Women who Love too Much Community Group
WHEN BEING IN LOVE, MEANS BEING IN PAIN... This group is to help women through the journey of realizing they can love themselves. To help realize that they are capable of having a happy, healthy, whole relationship and break the cycle of abuse and heartache from loving emotionally unavailable men.
Oh jeez, Im so ashamed of how I just behaved with my H.
I can't believe I acted like that. I feel such an idiot.
His parents were round, like they do every Friday, at one point we were talking about H's last wife. ( yeh nice, in front of me eh.) SO anyway when they left I said oh so is that why you wanted to move near to her, you keep going back to her, she must have had something special to keep pulling you back like that eh?! ( He was with her then married someone else, then had an affair with her while still married and went on to marry her.)
He then went on to say he was disappointed I hadn't got him anything for valentines. I said I thought it was something a guy does and he didn't seem bothered when I got him a card last year so I didn't this year. In fact he made me feel embarrassed I had got one for him as I remember! ( last year he had to rush out and get me one at night!)
He then started to leave for work early, saying he was picking someone up on the way! It turns out it was from someones house I had previously had a talk with him about as they kept texting. (His mobile would beep he would answer, do a little laugh and then reply. It drove me nuts and I told him this was inappropriate.!!! I was jealous and yes I am insecure as hell! but still...) so of course I was like, oh yeh popping round to hers early really? …. it wasn't pretty….Im not proud.
He looked at me and shook his head…I wish you would trust me.
I then had to basically chop both my hands off to stop myself sending him a whiney text !
I did send one saying, sorry I was so silly. x no reply obviously., he doesn't text me much.
but I just hate myself when I go off like that.
I could kick myself, I feel I have let myself down so much. and I feel so awful.
I just get so scared and feel sick with fear I behave so badly and I really want to change that.
Jeeez.
x
I can't believe I acted like that. I feel such an idiot.
His parents were round, like they do every Friday, at one point we were talking about H's last wife. ( yeh nice, in front of me eh.) SO anyway when they left I said oh so is that why you wanted to move near to her, you keep going back to her, she must have had something special to keep pulling you back like that eh?! ( He was with her then married someone else, then had an affair with her while still married and went on to marry her.)
He then went on to say he was disappointed I hadn't got him anything for valentines. I said I thought it was something a guy does and he didn't seem bothered when I got him a card last year so I didn't this year. In fact he made me feel embarrassed I had got one for him as I remember! ( last year he had to rush out and get me one at night!)
He then started to leave for work early, saying he was picking someone up on the way! It turns out it was from someones house I had previously had a talk with him about as they kept texting. (His mobile would beep he would answer, do a little laugh and then reply. It drove me nuts and I told him this was inappropriate.!!! I was jealous and yes I am insecure as hell! but still...) so of course I was like, oh yeh popping round to hers early really? …. it wasn't pretty….Im not proud.
He looked at me and shook his head…I wish you would trust me.
I then had to basically chop both my hands off to stop myself sending him a whiney text !
I did send one saying, sorry I was so silly. x no reply obviously., he doesn't text me much.
but I just hate myself when I go off like that.
I could kick myself, I feel I have let myself down so much. and I feel so awful.
I just get so scared and feel sick with fear I behave so badly and I really want to change that.
Jeeez.
x
It seems so over whelming, so much work to do!
My therapist says we will deal with one little thing at a time and not to feel it is over whelming.
See my new avatar - thats my plasticine!!!
x
Yes nod nod! Good to be aware.
I need some sort of phrase to slow me down and make me think before I (over)react to him.
Yesterday he left the credit card bill on my desk with items highlighted.and on the bottom he had written….
"why has the cash you said you would pay not been received?
There are £167.23 on here of yours.
You owe me £x."
written on it.
He didn't even discuss this to my face.
I wrote back on it and said,
you told me not to pay that in
( the previous month I had said I had cash to pay off it, he said don't use that cash to pay off the CC, why would you do that? This was last month when he went mad at me about it. It was xmas and he told me to sort it all out for everyone as we were going away on vacation and he didn't have time, so I did! We have 6 children)
There is £x to come off that for refunds and returns.
That leaves £x
It really pissed me off. I didn't like his tone or the fact he had just left it on my desk with items highlighted.
I paid that cash into the CC account directly that day. He will be mad at me for that but I want it off my desk and he can stuff it from now on. He can do his own Xmas shopping.
I was hoping he would 'forget' about the cash to be honest as I was trying to save up for my own car! But oh well. Im not having him speak to me like that even if it is only on a note.
I was shocked by the tone of it. And the fact that I thought we were in this as a couple. Not his or mine but ours. He won't let me know about our money situation ever. He is very guarded about it. That is not my way in a marriage but it is clearly his.
Then he gives me £100 cash to go to town with?!!!
My point is I need a mantra to say to myself so I don't react and stay focussed when things like this happen.
I feel fear and panicky thinking he will get cross with me. I can hardly breath. But I must get over this and deal with it.
any suggestions, what I can say to myself at times like this when I am angry at his treatment of me but scared to confront him or disagree? But I need to and want to deal with it.
for the really painful moments it was mercy!! that's it just MERCY!
i am not alone.
this is not about me this is about him and his issues.
i am lovable and capable
i can take care of myself.
it'll be alright, breathe....
i can do this.
i can tolerate this.
i can withstand these feelings.
the intensity is temporary...
i've been through worse.
son't give up on saving for your car sunny!!
I have settled with
I am lovable and capable
the intensity is temporary….
xxx