sunny!! you tortured soul!! no wonder you do it, you beat the shit out of yourself!! you really cannot get rid of behavior you are trying so hard to suppress.....it's a human nature thing that we want to do it even more.....sunny i know it might be disappointing however the reason you feel insecure is not a healed wound yet.

please please pretty please cut yourself some slack. forgive yourself quickly and move on.

sunny i have a long way to go however i have made amazing progress from where i started. and i promise you that that progress could not and did not happen until i began to have compassion for myself.

for very good reasons you are the way you are and you've made the choices you've made.......feel compassion for her as if she is your little inner child. what would you say to your daughter who had just done the same thing?? would you really be this loathing and hateful towards her?? or would you wrap her in your arms and say next time love next time....

i think part of it is feeling angry that we give them that satisfaction and fuel. but what an unrealistic thing for him to say i wish you could trust me with a cheating record like his...it's emotional torture!!! in a way you are holding him accountable but saying it's inappropriate to be texting other women. good for you!! don't allow that. it is inappropriate. that's common decency and respect for you... that's not necessarily that you are not trusting him. even though why the hell would you???

sunny we all feel jealous sometimes and i think jealousy for wwltm is excruciating. we cannot control the choices they make and then they turn around and blame us for their cheating....so make it okay okay? you are human. human's experience jealousy.

the trust has to do with learning to trust in ourselves so that if they do cheat we will be able to handle it and cope well. we must take care of ourselves....

maybe you could tell yourself ....there are things i wish i would have done better this round but i'm in therapy, i'm studying i'm learning and i'm willing to explore and change this pattern.......love the little sunny. be kind and gentle to her.....you have not had much of that in your life it's time to give it to yourself..............

aw Finn, your reply made me so emotional.

I always do this to myself.
I feel sick with fear until he comes home and makes me feel better. I know I shouldn't give him that power. Im yearning for one tiny response from him. Its so silly. He is probably wondering what I am sorry about.!
I just sit here or pace until I hear from him, then its such a relief.
Its almost like I want him to dump me for being so paranoid and insecure.

The texting was just nonsense, silly stuff she would text him things like how was your day? He would reply. I explained to him this was a green light to her, he said he didn't want to be rude. But the little smile and giggle when she text him got to me big time! I said no it wasn't appropriate. He shrugged and said he had no idea……! I know he can be bait dense about this stuff . He would go up to a girl in a pub or in the street and say she looked nice, I say - why did you do that? He said he thought it would boost her self-esteem! SO I would say why do you think that would have that affect? WHy would she be 'boosted' by some stranger coming up to her. He just shrugs and says Im weird and cold hearted. He's the good one making people feel better. Like he's some self-esteem god or something!!!
sorry for the rant!

go for it!! rant away!! none of what he's doing or saying makes any common sense in a marriage and it is not decent or respectful of you. period. he likes to get the rise out of you i suspect. i don't believe he's dense for a minute but that's just my jaded experience with men like him.

i was wondering while i was in the shower if there is somewhere you could go and paint whatever the hell you wanted without anyone criticizing it? could you just go somewhere out of th house out of the office and just begin to practice allowing yourself to be distracted with your art?? i was also thinking that the criticism that your family gives you can be dealt with with boundaries sunny. it's not their place to tell you what to paint. you are grown artist woman you don't need anyone's input. and if you do find some supportive peers.

do you have a studio or some place you can go spread out, turn on some music and be inspired?? maybe a short walk from home so you can take in nature and get inspired???

what i'm driving at is some way to fill yourself up, your time and your mind and your heart with something that you love that's only for you that no one can criticize and that way you would be free of the agony and obsession while he is gone and away from you.....sunny find a way to build your life outside of him or your will never be free......

He makes me feel like the baddie when I criticise him for doing inappropriate things. I don't think he should tell women they look nice. It is inappropriate and surely my opinion and feelings about it are the ones that should matter - even if I am weird or cold hearted.

He seems to think he has this power to affect how some one feels about themselves like that. That annoys me for some reason.
He makes me feel like I want to always say these negative put down things to him. And they are not nice things to say are they. I don't want to be the person who is saying nasty things to anyone, let alone him. I have never wanted to say things like that to anyone before, I don't know why or how he brings that out in me. Maybe its his arrogance or attitude of being the one who is always right.
I don't want to be like this.

