Solo60 thank you so much for that it does help. I belive he was hurt by his mom despite the fact he says they are close. He sees her fairly often and they seem from the outside to have a good relationship. She was pregnant with him by a man that was'nt her husband, he grew up beliving his step dad was his biological dad. He did'nt learn the truth until he was in his twenties. He told me that after he was told the truth he got a lot of clarity about why he was treated differently from his brother and why his step dad was not very kind to him. Do you think subconciously he is angry with his mom? He says he does'nt blame her and he loves her, but I am not so sure this has not affected him in a negative way. Also he was in a long commited common law relationship, over ten years. I wonder if he was different with her than he was with me? DO you think he loved his wife? Do you think he may get involved in another long term relationship?
He seems to have an ok relationship with his step dad now.
Thank you for any answers you may have.

Also that is so sad, sad that they can not really love and let down there defenses. This also helps me to stop blaming myself for the demise of the relationship. It was'nt me, it was him that could'nt love me.

Connection, without knowing this man personally, it would be impossible to say whether or not he can love or whether things are the same with you as they are with his x. You would be a better judge of his potential to love than I could be. Are you seeing and feeling red flags. What are they telling you? Pay close attention to what your senses are telling you. There is one thing I can feel assurred saying....this man most certainly could be confused about himself...about who he is...I would expect him to be. I would guess he would have trust issues and it sounds like he has every reason to have them. It's conceivable that it would take a lifetime to overcome that obstacle. Maybe he never will. One thing you might need to consider is that someone who has issues like these might be satified with "settling"....Inside themselves they are convinced that they won't ever really have "normal" relationships because they can't trust anyone so they accept having some semblance of connectedness. How about you? Is that kind of relationship enough for you?

Hi Solo thanks again. No I am not satisfied with that kind of relationship, we have be broken up for three months now and I am no contact for all of that time. I just found out that he is running around trying to pick up anything that moves and is female. This really hurts me as it makes me wonder what he thought of me. Was I just someone to pass the time and satisfy his needs? I feel very hurt to have learned this, and also he was running around behind my back also. He seemed like such a kind, nice person, I was very,very wrong about him.

Also, he did meet his biological Father just once and he is now deceased. I know how much this must have affected him and I guess I should be more empathetic towards him, but I am too hurt right now. I also found out he was seeing my friends friend while with me. Why is he trying so hard to get someone else? Why could'nt he have been satisfied with me?

He also told me he cheated on his ex, and they lived separate lives in the same house for two years. He said he stayed for the kids. He said his ex did'nt want anything to do with him and he called her bluff and moved out. So it couldnt have been all that good a relationship. I did see many red flags but still stayed for 7 months, I guess I have to ask myself why I put up with it. Am I ever going to get over this? Will I ever stop caring who he is sleeping with?

It's a blow to our egos when they turn to someone else but maybe it would help you to know that the reason they turn away from you is that you got too close to seeing who they really are. Now they have to start all over again with someone who will discover the same things you have and the outcome will be the same...over and over and over. They won't ever have what they really need in life because their fear is greater than anything else. It's really sad but it's not fixable...not by anyone.

Such wonderful insiteful answers from awesome women who have all been there and are wiser and hopefully free from the nightmare.
I have to agree with lassie that Jesus is my rescurer from all the men who hurt me and abused me. From the time I was little and right up to the last relationship I was abused by men. My last marriage of 28 yrs was too a P and N. I still dream about him and think about all the stuff he did to me. Its getting better and my heart goes out to all of you who have been tricked by the abuser.

One thing I noticed is that I did not love this man because he was on consistant. I was more interested in having a relationship that lasted ,and hopefully I would fall in love with him. It never happened as he would be nice then mean.. Just when I thought I was begining to care and really trust him he would put the rug out from under me and I would be betrade and miserable again.

I am single now and not sure if I will ever find someone I can trust. I have dated off and on for 4 yrs now. They have basicly all been the same as far as not being honest and upfront. Mostly they just want sex. Sadly they will lie, and do anything to get it. So I have backed away from dating. Concentrating on me and my relationship with Jesus. Seeing who I really am and not worrying about who I am through a mans eyes. This is something I struggled with all my life. I always thought I was just a sex object being raped, molested, and so on over the years I figured that is all a women is. Its hard to break that sick thinking. We are wonderful, precious, sweet, gentle, kind, caring, people who have been fed lie after lie after lie.

I never knew my dad since he was murdered. So I grew up with lots of male abuse. No one there to protect me. No one there to guide me and show me my value as a human being. I gave myself over to men inorder to be loved and all they wanted was to use me in some way or another. Talk about mental issues. I have the whole nine yards.

Thank God he is showing me that I am not that person who didn't know how to love myself. I am not a toy for men to use and toss away. I am precious and worthy of real love. All of you are as well. I pray all of you realize that and concentrate on loving yourself the way God loves you. No man can come close to that.

Thank you Bonbons2. Your post has been very helpful to me. I was married for 28 years, in the relationship for 32 years. For some reason I think I am looking for a father even though I had one...maybe I need to explore my relationship with him more to understand why that is. I just feel so alone and scared, I think I've abandoned myself and that is why.

Your sharing of your life has helped to show me that I am maybe not so alone, so thank you.