So orange vs my normal purple. Purple is my favorite color, Orange is Randy Lee's favorite color. I incorporate orange roses into so many of my bouquets for him these days. He loved yellow roses and I add them often as well because he loved them and for the memory of a sad day. I always add a red rose to whatever bouquet I create ~ a single red rose for I love you from your mom. I used to think those bouquets were all I had left to give him and I put so much effort and thought into them. I still make them beautiful even though they sit on a piece of bronze that is adorned with his sweet name, the best day of my life and the worst day of my life. It's not Randy Lee.
Since I've realized I can honor him, remember him and "give" of him even now. I don't share with everyone what I do ... I know and I hope Randy Lee knows. That's what matters ~ not others.
I've told my story before. How I worked with the board of ed until Randy Lee passed away but I couldn't after he passed away. My heart wasn't in the classroom any longer. For whatever reason, the stars lined up and Ianded in mental health. Some days it feels the same ... others, eons apart. The past month or so ... I think that distance has grown.
I do still feel there are days I make a difference. Just this past month I've had a few of my "residents" stop by to say hello and remind me I made a difference to them. Normally those moments snap me out of any funk I'm feeling. They always seem to pop in during those moments I just need a reminder. There are no coincidences in life. People are in your life for a reason ... at that time for a reason ... it's always for a reason.
If you're reading this please know while I've had a fleeting thought suicide is not an option for me. I truly can understand how people get to the edge. I truly can see how empty one can feel. I truly can see ... understand. I guess the blessing here is even as a "lapsed Catholic" ... those beliefs are instilled deeply within.
Having said that ~ I feel empty. A void nothing can seem to fill or even tough. I push away anyone who cares including my husband. I feel myself distancing myself from everyone, everything. Going through the motions daily to keep up appearances. (laughing because even feeling like I'm dying inside I don't want others to see that closely). Nothing I do seems to make the void reduce ... the emptiness leave.
I think I've lost "me". The special, unique things that make me, me. I'm not even sure what that is ... what that was ... where it went. I don't know how to shake this or even what it was that truly brought it on.
Part of me feels dead ... that day in March 12 years ago sucked what little life I had left in me out. I had already started to become someone other than me before that day ... since ... I don't even recognize myself these days. I'm not going to lie. There are days when I think how easy it would be to just stop. To give up ... give in ...
One thing haunts me on that. Suicide damns ones soul to hell. Even making poor choices there is no doubt in my mind that Randy Lee is in heaven. He was a good kid, with a heart a gold who believed in God even with the doubts & questions he had. Too many questions for someone only 18.
I still remember the proud kid who brought his Pastor ~ Pastor Sam to visit with his nanny when she was dying. When she was frightened that she wasn't a good enough person to be in heaven. The pride he had as he sat there talking with her and Pastor Sam until she was at ease. What a loving act for a young man. It wasn't until later I found out that was around the time he started to use. So much that summer got by me that I normally would have been all over but I wasn't focused on daily life. My Grandma was by all means my mom. I always thought her death would be the most difficult of my life. Oh it hurt, I dreamed of those last minutes for months but it by far wasn't even close to the most difficult event of my life. I'm sure she was there to welcome Randy Lee ... at least I know he is as loved there as he is here.
There is no way to explain this to anyone. I can't put it into words for myself. I'm not even sure it's all based on Randy Lee. I started to feel this way just before his birthday this year ... it just didn't fade with his birthday passed by.
There are many ways to passively harm yourself. That, I do feel myself doing. My knee pain is at an all time high and I know to feel better means surgery. A knee replacement. For the knee replacement to be more successful, I need to lose more weight. To lose more weight I need to move more. To move more I need my knee replaced. LOL ~ sort of a funny deal when no matter what I do there's a down to it.
I think I'm going to go to bed and cry. Just cry for what I can't be ... can't do ... can't have ... don't get ... don't understand ... will never be ... will never have ... things lost ... things gone ... things to never be ... just cry until I can't cry any more and then hopefully .... sleep. That seemingly simple act that I just can't seem to master these days.
Randy Lee ... 1-4-3 forever & always
Since I've realized I can honor him, remember him and "give" of him even now. I don't share with everyone what I do ... I know and I hope Randy Lee knows. That's what matters ~ not others.
I've told my story before. How I worked with the board of ed until Randy Lee passed away but I couldn't after he passed away. My heart wasn't in the classroom any longer. For whatever reason, the stars lined up and Ianded in mental health. Some days it feels the same ... others, eons apart. The past month or so ... I think that distance has grown.