He keeps all the finances such a secret from me. I thought I wouldn't mind. He makes sure I have enough. But I don't feel like this is a partnership as such and it makes me uncomfortable and feel unconnected. It make me feel like he is my parent or something.

So it starts with me. I know that.
Where do I begin.
I am trying to be authentic and honest.
I dress in 'office work' clothes every day even though I am at home. He praises my dress sense and I feel good….but what do I WANT to wear?! I have a wardrobe full of dresses and suits which leave me cold when I look at them. I know I need to wear colour. If I wear black or grey or brown I feel down all day. So why do I wear these 'dressy' clothes.? I should please myself first. But I don't know what that is?! If I don't feel like I look good I feel horrible. I do like to wear a dress, easy slip it on, tadaaa dressed. and I hate to wear jeans as they keep needing hoiking up etc. so I wore dresses for that reason. but I should stop dressing for HIM and dress for me. I will try.

As for my studio, yes it would be heaven to have somewhere like that. I did a few years ago before I moved here. I had a studio in the garden, it also had my treadmill too and stereo and a basket for my daft dog.
Now I have a room in the home-office where my H works and staff come and go every day. There is no privacy and I feel guilty for playing while they are working! I felt free to create when I had my garden sanctuary. I would love to finish a piece and bring it out to show my children and then H.
I need that again.

Its funny that when I was a child, my whole childhood I would always make a home in the garden shed or somewhere like under the stairs. I used to clean them out and make them pretty. I yearned for my own home so much. I left home at the age of 17 for this reason. Wonder what that was about?!

Thanks for thinking of me in the shower Finn!
to be free to Be….a lovely thought!

tomorrow is a new day.
I shall work on being authentic.

The first ting to go will be my acrylic nails. ( I had them done as I kept painfully breaking badly my natural nails or thats what I told myself anyway! in reality I think I wanted to look perfect, with no reasons for anyone not to want me. silly.)

you know sunny....you are on your way!!! you really have been making space for yourself in your relationship..

i really believe one day you won't stand for being locked in a box anymore and i believe you are already headed that way!!!

in my opinion you have given all of your power away.

you say you on' know what to do but then you say what would feel good to you like wearing bright clothes, taking off your nails, painting a picture, having a studio again......if you just worked on those things you would notice a change in yourself....

here for you sunny!! i see you moving forward....just try to be gentle and loving with yourself.....you are where you are in this moment but you are taking steps to improve your quality of life......so congratulations to you!!!

I tried to talk to my H last night. About how I feel and how scared I get and that I wanted to change .
He wasn't very kind. He swung from…but I love you as you are, it makes me feel loved to see you get jealous. to
I was angry with you for making me feel bad just before I went to work to teach. I don't know whats wrong with you, no ones perfect. How would you like it if I was always suspicious of you?If I said I felt you were going to leave me as you have left your last husband. ( I actually didn't, he left me and he knows that.)
I said but I can't understand why you would NOT cheat on me, when you have cheated on every one you have been with. I was just asking for sensible valid reasons. He said he wouldn't answer that question.

I said, I am asking if you can you help me with this.? If when I get like that you can just say, its ok I love you and give me a hug.

I was trying to talk to explain to him about me needing a therapist you see.
I said I didn't like the feelings of insecurity and jealousy and I wanted to change.

He just said - you are what you are. I don't want you to change., but lets talk about this as a family. No secrets.( I don't understand that at all!??)

An hour later he then woke me up to say can I get him a painkiller as he has pulled his back with me stressing him. He tossed and turned all night and was mean to me about this being my fault.


He has pulled this stunt on me before.

so it goes on.

