Susy, I wonder what it is about the light bar that effects the brain like that. I'll bet it effects some region that controls one of the hormones.Very interesting. I wonder if it's like the light therapy for SAD. I know that works well also. I have the lamp like the one they use for SAD. I can literally feel a change in my well being just looking into the lamp for a few seconds. The brain is fascinating, isn't it?

You guys are so great. Thanks a million.

Annie you sound so much like me :( and hi everyone I just joined this group a few minutes ago :)

Hello, PureLife. Welcome.

ladytruee - I changed my ring tones right away, the text one and the phone call one. It helped so much. I was tethered to my cell like you wouldn't believe and would go a bit batty if he didn't reply within a reasonable time. Now I text friends and that has helped too, to get me out of the association that I had with the phone and him.

He does intrude on my thoughts and on days where I'm at home, I think about him more. (6 weeks NC) I am proud that when he dumped me I kept my dignity intact (non-reactive, accepting and then giving him the boot out the door) and I would never, ever accept him into my life again (gotta keep that dignity ;), hwvr he still creeps into my mind and well, I'm just sick of it really.

I dont think I will ever foget that feeling I had when I would try not to text him when I wanted out of the relationship but was addicted, that pull to text and make everything alright was so intense..I just had to do it. I had surgery and I delibertly didnt text for 2 days..I was on pain killers so it was easy..he didnt even phone or ask how I was or anything..when I finally did text his response was oh I figured if something had happened some one would have let me know. Then at other times he would be texting me asking me what I was doing and who I was with. It was all so weird. But my phone ring was defintely a trigger..the other trigger is going to visit family I have where he lives..I dont know if I can ever take that drive again. I did it so many times in 3 years..3 hours away..nothing that guy did was normal..and he never had a normal reaction to anything either...his brain marched to its own tune. But I still wait for a text..not frequently but part of me waits. When he dumped me he said ohhhh good now I dont have to text you those good morning I love yous anymore..he was relieved. I kept telling myself they were routine..because they were...I even told him I should listen to my gut because my gut was saying different then what he was doing and he would of course reassure me..I would get an extra I love u tossed out there perhaps 2-3x a week if I was questioning him..

Welcome, PureLife!

Thanks guys I really need this I am going NUTS with thoughts. My brain feels like its going to start leaking out into my ears its so full. I try to concentrate on other things, repeat mantras, say times tables, anything but this last few days has been awful. I just keep rehashing things he said/did and feeeling the pain again and trying to figure out WHY? How could one human being do that to another? And WHY I let him.........

It hurts so much that I was such a mug/scapegoat/doormat and in the end I just kept quiet to keep the peace and I shouldn't have. I never have happy thoughts or remember good times, just constant painful memories

Karen I could have wrote that! I like that line SusyP wrote about evil people can not believe that kind people exist anymore then kind people can believe that evil people exist..maybe she will read this and can post exactly what she posted. But it sure made sense for me because I still have a hard time believing that he could be that horrible.

Something else Susy said in a recent post really hit me...an N is so afraid that the person he's involved with will abandon him, that he will abandon them first . That is something I never considered before but it might be what happen to me. I know I didn't see it coming and I was sensing that N was starting to depend on me, which was probably too much of a vulnerability for him. In fact he told me that he was feeling vulnerable. I don't think I've ever heard that from a guy before.

solo60 that is so true what susy said. I left my XN twice and when i returned for the last time he, i believe had it planned to dump me first to pay me back for leaving him. He would say to me over and over i just cant understand why you ran away? Mind you wouldnt face the reasons why i ran just continued to twist it all around to me being the problem.

Routine is important in relationships. Those morning texts or phone calls are like praying. They keep you focused on a path. I think my xN was relieved to be rid of my messages; after all, I always sent the first one.

And yep, I can't believe ppl can be that horrible. I was like garbage at the end, picked apart and thrown away.

WOW! I honsestly belived I was the only one going through these things. Ladytruee I feel almost exactly as you do, this is great...not our suffering but just to know I am not crazy. I do obsess and still indulge in fantasy thinking. I am getting better every day but I know I have a long way to go. Also, thank you SusyP for talking about PTSD, I do belive I am suffering from it. It helps to know that there really was something wrong with him and I am not entirely to blame. Yes I made my mistakes in that relationship, but I did'nt deserve to be treated with such disrespect and emotional cruelty.
Thank You all once again, and I would like to give you all a really big HUG!!! Its great to know we can get better and that we are not idiots, we just did'nt learn how to really love ourselves first. I do belive all the women on this site are special and beautiful. We are all trying to do and get better, that says alot about our strength as women with great empathy.

Also my ex N never told me he loved me, he said "I am so close to falling in love with you". What exactly does that mean? Dont you either love someone or you dont? Can someone come close to falling in love? I also belive he was relived when I ended it the first time. The second time around he faked it for a week then could'nt keep it up anymore. The one good thing is, I did'nt have the desire to return his text he sent me on boxing day. I just wonder why I still keep it, and why I am still obessing? Why, why why?

Connection, I think I can explain something about the first part of your question. I heard something similar and it took me awhile to understand but consider this. Maybe it will help you. When he said "I am so close to falling in love with you" that was not a positive thing to him. I heard "I'm so close to taking down the wall I've built up". I remember feeling "how wonderful!" but when an N gets to that point he knows it means he is now vulnerable. You could hurt him. Hurt him like some other female has hurt him. Good chance that that female was his mother.An N never recovers from any maternal damage his mother has done and he acquaints every female with his mother.No matter what he says or what you do, he is still trying to win HIS MOTHER"S LOVE! I could see this pretty clearly but there was nothing I could do to "fix" it. We had discussed his childhood a couple of times and it sounded pretty sad but when I asked him if he had ever discussed any of this with his mother his answer was that ,no, he hadn't and hadn't even seen her in thirty years. He was not open to having that conversation with her.He has, perhaps unconsciously, built up defenses which will protect him from ever allowing himself to love or be loved again even if that is what he needs to survive more than any other human interaction. He gets right up to it, the fear factor kicks in, he is painfully aware of his own vulnerability, and wham! He's gone. Off to find a new supply. He will probably repeat this scenerio for the rest of his life. You and I and all of the women on this board are paying the price for their hurt. One thing this relationship has caused me to do is look more closely at the relationship I have with my own son. Our culture and the way we raise our sons may be setting up several other generations for the same behavior we are suffering ourselves.