???
Lately I have been feeling like I am not going to do this, I am not going to continue on this way. Suffering endlessly, even being told honestly by other mothers that the sorrow never ends.
I unpacked a few boxes today. I found a lot of frames photos of my babyI decided to take them out of the frames and put them all together in a photo album. Maybe I will buy a really nice photo album or even have it professionally done.
I work with a lot of elderly clients who either have no family or have no access to any family. It scares me. I don't want to be old and alone. My treasures, my photos, what will happen to them??? Will I end up in an elderly assisted living facility with no one to visit me, no one to tell my stories about my Cassi, the extraordinary child I had, and lost. I can't bear it. I always dreamed I would end up in a little "mother-in-law" apartment attached to Cassi's house...always in her life and part of her family. Now, if things go naturally, my sister will pass before me, my mother, of course, and my husband. I can't bear the thought of it. As much as my little family means to me, they were truly just background people in my life, the minute Cassi was born. They mean so much more to me now, of course...but...she was my EVERYTHING...
I am so ashamed to admit this, but sometimes I have these horrible doubts...what if all the things we tell ourselves and each other about our children who have passed isn't real? Those tiny seeds of doubt get in my brain at times and torment me. I believe Cassi is still alive, in spirit, I believe all our children are...but still, sometimes I get scared.
I'm feeling so lost, but in a different way, a worse way, a resigned way...my mind keeps going to the same place. If my daughter and I are to be reunited, I want it done now. If when we die, we just die, there is nothing, then what's it all for anyway???
I unpacked a few boxes today. I found a lot of frames photos of my babyI decided to take them out of the frames and put them all together in a photo album. Maybe I will buy a really nice photo album or even have it professionally done.
I work with a lot of elderly clients who either have no family or have no access to any family. It scares me. I don't want to be old and alone. My treasures, my photos, what will happen to them??? Will I end up in an elderly assisted living facility with no one to visit me, no one to tell my stories about my Cassi, the extraordinary child I had, and lost. I can't bear it. I always dreamed I would end up in a little "mother-in-law" apartment attached to Cassi's house...always in her life and part of her family. Now, if things go naturally, my sister will pass before me, my mother, of course, and my husband. I can't bear the thought of it. As much as my little family means to me, they were truly just background people in my life, the minute Cassi was born. They mean so much more to me now, of course...but...she was my EVERYTHING...
I am so ashamed to admit this, but sometimes I have these horrible doubts...what if all the things we tell ourselves and each other about our children who have passed isn't real? Those tiny seeds of doubt get in my brain at times and torment me. I believe Cassi is still alive, in spirit, I believe all our children are...but still, sometimes I get scared.
I'm feeling so lost, but in a different way, a worse way, a resigned way...my mind keeps going to the same place. If my daughter and I are to be reunited, I want it done now. If when we die, we just die, there is nothing, then what's it all for anyway???
Replies
Oh I know how tormenting those little seeds of doubt are. But then reasoning hits me...I know there is life after death and I know that reincarnations really happen because I have seen proof and read of other\'s that have proof....so then my doubts fade away.
Going through another loss of a loved one is the worse thing that could happen to any of us Mom\'s that have suffered losing a child and I do believe each one of us want to go before any of our loved ones do. It\'s true for me for sure. Will it happen...who knows.
Sending tight hugs and prayers for peace.
Terry
DEAR GINA; IT SEEM LIKE IT RIGHT NOW YOU WILL ALWAYS FEEL SO MUCH GRIEF . YOUR LIFE WILL NOT BE HORRIBLE AND YOU WILL BE DEPRESSED FOR EVER. THE FIRST 4 YEARS WERE REALLY TOUGH ON ME. AND AT TIMES THEY STILL ARE. BUT YOUR LIFE GOES ON YOU WILL ALWAYS BE CONNECTED TO CASSIE AND MISS HER AND CRY AT TIMES. BUT YOU WON,T GO FOREVER WANTING TO DIE AND DEEP DISPAIR. . YOU JUST LOST YOUR DAUGHTER ABOUT 3 MONTHS AGO. NO ONE GET,S OVER LOSSING THEIR ONLY CHILD IN 3 MONTHS . NO ONE IS GOING TO BE FEELING GREAT AND OVER THEIR GRIEF. . TO GO HAVE TO GO THROUGH . THIS PROCESS IN ORDER TO BE WHOLE AGAIN. YOU WILL NEVER FORGET FORE GET YOUR CASSIE LOTS OF LOVE MARY ANN AND . XXXBLESS YOUR SPECIAL ANGEL.