Thanks for your encouragement Finn.
x

sunny read your codependency books sunny. i encourage you to find your way to freedom. i didn't mean to encrouage you to have a rational talk with an irrational person seeking validation. this is what you have to do for yourself now....he has just in the first sentence confirmed that he is not daft or dense...he is intentionally playing games wit you. that is why he cannot give you what you need....he is playing games.

again i really hope you don't tell him you are seeing a therapist. he will make you stop one way or another.

i feel for you sunny. i see that you are moving forward slowly. i hope that it progresses to the point where you find yourself and honor yourself.

he is not going to give you answers or change or give you closure or clarity or validation or anything else you need from him. trust that.

this is why a recovery is so hard to do while in a sick relationship. look up homeostasis.

i feel sad fro the sunny that doesn't believe she deserves better......his behavior is so obvious to me. so emboldened, so manipulative, so narcissistic, so selfish, self serving. maybe you could just decide in your head that he will cheat on you and then learn to cope with that fact. (not that it is a fact) but if you tell yourself it is inevitable then you can get over the horror and practice coping ahead of the situation.. you can learn that you would survive. you cannot ever trust him b/c you do not trust yourself sister.

since we already know who he is lets keep the focus on you and your plans to find yourself and be kind to yourself and eventually to honor yourself.

I think that the way you feel when he is texting other women's or approaching them to pay them a complement is totally logical. Anyone would feel the same and it's not fair that he is accusing you of being irrational or paranoid, but because we don't trust our own instincts and feelings we end up believing that we are being irrational, that's just emotional torture.
I am at the early stages of recovery so I don't have advice for you, nevertheless, I am reading all the posts and wishing you all the best xx

Thanks Finn.
I am reading my head off!

I really hate feeling like this. I know its irrational and needy and I feel uncomfortable with that!

Its like I go into this other place where I am just operating from a place of fear.
I am slowly getting better.
I need to be able to stop myself when I am like this and stop where I am and re think it. I think if I did this it would make me better eventually. I lose control and I don't want to. I want it back.
Thanks Finn.
todays another day!
Im playing with plasticine today - making pictures, its more fun than it sounds!!!

ooo what's plasticine??

plasticine is like a play dough, clay in pretty colours!
It doesn't set though.

Im seeing if I can use it for illustrations but its fun whatever!

we have something like really soft air clay that is white or all colors called modeling clay that does set up...love that stuff. its made by crayola.....

I'm new here and was reading your posts, Sunny. From the outside looking in, I see very clearly what is going on in your relationship: your husband knows what he does makes you insecure and that is exactly what he wants you to be. That gives him control over you. You said you don't know why he thinks he has the power to boost some woman's ego/esteem, which he may not, but he has the power to knock your self esteem wY down--it is very clear from your writings.

Rather than attempting to boost some strangers self esteem, he should be boosting YOURS, not knocking it down. However, you are not wrong for feeling jealously--he is CAUSING you to have that reaction by the things he does. Texting a co-worker about work is one thing, but his reactions to her texts and secrecy about them is NOT appropriate and NOT innocent or he would not have to hide it from you (what
the texts say, etc.). And don't feel bad, stupid, foolish, hate on yourself, etc., for your reactions; he is creTing an atmosphere that would make almost any woman feel insecure. He knows it. He knows it hurts you--yet he does it anyway and then turns around and


kes it look like you are the one with the problem: YOUR NOT! He is playing you typical sociopath style. I know because I AM YOU! Same BS, same tactics, same womanizing, big fat ego, etc. I'm starting to move forward--I no longer initiate any conversations with him. If he wants to see me, HE can call, HE can text, HE can initiate, or HE can keep on walking!!
And you know what, HE is changing. The problem is, so have I. You will too. Believe in yourself, trust your instincts and hold your head high. Take the attitude that you don't need him, you don't care, and their is the door. He needs to respect you, but he is getting by with treating you like garbage.
Keep standing your ground, but do it by walking away. By not texting him, not being jealou; act like you don't give a damn anymore (even when it hurts like hell).

Best of luck. You are WORTH it!!!

Maggie, thank you. Everything you said makes total sense.
He is my husband. I am 46
I have got myself in the position of having relocated so have no friends, no family, no job, car or money of my own. I work for him too.

I had a moment of madness and a whirlwind romance in 2012 when I met him and married within a year!
I can't explain! He was so good to me and my children…..!!!

anyway here I am.
Im now recently in therapy. and on the way to recovery.

sunny, i think it would be good for you to look up enmeshment. it is a core principle in codependency....