Hi Miss,

I just wrote you a reply on your other comment about something similar to this. These what and why questions are what cause us to suffer when things happen. This moment that you are having is what I like to call the women who loves too much "miracle." I think there is a great consensus between all of the women here that we are afraid we will leave before the miracle happens or we left before the miracle happened.

The miracle is that he will be what we want, be what we imagined, that we will have what we want, need, expect, desire and long for. For you the miracle was that he would snap out of it and go back to being who he was. The miracle for you is that it was not your fault and he would admit that and run into your arms admitting that he was a fool. The miracle is that we will not be alone, not feel unloved, unwanted, for the rest of our lives. The miracle is that he will save me from myself.

Let me assure you, love, that you did not leave before the miracle took place. Rest assure that you did what was the best thing for you to do at that moment being who you are and knowing what you know. It was not your responsibility to wait it out, or shut the hell up and wait unit he came back you the normal for your relationship. We all have a right to ask for what we want but we must be willing to take a no. Don't regret asking for what you wanted and needed- just take that his answer was no.

The miracle for all of us is not that he will change but that we will. The miracle is that we are already whole, lovable, and complete and we do not need others to define that for us. The miracle that we are all waiting for is us. You are the miracle you seek. I promise you that-he does not have it. It is yours. The only love, acceptance, and approval that is missing from your life right now is your own.

What is you made the best decision?
What if you could be okay without a man-not just right now but for the rest of your life?
What if none of this was in any way your fault?
What if right now you were at peace?
What if right now you were absolutely so in love with yourself that you could shit rainbows?

I agree with Izzy. It's torture otherwise.
Miss, my previous man was a loving, smart and emotionally unavailable partner. He presented in the first three months as the most loving, affectionate, mature and present human being. I had zero interest in him initially other than as a friend. He is also a 60 year old hippy (looks very young for his age but that's where he is) who is on a treadmill has a now 12 year old anxiety-ridden sweet daughter, has no boundaries with his ex, has been bankrupt twice, lives moment to moment (not in a good way), struggles with sleep, stress, etc. ALL THE RED FLAGS were there but he was present, good, loving and I thought whole. He hid his true self from me. I was vulnerable and when I committed it was 100%. Literally within days of this, I felt a change. No more texts all day and calls in between. Obviously, this is also unsustainable, people need to work and live their lives and the adjustment from non-stop texting or whatever you do to less can be abrupt for one partner. So...I remember the moment that I stood in a parking lot outside of a school and said, "What's up? Why haven't you texted me back?" and he got a bit mad and said he was working and super busy and stressed out. I felt like someone just popped something inside of me, poof. I felt it all collapse, the safety, the love, the good energy, the ease. Done. He said it was nothing and told me for the next year that I make problems when there are no problems, etc., etc. No. I am an intuitive person and something changed. He changed and then I changed. He pulled away and I got needier and drew closer. We did continue for almost two years Miss and it was the most soul-sucking, painful, sad thing I have ever been through. Was he the love of my life? No. Did I love him more? No. Was he so amazing and it was such a loss? No. I suffered because I did not have the balls to depart and let it go. He was in and out, he was consistent in some ways but he was not really fully there. Everything starts to erode from there Miss, first the weirdness and subsequent insecurity (and yucky feelings associated with that--shame, confusion, embarrassment) and then you start trying way too hard, you second-guess yourself, you overthink everything, you don't have a base...in time it might be the sex that falls apart or further distancing or whatever but it is kind of the way it is.
Someone is in or out. When they are halfway in, they are neither in nor out and you have to accept the fact that you were spared early on.
Just my perspective.

lol, those rainbows.

Thank you for saying all of that Izzy.
This is what I hate about all thsi right now. Had I just left it like that,maybe I would be more at peace with my decision to speak out about his behavior. But I went back on my belief that it was wrong. I gave him back my decision. I todl him that he was right, that I realized that my relationship 'norm' to have constant contact and reassurance is not sustainable. I told him that I realized that i did jump the gun and I shoudl not have ended it. I told him that I have indeed been dramatic but that I now get his point and that things woudl be different. UGH! I'm so pathetic. And then I proceeded to ask him if we coudl try again, to which he replied that he woudl have to think about it.
THAT was our last interraction. I feel very very small. The last image he has of me is one of me practically pleading to take me back. I wish I could just change that to one of IN-YOUR-FACE dignity. If I coudl have at least that, I would be more at peace with this break up.

