean but they are pleasant and I\'m not waking up terrified or crying so I\'ll take it! Anyway forgive my rambling . My point is that I am starting to believe I may heal and eventually integrate the passing of my son into the fabric of my life. At least now at 15 months into the journey I have more hope. I wish the same for you. Hope. Love and tight hugs, Linda
I know exactly what you mean when workouting out, then the enorphines kick in..The feeling of a natural high is what we need. Then when I think of Ryan, it knocks it out of me. I feel guilt head on again.. I do know as time goes on you will have more happier times..We all have to find a new happy medium..Take care of yourself!! Love & Hugs, Kelly
I think there are always highs and lows - they never go away but maybe change a little over time. There is no getting over this loss, nor making sense of it - but I for one want to be able to live with it, whatever that means and what ever strength it takes.....for my David - since how can I not make the most of this gift of life that he doesn\'t have but wanted so badly - and for me, for my children who still need me, and any one else that needs me. Although it\'s terribly hard, I am still so grateful that I am here. Take good care and be kind to yourself. love Joanna
I KN OW HOW SAD YOU ARE I FEEL LIKE THAT MANY TIMES. YOU JUST MISS THEM SO MUCH AND ESPECIALLY WHEN YOUR OUTSIDE THE SKY A THE FRESH AIR YOU FEEL GOOD. AND HEN YOU THINK OF YOUR KID GONE FOREVER AND HOW MUCH IT IS SO UNBEARABLE I KNOW. A WARM BIG BRAR HUG FOR YOU ZZZ
that roller coaster of pain and sadness comes too quickly after even just a little rest.....
hugging you tightly... and sending love your way
Oh, how I wish I could help you. I can just give you a big hug and lots of love. It\'s funny, before I even read your message I wrote something similar in my journal. I don\'t know what it is...
Pam
You know what Sarah, the big sack of rocks has already fell on me. It was always hanging over me and in a strange sort of way, it is a relief that it has fallen. It is little sacks now that hit me over and over. But no sack will ever hit me as bad as the night I was told that my son was dead.
That\'s such a difficult questions to ask. I think we would all want the opposite because we don\'t like what we got but as others have said...it will be OK in time. I hate to say \"time heals all wounds\". The wounds never do heal but they scar over and the pain is much less intense and we develop fond memories and we begin to find hope and happiness one day. Be patient friend and ride the roller coaster for now. We\'re here to help you hang on. Much love. Robin
I read your journal and was so touched. We lost our son to colon cancer - a horrible painful death 5 years ago. My heart breaks for you. I try to walk, been thinking about trying to run, probably too old - 64.
I wish you some peace and kindness.
Nell in Georgia
I love sad wise-ass people:) Going up...
Hugs, to you sweet lady. Danette