Thank you ♥

Cutting the cord is hard, it HURTS. it feels like you are cutting a part of yourself out, you go through withdrawals before it gets better. the missing him gets stronger. but, it DOES pass. i think back now... to the one i left my career for cause i cared about him and was depressed, more than caring about my perfect job that i will never have the chance to do again. I risked everything for him, believed everything he said, even went back to him after he cheated on me... i thought i LOVED him. he was who i always wanted... he was abusive, mean and manipulative and a liar. he choked me one time, i think causing a miscarriage. but i was going to marry this man. the only reason i didnt is because when he got deployed to bagdad he ended up getting court marshalled and did 5 years plus in the military prision. lucky that happened. but the point to all this is... i look back now... i remember how much i missed him, loved him. i even would speak of him in any relationship, about how i felt about him.connected to him. that he needed me. ridiculous. now i look back and cant even fathom feeling that way again for him. or even truly know why i did. i can think that way for a few others as well. half the people i went through this with i dont even find attractive anymore.
you can do this... one day at a time miss. just get through today.

We're addicted to the feeling that he creates in us. Not to him as a person. This explains how even not seeing him for months we can still feel the connection. It's the feeling that counts, not the person. We are so used to feel unloved, rejected and generally bad that we can't imagine actually feeling good. Feeling "normal" feels awkward...

I think Miss when you say that you realize that maybe you just don't want to cut the bond/attachment, that's the AHA moment. I was there for so much. I am just now--5 months after he moved out and likely 7 since we decided we were done--ready to do so. All the work I was doing moved me along in the direction of severing the ties but I had to WANT to do so and I didn't for a very long time. Why? Hope. A lingering belief that he would wake up one day and 'get it' and run to me, that his "I love you." texts meant something, that I knew something about him/us that no one else did. Truth is, even if all of this is true--that he loves me, that there is hope, that I know something about him/us; it doesn't matter because the relationship was killing me. If I succumbed to him/us, that is what I would be inviting back into my life.
Understanding that we are the ones HOLDING ON is essential to progress. Hang tight.

I think I'm being a little too hard on myself..
I'm not falling apart. I'm generally happy, much more present in my daily life than I was even a month ago. I can focus on things that matter. I can laugh wholeheartedly with my son, work efficiently, I can have meaningful converastions with my family and friends. And most importantly, i enjoy my own company. I spend most evenings alone and I'm good.
He is there though..lingering, not even an afterthought but a constant in my mind. I have to read back some journal entries every day to keep myself from getting too sad. But yeah, he's always there.

It'll pass, right?
sigh..right.

"A trauma bond is evidenced in any relationship wherein the connection defies logic and is very hard to break. The components necessary for a trauma bond to form are a power differential, intermittent good/bad treatment, and high arousal and bonding periods."

DING, DING, DING, DING!!
I think we have a winna, here!! :)

Thanks for the posting, Dracona. Very on-point.

wow ..this is so interesting .....so does he feel the same pull???? because that's what it feels like ,a need ,like a magnet!!!
He says he can't explain why he can't keep away ,he said he "needs" to have contact and sits waiting for that contact and when he has it he feels better and calm !!! so are they just as addicted ????

That's a really good question. I guess that depends... The narcissists probably aren't. But I suppose some of these addictive relationships could very well involve two persons addicted to the pain.

funny ...he use to say he needed a " fix " of me ,i use to laugh it off ( red flag doh)!!!!

Who knows ...you see this is the problem i spend way to much time thinking about him and his feelings aaarrrggghhh .....this is about me !!! what ever he felt he could not give me what i wanted .....x

Yeah, me too... Whenever we met we both felt really good, but when some days had passed since then he would get really anxious and paranoid and doubt his feelings and the whole thing. I knew that once we saw each other again, he would be able to feel safe and happy. And he did. Every time.

We both have asperger, and one symptom may be difficulties in dealing with feelings for somebody who is not present at the moment, and also in feeling emotionally present and in synch in the moment. I guess that complicates matters even further. Also, he had never been close to anyone before.The first time I asked for a hug he was TERRIFIED.

