Bad
It has been a while since I have written but I am in a very bad place.
I would say it's been about 2 months now on a downward spiral and I have nearly hit bottom. The only reason I say I have not hit bottom is because I am still breathing...yes, those thoughts that haunt all grieving mothers have grabbed hold of me and won't let go. I realized I am in the same position my daughter was in. My mother is hysterical with worry, yet I simply don't have the strength to comfort her. My words ring hollow and though she knows it in her heart she grasps on to whatever hope I offer her.
The job that was supposed to save me has become a burden, yet being home makes me even more depressed. I feel so hopeless. Friends and family have abandoned me, whatever comfort they offered is gone. I don't know who I am anymore, or what I am supposed to do...all I know is I miss my child so much the pain is unbearable. I stay medicated, overmedicated, as she did at the end, and it isn't helping anymore. Yet I worry about my little dogs. If I were to die, what would happen to them. They can not care for themselves. I have spoiled them so much. My husband loves them as much as I do, but what if he went downhill without me, what if he couldn't care for them the same. They love me more than him anyway...or what if he eventually remarried, a woman who doesn't like dogs, or at least not my dogs.
I see my psychiatrist tomorrow, I am so hoping he can offer me different medications. I am finally willing to look for a counselor, so I must have some will to live, right??
Also, I have gotten very fat. I am not just depressed I am miserable physically, I can't get comfortable in my own skin, much less my clothes.
If I grow old, it will be alone...I just feel so hopeless.
I would say it's been about 2 months now on a downward spiral and I have nearly hit bottom. The only reason I say I have not hit bottom is because I am still breathing...yes, those thoughts that haunt all grieving mothers have grabbed hold of me and won't let go. I realized I am in the same position my daughter was in. My mother is hysterical with worry, yet I simply don't have the strength to comfort her. My words ring hollow and though she knows it in her heart she grasps on to whatever hope I offer her.
The job that was supposed to save me has become a burden, yet being home makes me even more depressed. I feel so hopeless. Friends and family have abandoned me, whatever comfort they offered is gone. I don't know who I am anymore, or what I am supposed to do...all I know is I miss my child so much the pain is unbearable. I stay medicated, overmedicated, as she did at the end, and it isn't helping anymore. Yet I worry about my little dogs. If I were to die, what would happen to them. They can not care for themselves. I have spoiled them so much. My husband loves them as much as I do, but what if he went downhill without me, what if he couldn't care for them the same. They love me more than him anyway...or what if he eventually remarried, a woman who doesn't like dogs, or at least not my dogs.
I see my psychiatrist tomorrow, I am so hoping he can offer me different medications. I am finally willing to look for a counselor, so I must have some will to live, right??
Also, I have gotten very fat. I am not just depressed I am miserable physically, I can't get comfortable in my own skin, much less my clothes.
If I grow old, it will be alone...I just feel so hopeless.
Replies
Understand completely...PLEASE be completely honest with your dr. A counselor will be a huge help. I almost think the 2nd yr is worse than the 1st - the numbness has worn off and the reality is setting in. Love you and keep on fighting each and every day. Hugs, Ann
Yes we understand, yet it is still so very hard to deal with the reality of our loss. On the discussion page, there is a list of nurturing and I have found it to be so helpful in getting my head to a different place. Sometimes, even for a little while, it is good to get off the merry-go-round. Doing one thing from the list has helped. I want to tell you to just breathe. HUgs. Kathy
Gina you are cared about & loved. We understand your pain, confusion & feeling hopeless. In a world where most people can\'t relate to what we are going through, here at For Moms Only we get it. As we find ways to make it another day, we do it with our arms around each other.
Hugs of compassion dear friend....Vicki
We are here for you ALWAYS!!! We have all walked in your shoes and know exactly how you are feeling...There were many times that I didn\'t think I\'d make it. But here I am 6 and a half years down the journey. It is comforting to know how many people love and support us on this site. (((HUGS))) Connie
I hope you found a good psychiatrist one that you can open up to and spill out all your pain into his/her lap.
My work still suffers a lot because of grief depression etc. I have good and bad days. I do have my gradies living with me they give me lots of love, and hugs that keep me going.
Sending the tightest hugs Penny
Gina, I have no good words. I am just so darn sorry and wish you strength and peace and good meds if they will help. Ambien is a savior for me! Work is really darn hard, but at the same time, most days it gives me a reason to wake up. Hugs, Laura