i have a similar feeling ...i think because we are so use to not seeing them for lengths of time we have conditioned ourselves not to let go ..because they usually come back !!!

I know that if i contacted him we would be as close as ever .....yet still that distance you can't quite put your finger on ..it's as if in all other areas we are joined at the hip ,yet emotionally they can put up such a wall .....

I want to switch it off ...deleted his memory and just get on ,some days are worse than others ,i don't think i will ever feel as close to someone or as distant ..wow what a contradiction but it's a muddle of emotions x

I could have written your post, Clarity. You said it all.
It's what makes it so much more difficult, knowing that I could just text 'hi' and he'd be back in my life like a boomerang. I feel like were this proverbial elastic right now. Stretching and stretching as far as possible until one of lets go. Or until it snaps. I won't be the one to let go. I can't do it anymore with him, not the way it's been. The emotional distance is sheer torture.
M and I also had this undefined closeness. Had. Have. Who knows.
Maybe we didn't ever. I just don't know anymore.

It's an addiction. You are used to feeling bad and not getting what you need and yet, still believing somehow that you can get there if only...
There is that feeling of knowing that something that others don't know, that there is a connection.
It is toxic. That's what I know--never to be redeemed and really fully experienced in a healthy way.

You're right Creo.
I can't figure out how it became toxic.
It wasn't in the beginning. It was really quite good and normal.
I often wonder if I did something wrong.

I could say the same about mine in the beginning. The beginning felt like the most promising, loving, clear, adult relationship I had been in in years. It quickly (once I committed) collapsed into angst and trauma. I was in knee deep then--in love, confused, wanting to get back to that place. My ex is simply not capable of being in a mutually loving relationship that is not filled with chaos and conflict and I cannot be in something like that any longer.

So what we percieved as good, honest, normal and mutual respect was an illusion?
I had come out of an abusive, chaotic, highly emotional relationship with my son's father, so her i thought when I met M, WOW, Sanity!

I think I ignored the red flags in teh beginning. I remember HIM even telling me that he couldn't believe how strongly he felt for me, how he was so committed to something long term. He knew he couldn't stay focused for much longer. He knew he wasn't able to keep it going the way I needed it.
One night he was desperate to see me very late on a work night. After fighting him off, he ended up parking outside my house and refusing to leave until I went down to see him. I did. I remember sitting in that truck pissed off at him for not respecting my boundaries. He kept shaking his head saying he can't believe the effect I have on him.
I never woulda thought hardly 2 months later that I'd be begging for his affections.

• Why Trauma Bonds Form
Trauma bonds are able to form only because human beings have a biological need to form attachments with others (Bowlby, 1988). In times of stress and danger, people have a greater need to be cared for and attach to others. Research has shown a correlation between the degree of PTSD that develops after a traumatic event and the degree of loss of attachments and interpersonal supports [Saporta and van der Kolk, 1992]. Any attachment is better than no attachment, a fact that is evidenced by the reality of relationships that are otherwise incomprehensible.
Felicity de Zulueta, in her description of "Traumatic Attachment" says: "Such an attachment can be understood as the internalized product of repeated experiences in which these children have felt both terrified and - paradoxically - desperately in need of their caregiver, whose protection is felt as essential for their survival."

A possible explanation for the trauma bond, a form of "traumatic attachment", is described by Felicity de Zulueta as follows: "In traumatic states of helplessness, both responses are hyper-activated in the infant, leading to 'an inward flight' or dissociative response. Children, and later adults who have lived in fear of their caregiver, will maintain their attachment to their desperately needed caregiver by resorting to dissociation; in other words, they will develop an idealised attachment to their parent by dissociating off their terrifying memories of being abused. The resulting working models are those of an idealised attachment relation and that of a 'dysregulated self in interaction with a mis-attuning and frightening other' [Schore, 2001; p. 240]."

Another theoretical explanation of why Trauma bonds form has to do with arousal theory and post-arousal bonding. Straton, [1990], in defining different types of catharsis, describes the Cathexis model, which involves the concept of bonding: "Usually this is conceived as the emotional attachment between one person and another; however it can be broadened to include emotional attachment to a belief, or view of the self or the world. Phobic objects are negatively cathected, while beliefs and attached objects are positively cathected. Š A central idea in this model is that such cathexes develop at changing arousal, and that arousal diminishes, an object in that vicinity may become positively cathected." [p. 550]

This concept was described by van der Kolk, [1989], as follows: "...there are two powerful sources of reinforcement: the 'arousal-jag' or excitement before the violence and the peace of surrender afterwards. Both responses, placed at appropriate intervals, reinforce the traumatic bond between victim and abuser." [p. 385]

Herman, [1997] in describing the difficulty in forming meaningful relationships after being in an abusive one, writes "no ordinary relationship offers the same degree of intensity as the pathological bond with the abuser." [p. 92] It is possible that the intensity of the pathological bond is the result of the cathexis as described above.

