MOTHERS DAY
I didn't go to the cemetary on my first Mother's Day without Jackie. I went on May 10th, her first anniversary. I wrote on line in my journal about how her friend showed up and it made me feel so good. But Sun, I went to my son to watch my grandson's baseball game and then we went back to the house for dinner. I held in my tears the whole day. I was so proud of myself because I wanted my son to think that I was ok. He tries so hard, but he knows how difficult this is. As soon as I got in the car to drive home I broke down. The pain in my chest was aweful, I had to pull over because I thought I wouldn't be able to breathe. I got home ok and then just went to my bedroom and pulled out every Mother's Day Card, Birthday Card and even her suicide note to me and my husband. I really don't know how I survived that day. Why the doctors couldn't find something to help the pain in her head is just so unbelievable to me. They give people new hearts and lungs. The have found a cure for certain cancers.. But for my daughter there was no answer.
I know that this pain will never end, I know I will never get over the loss, I know the rest of my life I will miss Jackie so, so much. But I just want the pain to be a little less. I have my good days now. But I cry myself to sleep every nite talking to her. This just isn't right. A mother should never have to bury their child. The therapist is helping a little. I see her once a week and let everything out. The mornings used to be hard when I got up realizing this wasn't a dream. Now its the nights that are difficult because no matter what we do during the day, no matter where we go, it will never leave us and we go home to the emptiness and the loss.
I know that this pain will never end, I know I will never get over the loss, I know the rest of my life I will miss Jackie so, so much. But I just want the pain to be a little less. I have my good days now. But I cry myself to sleep every nite talking to her. This just isn't right. A mother should never have to bury their child. The therapist is helping a little. I see her once a week and let everything out. The mornings used to be hard when I got up realizing this wasn't a dream. Now its the nights that are difficult because no matter what we do during the day, no matter where we go, it will never leave us and we go home to the emptiness and the loss.
Replies
Gail you\'ve said the words we have all felt over and over again. I wish I had an answer for you. It has gotten easier for me now. Most probably the medication I\'m on is making it easier, but I don\'t care if it\'s chemically produced or not I was to the point that I just couldn\'t stand to be so deep in sorrow any longer. I\'m glad your therapist is helpful. It is a blessing to be able to poor out your heart to someone.
Love to you and your family and blessing to Jackie. Terry
Yes I know where you are and how you feel. May 10th was one year without my Karina. It still seems unreal. You are right it is always with us and the tears are just behind your eye lids and the lump in your throat is near. A large part of us is gone for now. It is so hard. I too wish they could have helped Karina, Just as you say , they failed the pschy docs and meds Just so sad and so hard. Hugs , love and prayers to you, as I know the path we walk,
I was where you are for the first two years after Melissa\'s death. But this third year has been easier and I also thought that I would always feel the way I did the first two years...no we NEVER forget them but the physical pain disappears and we get used to our new normal. I hope that the same will happen to you. It\'s a journey, one we will ALWAYS be on until we are with our children again. Tight hugs, Connie
Much love and tight hugs of understanding. It does get a bit lighter over time but we will miss our kids forever. I am so very sorry. Linda
Gail...thank you for commenting on my journal. This year has been tough for me, but I do want you to know that the pain does change...and when these really tough days come...the lows are not as long as before...so I pray that this happens for you in time. One moment...one hour...one day...however we have to take it...we do. And, some days we wear a mask for others...but other days...take it off...it may give the other folks a chance to grieve openly with YOU. Love and gentle hugs...Karen
Yes I feel your pain, literally, and know exactly what you mean when you say it will last a lifetime. I also believe our friends here who are longer on this horrible road, and that gives me hope. Living with this horror in my head is such incredible punishment, a hell on earth. I want so much to be free of it. I hope someday I will be, and you will be.
jill
Gail... we all feel the pain.. but I am almost 4 years on the journey since Jenn died and like Karen, I can tell you it does change..the first 2 years were the worst, and it has been getting better.. slowly, but better. No, nothing will ever be the same, and I will never stop missing my Jenn, but it\'s better.
Hugs, MaryLou
Nights are the worst, I think - waking up in the middle with all those what ifs and if onlys. No distractions in the dark, just thoughts. I had so much guilt in the first couple of years, I couldn\'t even describe - and I still do but it\'s mellowed somewhat now. Rationality has kicked in a little - doesn\'t change a thing about loss and grief but it\'s not quite as sharp these days. It\'s all small steps. Wishing you peace ~ Joanna x
You are doing your best and that certainly counts for something. I found comfort in reading the mom\'s journals who were a few steps further along on this path. They reassured me that my sorrow would begin to change and it has. It just takes time and healing is happening within you even when you cannot imagine that it possibly could be...
Sending heartfelt hugs and so much understanding.
Xo Joanie