There are some indications that he actually does feel the connection, too, although he dumped me. Complicated...

Those moments when we did connect were just so magical.

I'm not sure yet whether I want to let go or not. Anyway I don't want to lose him as a friend. I understand that's not the recommended path, but I have been able to find the way to stay friends before. He's not the maiupulative type - he really isn't. I doubt that he will ever overcome his issues, though.

I haven't read the book yet, just recentrly ordered it. Hopefully it will be in the mail today.

Found another article about this, ill post it so everyone sees as well...

MALIGNANT SELF LOVE
NARCISSISM REVISITED

The World of the Narcissist (Essay)

(Fifth, Revised Impression, 2003)



THE CONCEPT OF NARCISSISTIC SUPPLY


Women possess things that the heterosexual narcissist needs.

They have the biologically compatible equipment for sex. They provide emotional comfort through their friendship and love. This kind of emotional support and companionship is not available from any other source.

But, as we said, in the narcissist's world, to need is to be inferior. To admit to the existence of a universal need, means to compromise one's uniqueness. To be in need of a woman is equated with being inferior and with being a commoner.

The narcissist – aware of this negating power reified and possessed by women – envies them for being emotionally more adept. He is also mad at them for creating in him this conflict between needs and the price he has to pay to satisfy them (feelings of inferiority, loss of uniqueness, etc.).

Moreover, to satisfy his need of women, the narcissist has to convince them to be with him. In other words, he has to promote himself and to win them over. This casts women as judges. They are granted the power to compare, evaluate, rate, adjudicate, accept, reject, or abandon. They possess the capacity to hurt the narcissist by rejecting him or by abandoning him – and he feels that they flaunt their power. This realisation cannot coexist with the narcissist's conviction that he is omnipotent.

To restore the proper balance of power, the narcissist must frustrate women. He must re-acquire his superior position of being judge, jury, and sole decision-maker. Women are anti-narcissistic agents. They are perceived by the narcissist to possess unnatural powers of mental penetration and insight, the kind that might reach the narcissist's TRUE Self. This is a real threat. These ostensible and ominous "supernatural" capacities evoke strong emotional reactions in the narcissist.

These reactions may appear to be focused on certain features of the feminine anatomy (vagina, feet, breasts) in the form of fetishes. Many narcissists are fetishists and even (more rarely) cross-dressers. But usually they more diffusely target women as an abstract category.

We already said that the narcissist feels inferior in the presence of women, that his conviction of omnipotence is effected, that he is envious of women's emotional skills, and that he feels that his uniqueness is at risk. The narcissist also becomes very angry. Enraged, to be precise. All this is accompanied by the eternal "background emotion": the fear of being exposed as an impostor, a fake.

This rage, deeply explored, leads to the very heart of that darkness, the narcissist's soul.

All of us search for positive cues from people around us. These cues reinforce in us certain behaviour patterns. There is nothing special in the fact that the narcissist does the same. However there are two major differences between the narcissistic and the normal personality.

The first distinction is quantitative. The normal person is likely to consume a moderate amount of social approval – verbal and non-verbal – in the form of affirmation, attention, or admiration. The narcissist is the mental equivalent of an alcoholic. He asks for more and yet more. He directs his whole behaviour, in fact his life, to obtain these pleasurable titbits of human attention. He embeds them in a coherent, completely biased, picture of himself. He uses them to regulate his labile sense of self-worth and self-esteem.

He projects to others a confabulated, fictitious version of himself, known as the False Self. The False Self is everything the narcissist is not: omniscient, omnipotent, charming, intelligent, rich, or well-connected.

The narcissist then proceeds to harvest reactions to this projected image from family members, friends, co-workers, neighbours, business partners and social milieu, or from colleagues. If these – the adulation, admiration, attention, fear, respect, applause, affirmation – are not forthcoming, the narcissist demands them, or extorts them. Money, compliments, a favourable critique, an appearance in the media, a sexual encounter are all transformed into the same currency in the narcissist's mind.

This currency is what I call Narcissistic Supply (NS).