I do still feel there are days I make a difference. Just this past month I've had a few of my "residents" stop by to say hello and remind me I made a difference to them. Normally those moments snap me out of any funk I'm feeling. They always seem to pop in during those moments I just need a reminder. There are no coincidences in life. People are in your life for a reason ... at that time for a reason ... it's always for a reason.
If you're reading this please know while I've had a fleeting thought suicide is not an option for me. I truly can understand how people get to the edge. I truly can see how empty one can feel. I truly can see ... understand. I guess the blessing here is even as a "lapsed Catholic" ... those beliefs are instilled deeply within.
Having said that ~ I feel empty. A void nothing can seem to fill or even tough. I push away anyone who cares including my husband. I feel myself distancing myself from everyone, everything. Going through the motions daily to keep up appearances. (laughing because even feeling like I'm dying inside I don't want others to see that closely). Nothing I do seems to make the void reduce ... the emptiness leave.
I think I've lost "me". The special, unique things that make me, me. I'm not even sure what that is ... what that was ... where it went. I don't know how to shake this or even what it was that truly brought it on.
Part of me feels dead ... that day in March 12 years ago sucked what little life I had left in me out. I had already started to become someone other than me before that day ... since ... I don't even recognize myself these days. I'm not going to lie. There are days when I think how easy it would be to just stop. To give up ... give in ...
One thing haunts me on that. Suicide damns ones soul to hell. Even making poor choices there is no doubt in my mind that Randy Lee is in heaven. He was a good kid, with a heart a gold who believed in God even with the doubts & questions he had. Too many questions for someone only 18.
I still remember the proud kid who brought his Pastor ~ Pastor Sam to visit with his nanny when she was dying. When she was frightened that she wasn't a good enough person to be in heaven. The pride he had as he sat there talking with her and Pastor Sam until she was at ease. What a loving act for a young man. It wasn't until later I found out that was around the time he started to use. So much that summer got by me that I normally would have been all over but I wasn't focused on daily life. My Grandma was by all means my mom. I always thought her death would be the most difficult of my life. Oh it hurt, I dreamed of those last minutes for months but it by far wasn't even close to the most difficult event of my life. I'm sure she was there to welcome Randy Lee ... at least I know he is as loved there as he is here.
There is no way to explain this to anyone. I can't put it into words for myself. I'm not even sure it's all based on Randy Lee. I started to feel this way just before his birthday this year ... it just didn't fade with his birthday passed by.
There are many ways to passively harm yourself. That, I do feel myself doing. My knee pain is at an all time high and I know to feel better means surgery. A knee replacement. For the knee replacement to be more successful, I need to lose more weight. To lose more weight I need to move more. To move more I need my knee replaced. LOL ~ sort of a funny deal when no matter what I do there's a down to it.
I think I'm going to go to bed and cry. Just cry for what I can't be ... can't do ... can't have ... don't get ... don't understand ... will never be ... will never have ... things lost ... things gone ... things to never be ... just cry until I can't cry any more and then hopefully .... sleep. That seemingly simple act that I just can't seem to master these days.
Randy Lee ... 1-4-3 forever & always
Replies
I am so sorry. I can relate to feeling empty and feeling like you\'ve lost yourself. I just hope my girls are old enough to remember how we were before and that my husband and I weren\'t always like this. I hope you are able to get some rest and feel some moments of peace soon. Hugs, Paula
This really boils down to taking care of ourselves now. We have to do it to honor our children. Yet the actual actions are so so very hard to accomplish. I am with you on this and understand. Remember it is only one step to get started and each step in the right direction helps. I wish you peace today. Hugs, Kathy
There are times that it hurts so bad, the loss of our child just hits us all over again. I find birthdays, angelversaries, and holidays to be the hardest. Some years it is very difficult to work through all the feelings. I hope you get some sleep soon as everything seems worse when we are tired. Hugs, Leda
My daughter committed suicide and I have no doubt whatsoever she is in Heaven. She was suffering the deepest, darkest depression and her poor brain was telling her lies that she eventually succumbed to, even though she fought it for years. Losing her was the worst thing that could have ever happened to me and while I did not want to survive it, I did. Even in such unbearable pain, I could not put a gun in my mouth. It takes a significant mental break to overcome the primal instinct to survive. I\'m sorry you are going through such a hard time. I believe if you can just hold it together, it will pass. It will always hurt, but the worst always passes...unless you are significantly mentally ill. I too look at my daughter\'s headstone and see the best day of my life and the worst day of my life. I am sorry if I sound defensive and I respect your religious beliefs...they just aren\'t my beliefs.
Extra hugs for you dear friend.