oh sunny! i know this chatter so much!! i had it really bad too.

honestly what worked for me was radical acceptance and distress tolerance skills both of which are from DBT, sorry. there it is again. we have to radically accept that we cannot control all of life. that life will surprise us, hurt us, disappoint us and we can't stop it from happening. now matter what you do or think or how hard you think you cannot control what your husband is going to do or not do......acceptance......also mindfulness. if you are truly mindful you cannot have this chatter...... it's not possible....

i'm not saying it's easy but there is a way to decrease the chatter...

I think it's good that you're aware of the chatter: it's the first step to asking yourself where it's coming from. Whose voice is that? Is it authentically yours? Or is it someone from the past -- the voice of the messages you internalized from your youth? I've found that's the case with me, and I've been able to stop much of the chatter by addressing each question raised one by one. Much of it is insecurity, which is normal in everyone to a certain degree, hard to eradicate but if you are able to articulate what that voice is saying, then you can start answering those questions one by one, seeing if there is anything at all valid or useful about them, or else trying to trace their origins. I mean, I think that's the point of that chatter: it's a signpost to the things in your past that are screwing with your present, things you need to examine more closely... You don't silence the chatter till you ask each question, "Who are you?"

also i remembered something else, sitting down and figuring out my values really helped me to keep perspective....what i knew about myself. what was acceptable to me what wasn't. what i would tolerate and what i would put a stop to. i think being proactive like that can help you too..

thanks girls!
I need to actually work on things - like I'm doing homework! Write things down and evaluate it all….

do you suggest the best way would be to start with my list up there..and then break them down one by one?! Why do I think that? why do I say that , need that etc.?

I am looking at DBT Finn, I had to stop therapy sadly, I just couldn't find the money anymore. I didn't ask my Husband for the money, I just couldn't - he wasn't very open to me going! I have asked my GP to refer me to DBT….it is a bit of a waiting list and the amount you get is limited but its something. I am reading about Buddism at the moment too, its really interesting.

Im trying to find more workbooks and exercises to do - the trouble with Kindle books is I find it difficult to navigate back to the exercises!

Hi Sunny,

I gave the non-stop thoughts in my head a persona. I imagine her to be a crazy lady that smokes all day and walks around with granny panties on and a house dress. I have to realize that she is never going to tell me the truth she is only trying to scare me in something or scare me out of something. She has no idea how to use love as a motivation for change. You cant reason with her. You have to realize that it is egoic thinking which obsessive, compulsive thinking that is a disease of the human mind. We all have it we all do it and you are in a good place because you are aware of it. The more awareness "you" bring to it the quieter it will become. Realize its not you and its not useful good luck

!!!! - granny panties and a house dress - omg can you see me?!!!! lol!!!

thats a good tip Izzy, thanks. I will smile now when I 'hear' myself!!!
xxx

izzy that's hilarious!! i'm going to have to come up with a persona too....i'm not sure if it's the power of suggestion but she probably looks a lot like yours!! love it!

no i mean your core values as a woman and mom.

i'm going to post a complete separate list of values and priorities... for everyone to think about...

actually I have realised its better if I have some music on….kind of drowns 'her' out!

Yes you are not your thoughts!!! i love the persona!!! Its a really good way of looking at it to help!! The more we realise that these are only thoughts, and we can actually control them with practice, the better we become at silencing the mindchatter. I am the same and it makes me ill with stress and insomnia. I manage to relax into the now sometimes but it is very difficult. and yes i have been reading Eckhart Tolles book - the power of now - amongst others. I find it useful for me to read self help books. Whatever works. I think if we recognise that it takes alot of work and time to get the mind chatter under control we can give ourselves the time we need to do it. New to this group and really liking it. :)

Hi Jacqmum….Im with you on that too.
I read a lot of self-help books but I do find the mind chatter intrudes when I am reading too. I find my 'big pants lady' commenting a lot as I read. …so Im not really taking it all in. Its so annoying and I know I do it.

The issue I am having at the moment is with intimacy….
without giving TMI (!) I find it very distracting that I am always thinking things like 'oh whys he gone like that' 'oh whys he doing that?' 'is he going to hurt me?'…..its really putting me off from relaxing and enjoying the moment!
I am guilty of faking it to please him I must confess. but Ive now got myself in this vicious circle!
I have issues with being hurt during sex, from early abuse, and of trusting someone so this is very hard for me. And of course I can't tell my husband or even begin to explain as I have played the role of a sex-kitten for as long as I remember!!!
I stopped kissing my last husband as it reminded me of my abuser and this is coming up again now with this husband. gawd.

Wish I had a memory blocker or something….Im getting the flash backs and then I get jumpy and nervous.

sunny......you are not honoring yourself!!!

you are wishing for a memory blocker and suffering through flash backs and anxiety with no plans of discussing this with him?? or stopping this behavior??

you are not trapped my dear.

this has to stop. you are slowly killing your own spirit. it is not okay for you to be doing what you are doing to yourself.

what would you say to your best friend who shared this with you??? and repeatedly kept retraumatizing herself?? how have you made this okay sunny?? (i really understand b/c i used to do this too) i'm taking a stand for you and your body and urging you to do the same. it's time sunny.

you cannot suppress all that trauma and fear or it will come out regardless of your efforts. like stopping kissing your last husband. something will eventually have to give with this husband too.

sunny you have to get back in therapy!!!! find a way!!!! this is too big to go through by yourself. you deserve help. it's time now to get it. what you are doing to yourself is not okay jax. it's so unfair. it's horrific abuse. you are continuing the abuse!!

we love you and we want someone to show up in your life who is going to protect your very basic needs. and someone who will say "enough!"

no wonder you can't feel, love. you have to completely shut down to live the life you are living..................

answer this for me????: re read your last post....what would you tell that woman?? what does she need?? how can she ever feel safe while she is continuously victimizing herself??? how can she ever stop this until she feels safe??

i wish i could hug you. i wish there was something i could do to help you see how bad this is...to convince you you do not have to live like this........i wish you comfort and safety and courage!

what would I say to her…?

Be honest.

Easier said than done.
Im not confident he will be sympathetic or understand. Last time I tried to talk about it with him, he said well he didn't actually rape you did he so whats all the fuss about.
Actually he tried to, the only reason he didn't is because he couldn't get it up, then he hauled me off the bed and threw me out of the room saying ' you're no good…'

so Im scared to discuss it.
but I need to grow a pair and man up and tell him.

I have a pay rise of sorts in May ( my tax code has changed) and he has already said I will need to pay for our social activities out of it ( I buy all the food) ….I am going to 'ask' if I can spend the extra on therapy. It about equals the cost of it.

I shouldn't feel this way about my husband, but I feel the issue and problem is with me.
I can ask my GP about it but they only can refer you to short term counselling but I am going to ask anyway.
I find it so hard to explain. and my anxiety is through the roof, I am constantly shaking now.

I have done a good job of pretending for so long Its hard to stop!

It sounds like you have forgiven yourself for early abuse....I think you need to address that before it hurts your marriage...

Let me rephrase that - you did nothing wrong so there was nothing to forgive yourself about...you need to work through it and forgive to stop hurting yourself....

I was 7.
On holiday with my parents and brother.
this old man befriended me by making origami.
after two weeks he got me to come to is room as he had made me something…

I trusted him.
I was lost in the hotel and had to hide my panties so my mum didn't see the blood on them.
I cried for the rest of the trip saying I had banged my head.

I have issues with trust, abandonment and feeling clean.
as well as the rest.

I have a lot of work to do!