I can tell you exactly what would happen because I did it. We accomodate them and they do it more and more and more. Yes, mine snapped back out of it (not fully back to the way he was in the beginning, still a bit distant but back to be attentive and romantic). But then right back to distant again. Quicker this time. And quicker the next. It would just keep happening. The only "what if" that could possibly change the outcome of the situation would be:

"what if he marched his ass into therapy and got serious help?"

Creo, thank you for telling me about your story. I copy'd and saved it for reference because it sounds exactly like what I foresee happening to me had I stayed. I'm so grateful that you wrote it.

Agent, thank you for your insight.
I'm not sure if my ex needs any therapy, in any case - it's not for me to determine that. He seems perfecty content with his life. Self righteous even.

Miss,

I understand what you are saying. In my relationship which lasted two years and like Creo's he was fully available one minute and the next minute he was not. During that time I tried everything I could think of to make him more consistent and he consistently blamed me.

He would say things like "no one talks on the phone as much as you. People in normal relationships don't talk and spend all their time together. You are too needy, too demanding, too controlling. He said that I liked being sad and that I did not want to be happy. He said I was dramatic and too allowing with my son. He said he could not make me happy no matter what he did. I could not accept him as he was."

Like you I believed him and in order to keep the relationship going I made commitment after commitment to change myself while he remained the same. Here are my pathetic attempts to keep him happy-to make him show up for me- I bought him clothes, I took him to doctor appointment, I excused him when he was late or when he cancelled on me, I helped him look for work, I paid for dates, I baked cakes for his parents, I allowed him to entertain his friends in my home, I had sex when I didn't want to, I cooked, I cleaned, I cursed, I screamed. I called, I persisted, I tried, I felt like a fool. I embarrassed myself, degraded myself, humiliated myself, and still it didn't work. I hated myself for being weak, needy, and desperate.

Now, I know better. I wasn't needy, weak, or desperate...I was just plain wrong. I was wrong about him, wrong about what was needed, and very wrong about who I was. You were not pathetic you were just trying to get what you wanted and needed in a wrong way.

At the time I believed that I needed him to feel good about myself. At the time I believed that I needed a man to save me. At the time I thought I had no worth except for what I could give to others. At the time I thought that I would only be loved by being accommodating. At the time I believed that the void I felt in me would kill me. At the time I believed that my parents were right for not loving me. At the time I was trying to hide the fact that I thought something was wrong with me. At the time I hated myself. At the time I thought that he was better than me.

So how could I have made a different choice with what I believed about myself and him at that moment. I was wrong and behaving wrongly but I didn't know it then but now I do. So, forgive yourself for what you believed about yourself at the time. How could you have acted any differently at that time.

Now that we know better we do better. I forgive for what I did during those time....I forgive her because she didn't know any better and at the time she thought she was protecting and helping me. Forgive yourself honey.

Accept yourself and your responses miss. You had the juevos to speak your mind. As a result it ended sooner rather than later. It's going to hurt for a bit but you did the right thing. You put your needs first before an unhealthy tendency to just go along with their bs. You have grown.

♥ - I'm trying

Thank you Swelsha.
But I took it all back. that's what I'm saying, that is what kills. I todl him HE was right in the end. That I was the one being dramatic.
This is what I wish I could do:

'hey X, what's up? yeah, just wanted to let you know - those things I said to you last time we spoke in teh parking lot - yeah, none of that was true. I only said those things because I thought they'd knock the love you had for me back into place. FAIL. So the real deal is that you're insane if you think that I'll eat up any of taht shit you were dishing the past few weeks. It's NOT okay for you to check out every so often. ok. Peace out'

Stop berating yourself woman. On the evil scale of 1-10, you're like a minus 5.

GOD I know.
I need to grow some balls.

Or just keep being your wonderful self.

Still - he should know that I'm right and he's wrong.

ok I'll stop now

Dont you love how you can come here an admit to the degrading things you did and the women here go...if you think that's bad let me tell you what I did. You can show the things you hate about yourself and we fully accept you for it.

You cant change his mind about you. How he sees you serves him it also speaks for who he is. As long as he can blame you he never has to deal with his stuff.