It is important to distinguish between the various components of the process of narcissistic supply:

1. The trigger of supply is the person or object that provokes the source into yielding narcissistic supply by confronting the source with information about the narcissist's False Self.

2. The source of narcissistic supply is the person that provides the narcissistic supply

3. Narcissistic supply is the reaction of the source to the trigger.

Publicity (celebrity or notoriety, being famous or being infamous) is a trigger of narcissistic supply because it provokes people to pay attention to the narcissist (in other words, it moves sources to provide the narcissist with narcissistic supply). Publicity can be obtained by exposing oneself, by creating something, or by provoking attention. The narcissist resorts to all three repeatedly (as drug addicts do to secure their daily dose). A mate or a companion is one such source of narcissistic supply.

But the picture is more complicated. There are two categories of Narcissistic Supply and their Sources (NSS):

The Primary Narcissistic Supply is attention, in both its public forms (fame, notoriety, infamy, celebrity) and its private, interpersonal, forms (adoration, adulation, applause, fear, repulsion). It is important to understand that attention of any kind – positive or negative – constitutes Primary Narcissistic Supply. Infamy is as sought after as fame, being notorious is as good as being renowned.

To the narcissist his "achievements" can be imaginary, fictitious, or only apparent, as long as others believe in them. Appearances count more than substance, what matters is not the truth but its perception.

Triggers of Primary Narcissistic Supply include, apart from being famous (celebrity, notoriety, fame, infamy) – having an air of mystique (when the narcissist is considered to be mysterious), having sex and deriving from it a sense of masculinity/virility/femininity, and being close or connected to political, financial, military, or spiritual power or authority or yielding them.

Sources of Primary Narcissistic Supply are all those who provide the narcissist with narcissistic supply on a casual, random basis.

Secondary Narcissistic Supply includes: leading a normal life (a source of great pride for the narcissist), having a secure existence (economic safety, social acceptability, upward mobility), and obtaining companionship.

Thus, having a mate, possessing conspicuous wealth, being creative, running a business (transformed into a Pathological Narcissistic Space), possessing a sense of anarchic freedom, being a member of a group or collective, having a professional or other reputation, being successful, owning property and flaunting one's status symbols - all constitute secondary narcissistic supply as well.

Sources of Secondary Narcissistic Supply are all those who provide the narcissist with narcissistic supply on a regular basis: spouse, friends, colleague, business partners, teachers, neighbours, and so on.

Both these primary and secondary Narcissistic Supply and their triggers and sources are incorporated in a Narcissistic Pathological Space.

When the narcissist loses one or more of these sources he reacts with dysphoria. Dysphoria is an element within a larger emotional reactive pattern. This emotional barrage provokes self-healing through avoidance and escapism. I call this reactive pattern the Reactive Repertoire.

The Reactive Repertoire is fairly rigid and linear. It develops gradually. It comprises a change of framework, of location (geographical change), job, marriage partner, profession, vocation or avocation. The Reactive Repertoire is a change in the substantial parameters in the narcissist's life.

Such change is accompanied by the inner feeling that normalcy is restored. This is a false sensation. Change alone does not normalcy make, nor are the deep-seated problems of the narcissist thus resolved. But the very alternation makes the narcissist feel that he is breathing "fresh air" again, that his life is on a mend, and that he is in control.

The last element in the Reactive Repertoire is false or faux accomplishments. The narcissist convinces himself – by first persuading others – that he is in the process of making great progress towards one or more significant achievements.

It is easy to mistake the Reactive Repertoire for an NSS-reconstruction mechanism. It is not. Its main purpose is neither to regain NSS for the narcissist, nor to find any NSS substitutes. True, apparent achievements and apparent normalcy are sources of comfort to the always self-deluded narcissist. But comfort does not amount to Narcissistic Supply.

The aim of the Reactive Repertoire is to take some time off the highly taxing and energy wasting narcissistic game. This breather is obtained by changing places or contexts, by evading the scene of a failure, by hitting upon an alibi to justify the continual absence of NSS.

