A dark cloud

It seems a bit of a dark cloud had formed around me.  I'm thinking/hoping that it will just pass by and not become a full depressive episode.  I'm leaning towards it's just a little depression, that comes and goes, and it will pass.  But there's always that fear that things could go down hill.  As always I'm continuing to fight, and at times everyday can be a battle.  But I do my usual and put on a happy mask and pretend ever things fine.  I've become pretty good at hiding that crap that goes on in my head from everybody. But I have to be careful and not hid it to myself and miss the warning signs. 

It's my nephews 10th bday in 2 days with his first bday party he's ever had with friends on saturday.  I will not ruin it!  I hope he likes the electric guitar I got him.  It wasn't cheep.  And since my money situation isn't good, I had to sell one of my drums for it.  I love my drums.  They got me through a lot back in high school when I started to struggle.  I would just close my eyes and get lost in the songs I would be playing too.  Sadly, I don't get to play them that much anymore, due to two family members, that I live with, working from home.  Music has always been my salvation.  That's why composing music is so important to me.  Also, it's something I can do in place of drumming.  Plus, it's the best thing I've found to fight the thoughts.  My whole adult life I've been searching for something that can get rid of the instrusive thoughts. The only problem is that I kind of suck at composing music.  That shouldn't surprise me since I suck at everything.  Except being a screw up and a failure. For just one thing in my life I want to say that I'm really good at something.  I've falling victim to "don't compare yourself to other composers".  My crap is nowhere near some of the amazing stuff that's out there.  I know i should be patient but I'm getting so frustrated by it.  So, I've decided to try doing some other creative outlet, instead of just music.  And that is some art on the computer.  I guess what I want to do is called digital design.  But the 3d modeling software I'm "trying" to learn is sooo difficult and I'm afraid I'm to much of a idiot to figure it out.  Why should I even bother.  Maybe I should just sit and stare at a wall. But even then I'd find a way to suck at that, as well.