I am so sorry you are going through such anxiety. You MUST simply distract yourself when it gets so scary. Call a friend, go for a walk, watch a movie, anything to let you off the hook!
I am having trouble adding my comment.
Therapy is helpful, as are pharmaceuticals. I\'ve been where you are and have had to free myself from these insecure ruminations. Please, take good and gentle care of yourself. We are all afraid of suffering another loss. Love, Abby
Love you, Gina !!
((((((((((HUGS))))))))))
Gina, I can sink my boat in a nano second when I am not in the present. The mind can take me to places that I don\'t want to go so I have to find what I can do to get myself out of the \"stinking thinking\" which is what we called it in 12 step. None of us know what the next minute will bring, much less years down the road.
I know that it is not possible to be present all the time and I\'m with you in the anxiety, fears and all the unknowns. Yet, it is a practice that I have been learning and it is where my healing is.
These first years are a brutal battleground dear Gina, and they are filled with such a myriad of emotions as you are discovering. Please take the best care of yourself that you can and know that how you feel today is for today... Tomorrow you may feel differently... It\'s all a part of the grief path and one that you have been walking for almost a year now. You will make it, Gina, and your sisters of the heart are living proof that you will.
Loving care during these very difficult days and seek additional tools whatever those may be to help you. With you and understanding...
XO Joanie
Ditto to what Joanie says...the why\'s, what if\'s, and what will\'s will drive you nuts. We have all been there - done that. One of the hardest things was learning to bring myself out of those times and turning my thought process around and realizing how I was feeling now had nothing to do with how I would feel in the next minute, hour, or day. Your thought process and emotions are all over the place - this is \"normal\". You are coming up on your 1st Angel Day and the up and downs, high and lows that come along with it. We are here for you every step of the way. Hugs, Ann
Hey Gina, I have no great words of wisdom because I, too, find it hard to contemplate living another 30 years like this. My silver lining, such as it is, is that I won\'t be devastated if I get a diagnosis of cancer or something else that might shorten my life -- not really a big worry anymore! That being said, I try to focus on the fact that my living family members love me and don\'t want to lose me and there is worth in continuing to wake up everyday and give back at work with the skills we have that make life better for others. Also, we are here to give love and comfort to those who love us and remain in this world and would miss us greatly were we not here. I know Jackson would want me to go on and I\'ve got to believe Cassi would also want that for you. Hugs, Laura
Oh Gina. I really don\'t have anything to add. I too get those little niggling doubts. All I can do is reassure you that they become farther and further between. My sensible mind reminds me that the feelings pass.
I can certainly understand your feelings about the future. Lisa often talked of building a Granny House on their property for Joe and me. It has taken me a while to come to terms with the fact that life is not rolling out the way we planned.
Be gentle with yourself dear friend. You are needed and you are doing much valued work. I guess on some level I do believe that we are here for a reason and our reason is not yet completed. But dammit, it can hurt like Hell! I promise that the pain does not disappear but we learn to live with the hole the heart.
Wishing you love and peace.
Tight hugs,
Marlene
Gentle hugs to you, Gina!
No, the pain never goes away - but it does get different as time goes by. There is no making sense of losing your Cassie and not having the life you imagined - you have been dealt a terrible blow. The worst. Somehow, though, we do make it though by taking one day at a time and doing what works for us in the moment .Be kind to yourself everyday. Sending you much peace ~ Joanna x
Hi gina - I can so identify with what you are saying and I have no other children, no sisters or brothers....who wants my stuff? what will happen to me? I also know that day to day, my emotions change...some days I can\'t cope very well, other days, I\'m okay....so in saying that - I get it Gina....all those fears of things that haven\'t happened...Praying for moments of peace for you. Vicki
Gina, everyone has said most of everything. I understand your feelings, life must go on. I believe God has a plan for each of us. We are not privey to know but the plan exists. This is my way of getting through the rough spots.
Sending you tight hugs
Penny