The Reactive Repertoire is the physical dimension of the narcissist's constant evasion of life and reality. Granted, the creation of a false pretence of normalcy and the faking of achievements do elicit admiration, appreciation, or celebrity. But this is a form of escapism. The narcissist represses the knowledge that it is all feigned.

Understandably, all these measures are temporary. They do not deal with the heart of the problem: with the narcissist's neediness, with his Narcissistic Personality Disorder. This is why the narcissist is doomed to repeat the same tiresome, familiar cycles of absence and escape.

The dilapidation, or disappearance of NSS creates a conflict within the narcissist which manifests itself through anxiety and, ultimately, through dysphoria-depression.

To 'Missmom', 'creo', 'Dracona', and everyone else.... I stumbled upon this website and joined because the work you are doing here is honest and direct - something I hoped to find but did not find until you laides. I love that I am seeing all ends of the experience here, they are ALL valuable.

Missmom, I am identifying with your honesty. Keep being honest, no matter how it looks because it's a starting point and one day you will truly appreciate how far you have come. One day you will also be able to show someone you help the reality of being able to identify with how they feel, that can make such a difference!

I will post my story soon, already looking forward to what you ladies will say!

:) Thank you for that Acorn.
This really is such a great place. It's easy to be honest here. I feel safe and loved. Both of which I hardly ever felt with my ex.
I'll stay tuned for your story. xo

DAMIT!!! lol that made me smile cause that is what i feel right now... damitdamit.... i can't go back but feel like i can't move forward right now either.... i understand the bond feeling 100 percent... i am functioning better the past week than i have for a long time.... bills are paid, scrubbed my carpet.... bought myself a bed frame... put it togethr (love going to bed) even alone.... i don't want him in it so that is helping me not feel so lonely... i like being in my new bed alone.. rather than have his in it messing it up... i tried to mark what happy face i am feeling but none of them fit me right now... im not happy or sad but am happier than sad... it feels like my heat is thawing out and finally starting to feel all feeling not just confusion and heartache...

... the 'arousal-jag' or excitement before the violence and the peace of surrender afterwards. Both responses, placed at appropriate intervals, reinforce the traumatic bond between victim and abuser.this makes sense to me .. the n was no physically abusiv but was alway pointing out my flaws and tryng to convnce me to think like him ... i believed him when he was around and then would come to my senses as soon as he left... feeling dizzy inside kind of like being car sick without the nauseous feeling ... that has pased thank God hang in there ..... i feel loved and respected from you all also thanks for that

i liked ' it is hard to be on the other side of the narc no matter who they are.... soooooo true... my mom, dad, and i think all of my sibling are narcs... so i have had my share fair lol


welcome acorn.

MissMom, I read this post the other day but that was before I signed up and started posting. But I wanted to come back to this post and tell you it's one of the reasons I joined. When you said:

"I remember sitting in that truck pissed off at him for not respecting my boundaries. He kept shaking his head saying he can't believe the effect I have on him. I never woulda thought hardly 2 months later that I'd be begging for his affections."

I gasped when I read it. Cause I was like "I KNOW THAT FEELING! I FREAKING KNOW THAT FEELING! IT'S NOT FAIR!" lol

...Brings me to one of the things I hate most about my relationship - he cries when he persists for me to hear him out then take him back. l always fight it. But when I ultimately give in after the honeymoon wears off, I always wind up fighting for his attention and affection, chasing him like a dog! I say "Hey! I don't treat you like that when you want me to listen to you! I don't tease you when you cry! I even cry when you cry! So WHY are you shutting me down like this?!" And he'll respond "What. No one put a gun to your head to listen to me or to take me back. When are you going to stop whining?!" WHAT?!

The breakup dance is a power struggle type of dance. And this time around I am looking to follow the advice and try to learn to short circuit the cycle. I heard this quote once "Just because someone throws you a ball doesn't mean you have to catch it." I need to learn to be busy too content with my own life so I don't even get upset just because a ball is thrown at me. Just like in real life when I am at the park and a fly ball comes my way - I don't take it personal and just move away so I don't get hit.