Carnes, 1997, refers to a "high warmth/low intention" combination, with the high warmth factors being descriptions of high arousal experiences. High warmth given at inappropriate times and without explicitly stated intentions is indicative of manipulation and the potential for forming a traumatic bond.

While many relationships do not start off as abusive, some component of a trauma bond is usually present from the onset of a relationship, which later turns abusive. It is not unusual for those in the beginning stages of a relationship to ignore signs that upon scrutiny are attempts to set up a power differential and intermittent reinforcement. Also, the most innocuous-seeming component and one that we find most attractive is the arousal aspect of a relationship. Courtship can be seen as a series of arousing events that result in bonding. If there is no initial arousal connected to a potential mate there is no continued interest; however, high arousal (warmth) with low intent is an indicator of manipulation and is often present in the beginning stages of an abusive relationship

Trauma bonding is not limited to only victims of domestic violence and sexual abuse. The perpetrators of these acts are almost certainly subjected to this phenomenon. This type of bonding is also given as an explanation for those who are torture victims, hostages, members of cults, exploited at work, abused by clergy, kidnap victims, and those abused in litigation who subsequently bond to their abusers [Carnes, 1997 and Saporta and van der Kolk, "The Biological Response to Psychic Trauma: Mechanisms and Teatment of Intrusion and Numbing [1992].

• Definition and Components of a Trauma Bond
While the literature offers explanations as to what components are necessary for a trauma bond to form, no definitive definition was given. A concise definition of trauma bond is offered here: A bond between two or more people that finds its root in trauma. Note that a trauma, which activates this type of bond, does not need to be one with intense physical pain. Neglect, degrees of betrayal, as well as physical pain are also activating events for a trauma bond [Carnes, 1997].
A trauma bond is evidenced in any relationship wherein the connection defies logic and is very hard to break. The components necessary for a trauma bond to form are a power differential, intermittent good/bad treatment, and high arousal and bonding periods.

• Definition and Components of a Trauma Bond
While the literature offers explanations as to what components are necessary for a trauma bond to form, no definitive definition was given. A concise definition of trauma bond is offered here: A bond between two or more people that finds its root in trauma. Note that a trauma, which activates this type of bond, does not need to be one with intense physical pain. Neglect, degrees of betrayal, as well as physical pain are also activating events for a trauma bond [Carnes, 1997].
A trauma bond is evidenced in any relationship wherein the connection defies logic and is very hard to break. The components necessary for a trauma bond to form are a power differential, intermittent good/bad treatment, and high arousal and bonding periods.

Breaking this bond is difficult. you feel emotionally, physically, and spiritually connected to him.
one thing that has helped me in the past, is to do a sort of ritual to signify to my being that the bond is broken. it hurts. and its ok to cry. i would burn a picture.. watch it burn and imagine those bonds and chains disolving as the picture burned, then i would bury the ashes and say goodbye. i would take a string and tie it to something that represents me, and somethign that represents him. and i would cut the tie and place the object that represented him far away or bury it as well. it seemed to help. signifying that i no longer wish to be in this bond, and that the bond is void. and it helped remind me. i felt better afterwards.

I spent a great deal of time working on cutting the psychic cords between me and the XN (I need to begin working on this with and XN family member) I did a meditation many nights during which I met my XN in a field of light and saw the cord between us....many times when we are feeling attached to them...it is because they are drawing us to them through this cord (unbeknownt to them or us)....I then envisioned a holy pair of shears and attempted to cut the cord between us...I actually couldnt do it for a very long time....but once I did freedom began to enter my life in new ways.

I just wanted to share this with you...also I ran into an interesting blog that you might enjoy -- it is helpful for me:

http://joyfulalivewoman.wordpress.com/2010/12/30/cutting-ties-with-a-narcissist/

Hugs and Blessings to you

Thank you all.
I don't know. Obviously a part of me doesn't want to cut the cord.
I guess that's the battle here.

That is natural Missmom...it takes time to cut the cord...you will do it when you decide you are ready :)

I feel like I should be ready. I'm so angry at myself. So tired and annoyed that I'm still sorta hoping he comes to his senses.
I know it's pathetic. I can'thelp it.
This is not to say that I'm not incredibly proud of myself for holding out this long. I never have with him. I've fought off every urge to contact him or respond to his msgs. And believe me, i get daily urges. But they pass. Thank God.

Please do not be angry with yourself...you are not pathetic in any way....if you have been involved with a Narcissist you are recovering from a very powerful addiction...it takes time....if you stay the course and take good care of yourself you will heal more and more each day.

I am very proud of you for taking steps towards recovery...it is not a race and each of us attains peace at our own pace.....

for me...I feel that I have gone through most of the tranisiton of the XN...however in the process the biggest reveal came to be...in the form of a Narcissitic family member...I am a victim of scapegoating and I am trying to sort it out...it is very painful to be on the opposite side of a Narcissist...no matter who they are.

Hugs and Blessing to you